Deer Hunters

[Avis]

sorry for bad reply, ill make it up on the next one

"Ok, well, how about we just talk then. Talk and hunt. Im pretty sure by the time we're cleaning a deer or something else with fur we'll both have a better understanding of the other. 'Cause, ya know, it's not entirely true what you said. You're not here for me, you're here to hunt. Some part of you wanted to come out to the woods, right? You didn't agree to come just to humor me, did you? Because you might be disappointed if you did," Avis replied, a small smile finally appearing on her lips.

"I like you, Fisher. You're confident, but not condescending. You have an honest compassion, and you have a resilient energy. But if you have any expectations about me, you're going to be disappointed."

[Fisher]

Fisher nodded at Avis' words. It was true she leapt at the chance to head back out into the wild again after spending her time around so much concrete and civilization. It wasn't like she was completely wiggin' out or anything, but the noise and the crowd was taking some getting used to. Heck all that traffic taught her to respect and dread rush hour, so like most sane people she learned to avoid it. It helped when you didn't have a job and just volunteered time at local charities.

"It's true, I did want to come out here. All that noise and concrete is disturbing when it is twenty-four-seven. However, I also thought it would be a great time to get to know one another, and for you get get a chance to see me in a different setting." Fisher said with a smile.

When Avis spoke about how she felt, Fisher wasn't sure what exactly to do. She had never really received a compliment like that before. Most people just thought little of her because of her easygoing or simple nature. They assumed she was as simple minded as she came across and so she got lots of negative comments. Fisher just felt she was less shy about expressing herself and what she was feeling which is contrary to how much other people bottle up inside.

"Wow, um, thanks Avis. I don't think anyone's said anything like that to me before." Fisher looked a little confused toward Avis as she mentioned herself. The thyrsus didn't really know what she meant, because she liked Avis. That didn't mean she understood Avis, and she thought that the warlock was a little hot blooded at times and cold at others, but Fisher didn't think she was a bad person.

"I don't know what you mean, I mean I like you too. We are different, which is to be expected. I'll never truly and fully understand you, I don't have the sum of your experiences that shaped you, just like you will never fully understand me for the same reasons. You can only be you. You may be better at times and worse at others but at the creamy nougaty Avis core you'll always be you. Mmmmm nougat..." Fisher said trailing off for a brief moment. "Anyway, what I'm saying is I can only accept you as you are based on your actions. I would like to think that we can be friends, because I consider you a friend."

[Avis]

"Friendship is a choice," Avis observed with a small nod, as though agreeing with something that Fisher had said. "Really, I think all relationships are choices. Some people make it easier to choose. They like what you like. They make you laugh, or have a perspective that you enjoy. Or maybe it's something more base, like lust. Whatever it might be, those are just contexts. Things that inform the choice, but they don't define the choice. Ultimately, the choice is something you still make, every time you think of that person. So sure. I choose to be your friend, Fisher."

Avis shifted, easing her weight off of her heels and to the side so she could bring her legs around in front of her so she could brace her elbows on her knees and rest her chin on her forearms.

"I don't have a lot of friends. A choice, an action you can judge, if you want to. I'm working on it, a bit, I think. With Varyx. With you. But it's not something that comes naturally to me anymore. When I was a kid I had a lot of friends," she remembered, though the smile had disappeared and her voice had a steady, emotionless quality, as though she were trying to read a dissertation of her memory rather than trying to connect with it.

"I went to public school, and sunday school, and I played pranks on people with glitter. But I don't really understand that person anymore. I mean, that's still a part of me, but I've spent a lot of years trying to suppress it. There was...something that happened to my parents. I thought that if I hadn't been so flighty, or so soft, then maybe it wouldn't have happened. Which, I know is dumb, I was just a kid, but in some ways that feeling wasn't wrong. That person, that child, isn't someone that could survive what I needed to. So, for a long time, that's what I became obsessed with. Surviving. Becoming less weak. Except, that also meant being focused upon myself. That's not something I've entirely managed to shake, either. I'm pretty selfish usually. That's part of why it's easier for me to choose to be your friend. You're someone that I think is the opposite. Like you said, even though you wanted to get out of the city, you also came because you wanted to connect to another person. Is that because of your family, do you think?"

