At the Pharaoh

[Colonel Worm]

“Oh, I noticed,” Worm answers with a grin, appreciating Gerrit’s ability to joke about it. “But the scars I’m talking about are inside.” He says it like he knows it sounds cheesy. But he believes the sentiment nonetheless.

“Therapy? The Colonel? ‘Fraid not. Now, I’m not saying it ain’t worth it. Or that it doesn’t help. It’s just not an option for me. My line of work, my…affiliations,” namely, Summer, “they don’t quite jive with the goal of therapy.” He caps the vodka bottle and sets it down. Puffs on his vape. “We each choose our roads and, depending on which one we take, certain exits aren’t available. There’s no getting there from here, you know?” He pauses, considering. Worm has done a lot to make himself a better person. But you can’t become too good if you’re the one who needs to get wet up to your elbows in blood.

“How about you? You said you’d done it…before. You thinking on it now?” There’s no judgement in the question, just curiosity.

Gerrit turns the conversation toward the Goblin’s conspicuous consumption. The line of questioning doesn’t bother him. If anything, he seems to shrug it off. “I wouldn’t say it’s working necessarily. It does let me do my work, if you catch my drift. Part of it is that I made myself a promise when I got back—that I wouldn’t say no to myself on anything if I could help it. Unless saying yes might hurt somebody who shouldn’t be hurt. I said no a lot before. Now I accept and move on. I save my no’s for the people that deserve it.” Namely, those who would harm him or those he’s committed to protecting. “And when I tell them no, they tend to listen.”

He chuckles, “I guess you could say I’ve got a classic mindset for a red-blooded, American male. I work my shit out on the job. Or maybe that’s just what I tell myself. Either way, it is what it is.”

Gerrit steps up to the mic and Worm sings along. It’s a strong choice. A difficult choice. And the Ogre’s no song-bird. Still, the Goblin appreciates his efforts and gives him another, enthusiastic round of applause.

Bleak? Sure. Why not? “Yeah, I don’t know… Like I said, we’ve got a good example where two folks in our friend group have made it work. And that’s fucking awesome. But maybe what I’m saying is: next time, try finding yourself a nice, normal girl. Someone who isn’t working through the extreme shit that we’re dealing with. That way, you’re not contending with a super-storm of PTSD,” he muses. “That’s more likely to work. But, then again, love is love and that shit’s wild. Sometimes” he shrugs, “you don’t get to choose.”

With that, he grabs the mic and steps up for his next song: Aqua’s Barbie Girl. But, for the first time this evening, Worm fails to meet the challenge.

failure

Date	Action	Roll	Result
2021-12-07 10:27:39	Colonel Worm rolls 5 to Presence + Expression	4, 3, 2, 2, 1	failure

He doesn’t look angry, or embarrassed, instead, by the end of the song, he’s giggling like a maniac. His laughter continues as he sets the mic down in front of Gerrit and takes his seat.

Wiping tears of mirth from his eyes, “You’re up, boss.”

[Gerrit]

"I hear you. What bothers me is that scars don't heal. That means we are stuck like this, broken." To make his point Gerrit clenched his fist, causing a few drops of blood to drop out it. "And being content just means finding a way to ignore the elephant in the room. To just numb ourselves or believe that the right person to make us whole somehow will someday just pop into our lives." The Stonebone's voice stayed even throughout this, however passionate the words might seem. He had been through this line of thinking many times, each cycle becoming less bitter and more matter-of-fact. "That's what's making me so.. you know." Jaded? Sad?
But if CW said he couldn't have therapy, did that mean there was no healthy way to channel anger? Did that extend to all the other Seasons too?

"Heck, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make this evening so cerebral. I don't know, but I think I'll try and look for someone again." Maybe - that would actually mean taking charge of his life again, which in turn meant making himself vulnerable again. And he started to feel like vulnerability is not something he was meant to have anymore.

