Maybe You Can Hire...

[Star]

Brows furrowed under the cap bill.

"A little?" Thumb and forefinger raised, marginally separated. It evolved into a shrug, and he wrestled the doors closed. The second one took effort, and he backed up against it and pushed his feet against the ground until metal engaged.

"Uh. It's, well. They just don't like it. We're, uh." Wow. Awkward much? He could see the light at the end of this conversational tunnel and it wasn't a warm glow.

"Like, they want us to just, you know. Hook up. With Sleepers, and, uh, other Guardians." Welp. You have arrived at your destination. A soft rustle of clothing accompanied a shrug. "They say it's about spying, and pillow talk, but, whatever. I think it's kind of to keep tabs and controls on us."

An eyebrow raised and lips quirked into a wry grin.

"Besides. It's not like it matters. With us. Because I'm going to talk to you whether, uh..."

Okay. Now? He was blushing.

[Avis]

Gravel crunched as she paced away, her hood falling back after a hand had roughly combed backward through her hair, like a creature scurrying toward cover in the underbrush. The movements were automatic to her, unnoticed beyond the obvious change in perspective after she'd turned away from him, her mind occupied with the implications of what he'd said. A well of air inflated her lungs and then fled them again, the oxygen helping the furnace of her mind to refine meaning out of what had passed into her skull. What Star had said really only revealed the flaws in what the Guardian's believed, and how his contrasted with theirs, opposing his own order. It was...it was hard to conceptualize, at first, because the embodiment of her Order was so important to her, so central to how she tried to live, to how she viewed the world, and she assumed every mage was the same way. The idea that Star might actually be proud of not being exemplary, that hadn't really crossed her mind.

Stone grated on stone as she turned on heel, back to face him. "So you're not blaming us? You don't care that you're not a 'good' guardian? I'm having trouble understanding that. Like, why join an Order that you don't agree with? I mean, is it just that you don't agree with the majority of them? That you see another way to fulfill their purpose and to uphold their ideas, or what?"

Another breath came in and out, full and rapid. "I'm not saying I'd think less of you. No matter what you say, I won't, but I just want to understand. It's important to me because, well...you already know."

[Star]

He watched the retreat, settling onto the bumper of the van. Hard metal pressed into the back of his legs and he knew they would fall asleep soon. Shoulder blades shifted against the handle digging into his back until he'd found a bearable arrangement. Eyes lifted into the night sky, focusing on pinpricks of light.

"Blame us?"

Hands plucked at his pants before arms folded, trapping them.

"Why? We might, some day, find something we both believe in so much, and so differently, that it's going to be a problem. I don't believe my Order's dogma on who I should have sex with, or how much I should care about someone, is one of those things. At least, for me. Because here's the thing. I believe in what the Guardians do -- their purpose, blah blah. I don't believe in every single line and word of their dogma. It's like the Duel Arcane. Every Diamond mage goes along with it, but some of us don't believe Might Makes Right."

A sigh preceded a light shake of his head.

"I'm... a good Guardian. A really, really good Guardian." A sharp exhale came and went. "When you look at the big things. The goals, and ideals. Not the, whatever, the rules about how the best way to pursue those goals are. Because that's all it is. And that? It's stupid. You Arrows are the shining beacons of honor. Us Guardians? We're the scapegoats. But the thing is why. We'll get our hands dirty so other don't have to -- which is supposed to be about self sacrifice. But if you're not allowed to care about the people you do that for, then it's not self sacrifice. It's pride. It's ego. Masturbation. All of the above."

Feet scratched on gravel as he stood.

"So, yeah, maybe I was being a little flippant? Because I don't check every one of their boxes? But I believe in what they do, and I'm good at it." Slow footfalls crunched on gravel as he closed the distance between them.

"And here's how that all breaks down. I'll get my hands dirty so you don't have to, and that's not harder because I love you, but easier."

[Avis]

As his syllables faded into the junk yard around them, she stepped closer, collapsing the personal boundaries between them.

"I know that you'll do what you have to, but don't think that you can keep my hands clean. You can't. That whole shining beacon of honor thing is bullshit. There's no honor in violence, ok? It's an act of evil. It's unwise and it always will be. There's only Wisdom and Honour in restraining from violence. Thing is, violence is necessary in the lie. It's necessary in order to survive it, and that's why people like me, people in the Arrow, have to do what we do. You Guardians aren't alone in sacrificing. You're just not brainwashed about it," Avis explained, voice bitter. Her eyes dropped and she shook her head, brushing that train of thought away, and then looked up again.

"Look, I just didn't understand why you were getting down on yourself, but obviously you're not. You know your value, and you know your way toward your goals. You're not blinded by other peoples' bullshit. Which is good. That's -- that's what I wanted to hear. So -- good. Not because I wanted to hear it, but because that's good and so, yeah," she fumbled. "I'm just glad you know...you. That you know you."

[Star]

"Sometimes I do."

A half smile quirked out, and his head ducked. Sometimes, not all the time. Sometimes, it was easier to be Toby, or someone else. But doing that? Was being him.

"And... thank you. In a totally sincere not filling space with words way. Not just, because, of me being a good Guardian? Because I know... I know when you say 'value', you mean more." And maybe that was the difference. Because Smiley's People.

"And, yeah. I don't just mean violence. I know what these," his hand reached out for hers, raising it, running long fingers over her palm and fingers, "Will do. But when I say beacons, I don't just mean violence. Or killing. It's more. It's... how. And why. And I also, hmmm, don't mean that in a Just You way? Because you're not the average Arrow." Which was also part of the difference. "Other Arrows, too, because we do need people to light the way. And we both, I think, we both get super annoyed when Asp does her Holier Than Thou thing? But it's good for some people, to see that. And that's one of the big differences, between our Orders. Honor. You're our paladins. Our Swiss Guard."

Maybe the biggest.

"So when I say 'For You', it also means, like, the things you're part of or care about. It's easier. I'm not dumb. And I'm sure not trying to change you, because then you wouldn't be you. But. I will try to make sure what you do doesn't change you. Any of you. Because beacons and honor, we need them. Everyone."

Eyes slid away again, before he kept going. That? That's why some people shouldn't be Arrows. But that wasn't his business. Eventually they returned, looking down at the pale, small hands that knew violence and death more than most. No, they weren't clean. Never would be. But at some point, someone had showed them the way.

"I need people like that."

[Avis]

He was right. Symbols. The Symbolic. The Supernal lived through representations of truths. Truths like how aligning your Self with your actions (the second Phalanx) manifested the Supernal in the fallen world (the fourth phalanx) through you, as you, and that made you a symbol as real and as potent as any mudra, any Atlantean rune. That was something they all needed, whether they realized it or not. He was right about that. It was something she needed to work on, to add to the list of eternal projects.

Well, there was one thing she could do, now. One thing that united thought and action. Emulated a concept as pure as any she could think of.

"We need any more pieces of scrap, or do you want to show me your new place?" she asked, giving his hand a squeeze.

[Star]

He wasn't really sure when it happened.

When the butterflycondas had stilled and silver light had turned his thoughts away. Even the hand he was holding, that suddenly squeezed his, hadn't been We holding hands, but an instrument of violence as his mind had turned toward explaining. Those were Truths.

And the other Truth? It came rushing back in a warm flush. This time, with less apprehension.

Intimate thoughts shared, before intimate actions.

"I think... I'd like that. To show you my place."

Fade!