[Fisher]

Friendship is a choice, Fisher repeated in her mind mulling the words over carefully.

As she thought it over, she supposed in a way that was kind of true. Sometimes you were friends with someone growing up because they were the only kid in your age range that lived anywhere close to you. She had a few unpleasant friendships because of that. What made them worse was that either she was incapable or unwilling to pretend she really liked someone when that wasn't true. It doesn't generate feelings of good will when the other person knows that you only tolerate them or even actually dislike them.

"I can see that and I don't blame you for the way you feel. It is how you are. How we all are. We are all selfish creatures, we have to learn to be selfless and caring. As children our worlds revolve around us, we make noise and demand instant gratification or to have our needs met. Food, changing, affection, and later our ego develops as children and that ensures that our, I think it is what...Id? The base drives we have, are gratified. We are selfish, hoard friends, resources, toys, desserts and sweets from others. It is a natural development that helps ensure the survival of the young animal or human."

Fisher picked up the spoon and stirred the food some more before setting it aside and tossing a few more pieces of wood onto the fire and stirring it up.

"It isn't until adolescence, about twelve or thirteen that the super ego comes in and that is the higher moral understanding. When right and wrong are developed. In a way I suppose it is the final indoctrination into the lie. Like I said, morality is a lie. It is something we tell ourselves we have so that we don't have to face the reality that we are all selfish beings. Truth is unpleasant and we run from it by instinct...like an animal running from fire." Fisher frowned for a moment confused and then sighed. "I guess what I am trying to say is there nothing wrong with that feeling. There is no need to feel ashamed of it."

"We foolishly blame ourselves for a lot of things that we shouldn't." Fisher nodded in agreement to Avis' story. "There is no shame in surviving Avis. I don't think it is something you need to shake off, but you can incorporate other traits and behaviors to adjust who you are and how you feel. Change is an active choice as well."

Fisher set down her little poker stick and leaned back some. She still puffed out her trails of smoke and considered Avis' question for a long moment.

"I think we are more a like than you realize. I'm not really as great a person as I may appear. It is also about survival for me too. I haven't really told anyone, but my driving motivation is rooted in fear. I'm a coward. I always have an undercurrent of it in everything that I do...it colors all my actions. I think it does come from my family. I felt rejected and abandoned by my parents. I grew up in daycare and by babysitters because they never had time for me. Then I was sent to live with my grandparents when they decided to give up on even trying to be a family anymore. I am reaching out to others because I have a deep fear of being rejected."

Fisher sighed and breathed out more smoke. Her muscles tensed slightly as she breathed deeply, perhaps as a means to master the fear she felt growing. The fear of exposing herself completely to Avis...and far more intimately than something physical.

"I made a conscious choice to try and be friendly, happy, and open because I thought that is what people wanted from me and they might like me or love me because of it. After a while I started to believe it and it became a part of who I am. However, I don't really have any deep friendships or romantic ones either especially after awakening. There is a fear of being hurt and of causing them pain. What if our enemies find out about family, a lover, close friend, child, or husband later? How much pain do I have the right to put them through? They may be hurt just so that the enemy can hurt me. But, fear is a very powerful motivator. It heightens the senses and can be harnessed for strength. Fear of loss can drive someone to do great things or take great steps to prevent it. Fear of losing reality to the seers terrifies me and I can either hide...or I can do something about it. Just like that terrified fisher defending her kitts from the larger more powerful lynx at my awakening. It seemed hopeless, but she harnessed her fear and instincts and it made her stronger and she overcame. You can choose to use your selfishness, your anger with yourself, and your need to survive to better yourself too Avis...if you want."

[Avis]

"I know," Avis replied quietly, watching Fisher beyond the boundary of smoke and flames.

"That's why we're both Talons. We don't settle for our lesser selves. We can't if we walk the adamant way. There's just many steps to go before we reach the milestones we want. But I'm glad that there's someone else I can talk to that's on that same journey. The last Talon I was in a cabal with wasn't...someone I really connected with. She was oblivious to her own flaws and that always infuriated me. She was narcissistic. Part of me was afraid you would be, too. You have a similar...I don't know, vestigial happiness. Or maybe that's not the right word," Avis tried to explain, half lost in memories and ponderings the more she spoke.