When the Goblin explained his philosophy on substance abuse Gerrit just listened. And yes, he somehow played with the thought of maybe changing his views on the matter - Colonel Worm seemed functional, trustworthy even. But then again, so did other people until they jumped off the ledge and went batcrap insane. "I see. Uhm, just make sure to- do you have somebody to call if you.. I don't know, overdo it or something? If not, can you try and promise to call me?" If the overdosed Colonel was still able to. Gerrit still felt the need to extend the offer. For all his antics he grew somewhat fond of the Summer.

The topic about relationships with Mortals was nodded off. There was nothing for Gerrit to add.
But see, that was apparently the beauty of karaoke: the respective songs acted as a buffer, a way to collect oneself.

Or an opportunity to go out and get some water. It might have been rude, but the song wasn't anywhere near the ballpark of what Gerrit listened to and it apparently wasn't Worm's forte. So Gerrit slipped out to get some water and returned just in time to catch the last couple of bars. He applauded anyway and gave CW an apologetic look. "Sorry, I had to get something to drink. We've been doing a lot of talking."

He took his turn next, defaulting to a song from one of the movies his wife used to watch with him. Generally, this evening made the Ogre realize how little music he had in his life.

failure

Date	Action	Roll	Result
2021-12-08 09:22:12	Gerrit rolls 1 to sing karaoke (Pre 1 - Untrained 1) (10 Again, Chance)	4	failure

At least he was consistently bad. Probably didn't help that he had none of Gene Kelly's carefree attitude right now. But in for a penny, in for a pound.
When he returned he took a long sip of his water. It was almost ridiculous to see his drink next to the Colonel's provisions, but the fleeting interest of flirting with the Abyss had passed. "I'm starting to feel like you're already acting like my therapist with all the whining I've been doing. Let's talk about you for a change."

[Colonel Worm]

"Ain't it always the way? You break a bone, it doesn't heal right. You learn to live with it." Or not. "I don't know about you, but before I wasn't much better off." They fuck you up, your mom and dad. Maybe that's the difference here. Maybe Gerrit had it good before his trip to the other side.

"Two things though: One," he holds up a finger, "no such thing as being content. If you're feeling content, you're either fooling yourself. Or dead. Being alive is wanting something more. Or something else. That's the way I see it at least. And 2)," another finger, "Waiting on someone to make you whole or whatever? Well, that's always going to leave you disappointed." He opens another beer. Takes a swig. "Sorry, don't mean to be harsh. What I think I'm trying to say is: sounds like you need to change perspective a bit." He shrugs, "It's not about the destination. It's about the journey. Or whatever the fuck. There is no destination. Not really." Except a grave. But the Goblin doesn't say that part out loud.

A pause, "Not to say wanting someone to love is a bad thing. Just that they're not the answer. Being the solution to your problems is too big an ask for anybody, you know?"

The Ogre's concern is noted, and appreciated, but the Colonel can't help but laugh. "I mean, sure. There are people. I'd like to think you're one of them. But let's be serious: we all know my line of business," Summer Inc., "I could turn up cold tomorrow. And not from my extracurriculars. After a while, you learn to accept that. As much as you can." It's not like Worm wants to die. At least he doesn't think so? But he'd be an idiot not to try his hardest to get right with the possibility. In the last few months, he's taken an Arm Monster down basically alone. Done a swan dive on top of a giant, man-eating frog before driving a sword into its head. And spent too much time in a burning building. The possibility of getting dead is a very real thing for him.

Gerrit needs a drink? "Do your thing, big man. I'll be here." Another bump while he's gone. And when he's back it's Singing in the Rain. Not the Goblin's style, but he bops along. Can't help but bop when you're this far gone on a classic skiing trip.

The Winter returns to his seat and tries to turn the conversation toward Worm. The Colonel sits back with a grin. "Sure, what d'you wanna know? I'm an open book." As if to underscore his point, he flips through the catalogue of songs, looking for his next big hit.

