Kaze looks at Crystal and smiles, shrugging. "You know what? Yeah, it crushed me, totally. It was after that I got together with Phoenyx, and like a year later, I left the Arrows." He says. "But...honestly? I grew from it. It made me really start to understand the whole 'identity' thing, you know?" He asks vaguely.
Kaze refills his glass, and offers a refill, actually frowning when he realizes Crystal doesn't need one yet. He sets his glass down.
"So...you know, right? I am not trying to preach, to tell you how to live your life, and especially what to believe." Kaze says, looking at Crystal.
"This is me, just me." He sighs. "I was a son. Then a grandson. Then a football player. Then an orphan. Then a Mage. Then an Arrow." Kaze says. "Then a screw up who got three people, maybe innocent-sh people, definitely as innocent as I am anyway, dead, and made another Mage into a murderer."
"After that...when I started being able to be in the moment again, instead of, you know, stuck reliving and regretting what happened? I realized, I am me. Just me. And I didn't know what that meant. I had to quit the Arrows, not just because I didn't want that to happen again, but to figure out who I am without being an Arrow."
Kaze smiles again. "I quit trying to be an EMT too, partly to get away from temptation, using Magic to heal, but mostly because I realized, it wasn't 'me', you know? I mean, EMT's are awesome. But it's just not who I am to always be around people who are injured, physically, even if I could do something about it." He says frankly.
"I know, it sounds like my answer is to just run away from whatever I am afraid of or mess up at; that's not it though. I am just trying to find out who I am, you know?" He asks. "I broke up with Phoenyx too. And that wasn't running away from anything. That was me...basically realizing that part of who I am, is a Believer. I realized I couldn't live without it. And...harsh, I know, but I realized I could live without Phoenyx." Kaze stops smiling.
"I told her, that I didn't want to break up, but that I had to follow what I believed, that I knew it wasn't fair because what I believed...changed during the time we were together. Anyway, what we wanted after that was too different to stay together."
He looks at Crystal and says, "Okay, don't judge me for this, please. I am not telling you what to do, but I am telling you what I would probably do, if I were you. It sounds to me like...you basically partied hard and did something that you don't even totally remember, using magic, and someone is dead because of it. Trying to not be a Mage to keep it from happening again, sounds...okay, I'm just going to say it, and you can totally tell me I'm wrong and full of shit, okay? It sounds like it could have been anything, like you if you were driving home drunk and hit someone and killed them, and now out of guilt you don't drive anymore, but still drink."
Kaze shrugs. "I mean, was it the magic that influenced you, made you think something was okay or you could handle it when that wasn't true? If it was...okay, I'm just wrong." Kaze offers. "But, if it was the drinking or whatever, and you did something that you totally wouldn't do sober...than if it was me? I'd figure, 'this isn't really me' or maybe, 'I'm not really me when I am doing this or being in this, like, environment. That's what I'd quit, and that's what I'd be afraid of, not the Magic."
Kaze shrugs.
"For me, being a Mage...is part of me. Magic doesn't feel like something that isn't me. It feels...right. I feel like...I need to learn who I am, and be true to that, true to me, and Magic is part of that, but not all of that, you know? I am not afraid of the Magic, but it's not my whole life, either by going all gung ho on it, making my life all about it or by quitting it cold turkey, and just...like, trying to ignore it. all. the. time."
Kaze shrugs, "It feels like, either way makes it, like, the Big Thing, like the center of my life. I am not a Mage that does magic, and a person second, or a Mage that doesn't do magic, and a person second. I am a person...who can do magic, or not, no rule, my choice. That's all."
Kaze grins, "Man. I am talking, like, way too much." He says. "I guess, all I mean to say, is, I'm me, and you're you. You just need to be you. Anytime you want to tap out, I promise, I won't hassle you about magic or drinking or anything else."
"I just want to be a good friend, not a guru or anything. I'm not trying to like, fix you. I like you just fine right now."