The flames had contributed to that, their hypnotic dance lulling her thoughts into revery, but a crack of exploding sap from the firewood roused her from the half-trance she'd been slipping into.

"You're not, though. Not at all. I'm really glad you came to town."

[Fisher]

Fisher sighed out smoke and nodded in understanding. What Avis said was rather common in all walks of life not just those of the Adamant Path.

"The person that is most difficult to be honest with is yourself. People generally want to believe the best of themselves. Color everything with the best possible light or completely ignore unpleasant things about themselves. It was hard to come to this realization in myself. My mentor helped me with this and dragged me kicking and screaming," Fisher finished with a smile at her illustration.

"Not everyone can get past the lies, they are too seductive and pleasant. To be honest, I was pretty scared of you at first. My experience with you was you were distant and then at consilium you were angry and emotional. The dichotomy was jarring and I thought you might be unstable." Fisher winced apologetically to Avis. "Sorry. I guess I'm the last one who should look to someone else and think they might be unstable. I'm sure many people think that of me at this point." She finished with a weary smile.

The thyrsus looked to Avis through the flames and stared for a moment as if considering something and then when she finally reached a conclusion she finally spoke up once more.

"I've been wondering. What does music mean to you? Since you keep up with it, it must be important." Fisher asked with genuine curiosity.

[Mage ST]

Hit the month mark! Feel free to wrap up but remember this needs to be closed by the end of the month so everything is in-continuity with the new Sanctuary (Eternal Consilium) .

[Avis]

"You know, some people on my path have this view of the true mind as being totally tranquil. Zen, essentially, but more so because they're all elitist atlantean assholes. To some degree, I agree with them. But it's a small degree," Avis confessed with a half smile.

"The Self, as I see it, is not tranquil. It's not a still pool. It's the ocean. The entire ocean. Not just the stormy coast, or the doldrums, or the swift currents, or the trenches. It's all of them, and because of that, when the true self experiences those upsets, when it experiences those emotions, it's not detached. It still feels them, but it also understands it, knows it in relation to everything else, and knows what caused it, and that provides the insight.

"Obviously, I still have a long ways to go when it comes to that," she added, the smile becoming wry, "but I'm glad that you gave me the chance to prove I'm not that scary. And, really, that also applies to your question about music. For me, music is all about emotion. You listen to something, you feel something. It lets you taste a storm, or be swept along by a current, and yet you're still able to understand it, because it doesn't consume you. And when you play music? Well, then it does consume you, but the action of playing the music also refines your focus of it, and you learn even more."

[Fisher]

Fisher thought for a long moment listening to Avis' explanation of the mind. Some of it actually made sense to her. The ocean analogy was something that she remembered experiencing from the cave mouth of her tower during her awakening. The ocean at the base of the cliff that stretched on forever. Something that she also experienced in the fallen world, her people's closeness to the sea and the sea's bountiful blessings.

"That ocean analogy makes sense. I guess many warlocks seek that moment of clarity with the still and focused mind. Not something that comes naturally to me. But the way that you described the turmoil of the sea makes sense and feels closer to what I'm familiar with. Letting emotion lead you, you don't fight the power of the sea or you're lost and it consumes you. Instead you flow with the current, riding the waves and the exhilaration that comes with it." Fisher thought briefly and then nodded. "Yes, I like that. You may have helped me a little too. The inner world of the mind is not something I know much of. Thank you."

"Also what you said about music there, that is how we use music too. You loose yourself in it, letting the beat take you and flowing with it. You might be able to make some progress by using your music as a guide to induce a trance. So lost in the flow of the music that you don't even think about what you are doing, you just act, letting it take you with it. You ever been so into a piece that you don't even remember consciously playing it, only the emotions it left you with? Life is filled with music, your heart beat, breathing, the gurgling of your organs digesting food, and then the obvious sounds of nature. Maybe that can help you a little to think of it that way?"

"Also, I'm glad we met too. We both have a lot to teach each other it seems...and I think it could be a lot of fun," Fisher finished with a broad grin.

[Avis]

"It will be," Avis agreed, returning Fisher's grin. "And I think a fresh deer to share will be a wonderful start to a new friendship..."