[Gerrit]

The Colonel made a good point. Yes, what each and every one of the Lost has been through was terrible, but it's not like people can't be terrible all on their own. The Ogre just grunted an affirmative. "I would ask you what the meaning of life, of getting out was if there is no such thing as being content. I don't know," bloodshot eyes looked straight into the Goblin's whites, "that sounds kind of miserable. Always chasing something. What you call the journey." To be fair: now he sounded kind of miserable. "I mean, sorry. Maybe I really do need to change my perspective."

But the other thing CW said? About someone else not being the solution? Something about that felt worth thinking about. Yes, maybe he had been the happiest whenever he had someone else in his life - but that didn't necessarily mean that he couldn't do that on his own. As if.

If the Colonel wasn't so mad he could almost be a Winter. Well, if he wasn't so mad, loud and flamboyant. But it seemed almost sad, the things the Goblin said. Gerrit reached out with his arm and patted the Summer's shoulder.


After getting a drink and doing what one does at the karaoke bar he did his best to ignore the tells of someone twerking on something. He should know better, but the naive part of him was sure that this guy wouldn't suddenly flip out just because he smoked or snorted something. "Uhm, what were you like. Before. I mean, what was your life like?" Was it a difficult topic to start? Sure, but they were already knee-deep in difficult topics.

[Colonel Worm]

Worm's turn. He takes up the mic and launches into a rousing rendition of Duran Duran's Ordinary World. Somehow, the song seems appropriate.

2 successes

Date	Action	Roll	Result
2021-12-14 16:14:06	Colonel Worm rolls 5 to Pres + Express	10, 2, 8, 3, 6	2 successes

What has happened to it all?
Crazy, some'd say
Where is the life that I recognize?

Feels good to run through a nice ballad. The Goblin turns to watch the cheesy background imagery as he sings. At one point, he breaks into laughter when a koi pond shows up on screen. Weird.

The song ends and Worm sits, gets back to their little chat.

"The meaning of life? Aw gee, bud. Come on. Even if what happened to us didn't happen, we'd be fucked on that front, right? Every Tom, Dick, and Harry's asking that question. And not one of them's getting the answer they want." A chuckle and a shake of the head. "I mean, were you content before?" If he was, Worm wants to know the Ogre's secret.

His life? In days of yore? This calls for a rip off the vape and a swig of vodka.

"I fought the good fight for Uncle Sam. Mostly off-book. Mostly in the jungle." A pause. "You know that outfit Blackwater? Guns for hire types? Like that, but in a South America kind of way, not a Middle East kind of way. Back then, it was all about militias fighting communism in Columbia or Nicaragua or Panama. Real nasty fucks, those guys. But it was in the U.S. of A.'s best interest to keep them propped up." A pause as he takes another pull off the vape. "I did a lot of propping."

It's clear from his tone that Worm isn't exactly proud of this information. Things've changed. A lot.

"But if you want to know about me personally? I was not a nice guy." Understatement of the year. "Kind of guy that would spit on you for no reason at all. And then beat your ass to shit if you said boo."

He seems to think on it hard.

"I'd say I was pretty miserable. And I made just about everyone else miserable. I didn't know how to do it any other way."

Now that's the truth. There wasn't a time, prior to his durance, where Worm, Ozzy, had felt...happy. Isn't that fucked? Being happier now, after everything, than he'd been before.

[Gerrit]

Colonel Worm seemed to have a great sense of irony. 'There's an ordinary world somewhere I have to find'? Didn't he still see the wonders of Faerie, the faces and voices of everyday items? Sure, it took Gerrit some time to really see them, but they were definitely there. The world was anything but ordinary to them and ignoring that fact was true madness. The Ogre frowned as CW asked his question, sipped at his bland water and resisted the urge to pick at his scabs. "I think I was. I had a wife, I had kids. My life before them.. it was not good." Even without visible capitalization it was evident whom the Ogre meant. "Maybe it boils down to perspective again - from the perspective of the child my adult life was fine, something to be content about." But had he been fooling himself? "From the perspective of me now it still feels pretty nice." His voice broke a bit on the last word, just a raspy tear coming from his wounded vocal cords.

He listened patiently as the Summer told his story. "I'm sorry you went through this." Frankly he could see the Goblin being the kind of person he described, even though he could appreciate the work he had put into bettering himself. "So you have never thought about.. I don't know, changing careers?" It took a runaway Air Elemental to show Gerrit that he didn't want to stay the victim that he wasn't just good for beatings but the way the Wizened described his past made it seem like he never really liked the life he had lived before. So why return to it now?

The Karaoke machine was momentarily forgotten. Since his return there had always been a curiosity about how the Lost gravitated towards their Courts and hearing how CW's life had just improved somehow he was even more interested. "How did you manage to improve things? Because I sometimes feel like a crazy person: I came here to start a new life and then I set myself up to the same kind of hurting. I.. I think I am somewhere in the progress of changing 'perspectives', but I don't know if I'm not making things worse." Now, Gerrit had attended enough therapy sessions to know that no outside opinion could tell him whether what he was doing was right or wrong and he knew that giving the appearance of having a backbone was for his own good.. but somehow there was always this spectre of his asshole father looming over him. Like there was a slippery slope there.
"Anyway, sorry again." And then he felt stupid for apologizing for something Worm clearly didn't mind. How easy those kind of situations must be for people who just numb themselves with drugs and alcohol.

[Colonel Worm]

Wife and kids, huh? Worm can't imagine. Really. And what would it be like to lose all that? He's relieved he doesn't know.

Everything in Worm screams out to ask about where Gerrit's family is now. But, he manages to be tactful. For once. At great cost. The Ogre can likely see he's held back on a question. The Goblin quickly moves on, "Yeah...yeah I hear that. You don't know the good times 'til they're gone." Unless you make every time the good time. Thus, the Worm lifestyle.

"I mean, I went through it in the sense that it was my life. It was just...me. Looking back, I can see it was no way to live. But while it was happening? I don't know. It felt right?" A shrug. How to explain it? How do you make someone understand that being a piece of shit is just normal for some folks?

"Change careers? Me? No way." He holds his hands out for Gerrit to see. His flesh is blood red. "These are meant for one thing. One. Thing. The difference between now and then is that I've figured out how to use them for a good reason." A crooked grin. "Not saying I always manage it. But I know what I'm doing now, where I want to be, even if I fuck it up."

He puffs on the vape and listens. Feels for the Winter. "Time, man. It takes time. Got to the point with me that I had to change. If I didn't, I was going to need to punch my ticket. And then it just took time and patience. Little by little, I became the man you see today." A coked-up goblin in a cowboy get-up. But at least he's not killing for money. Or disappearing some guy who forgot to pay a debt. Or torching someone's house.

"I think what you got to do is give yourself a break. Course you did the same thing all over again. That's how it works, right? Thing is, now you know. So, enough time, enough patience, you start to make a change." In theory at least. Worm sure as hell hopes it works in practice too.

"Let me ask you this, though: you don't know if you're making things worse. What's worse look like? What's the worse thing you can imagine happening?"

[Gerrit]

The Colonel hit the nail on the head: one couldn't enjoy the good times until they were gone. Why this epiphany didn't drive people to Winter wasn't exactly beyond Gerrit - different folks dealt with things differently after all - but it gave him a renewed sense of understanding for the Ice Laws. Prepare your goodbyes, don't get too attached. He raised his water for an impromptu toast. "Here's to hoping that we don't look back in ten years and realize that what we're doing now is no way to live." If they were still around in ten years.

When the Summer insisted that he was good for one thing only Gerrit almost brought up his favorite topic: to what extend the Lost were determined to fulfill one function, one use. Was CW good at fighting? Most definitely, but did it mean that he couldn't change what he did with his life? Was there some sort of sunk-cost fallacy at play or had the Colonel the right idea and sooner or later Gerrit would follow the path his Keeper had in mind for him?
This was hardly the time and space to discuss the intricacies of the Wyrd, though. Much less since he couldn't repeat what Rhodes had told him on the subject anyway. So he chose careful positive reinforcement instead. "I mean, if you are fine with how things are going right now that's great." Although the words might seem condescending, nothing in Gerrit's voice sounded the part. "I almost said 'if you're content', but I know what you think about that." He managed a small smile and shrugged, idly wondering if the substances the Wizened indulged in made him forget any or all of what they were talking about.

Gerrit looked long at Colonel Worm as he laid out his masterplan to improvement. He went through possible answers in his head, but none of them rang true enough. Finally he started speaking, slowly at first but gaining momentum as he went. "I.. I guess losing the people I care about. Then the people I don't care about. I know that," he paused, thought, cleared his throat with a wet smacking sound, "I know that it is somewhat expected for people in our circles to move on. Or just drop off the face of the earth." And that was putting the constant fear and threat of being taken again very lightly. "But I also fear that I could drive people off. You said that you were a bad person before you changed. Who is to say that it isn't the other way around with me? Who says that I won't become like that?" And while those fears might seem downright irrational to others, Gerrit had twice the predispositions for that hanging over his head: the example his father had set and the Ogre blood running through his veins. And the fear that he wasn't strong enough to resist either, let alone both, in the long run. Vivian was proof to that, no matter what CW said.

[Colonel Worm]

Worm sits back, kicks his feet up on the table (strewn with bottles, vapes, microphones, the karaoke book), and laughs. "There's a good chance we'll do just that. But is that a bad thing? i don't know. It means we'll have changed. Finding the right way and sticking to it? That seems super fucking boring."

Maybe Worm and Gerrit have a different level of faith when it comes to just how much a given situation can change? The Colonel is fine with the way things are just now, as much as anyone could be. But, to him, that's just a question of adaptation. It is what it is. In the end, the Goblin doesn't really think he can do that much to change things (at least not the things they're discussing). Maybe it's the soldier in him: you accept what you've been given and you try to make the best of it.

"Listen," he says, leaning forward again, "one thing you got going for you that I didn'tbefore is community. You've got folks who care about you, who don't want to see you get hurt. Believe it or not, I never felt like anybody cared for ol' Worm until I met up with our crowd in Mexico City. And it took me a long time to accept that I wasn't alone." He puffs off the vape, looking thoughtful.

"You got a leg up, my man! You know people care about you. Of course you're afraid of losing them. That's the shit that matters." A pause as the Wizened seems to consider something. "How about this: I promise you that, if you're running off the rails, if what you're afraid of starts happening, I'll tell you straight. No bullshit. And then you and I can make it right. Worm's honor." He holds up three long, red fingers in the "scout's honor" symbol.

Will Gerrit believe him? Will it make the Ogre feel a little comfort? Unclear. But the Colonel means it. He's given his word. And Worm stands by his word.

[Gerrit]

They might have differing opinions on what constituted 'boring', but Gerrit allowed himself a short chuckle anyway. He didn't know about the other way around, but maybe he could learn a thing or two from the Summer. Still: "But consider this: if you do find the right way, there is something you can follow and depend upon. You can become dependable. Uh, not saying that you aren't, but.. you know."

The Stonebones followed CW's movements - leaning back, leaning forward again - without moving much himself. Of course his hands were busily at it, but Gerrit was more centered in general. Then again, Gerrit wasn't coked up either. "And what are your thoughts about Sacramento? Do you think you've found people that care about you here?" While it was probably true, he didn't want to add that he somehow cared about the Goblin. Part of it was the fear that admitting this would be a surefire way to set things in motion for Colonel Worm to leave soon. Like Vivian. Like Ram. Another part was his probably outdated view on masculinity and being vulnerable like that so soon. So Gerrit just took another sip of water and after putting down the glass (maybe a bit more forcefully than intended) he balled his hands into fists.

And then the Wizened proposed him something - a failsafe of sorts in case he became too calloused, too selfish. The only question was: could Gerrit rely on this? Sure, if anyone knew bad behaviour when he saw it it'd be the Colonel. But what if this kind of promise just made Gerrit careless, what if CW was slacking on the job and therefore doomed the Onyx to his self-fulfilling prophecy? Then and idea struck him. Gerrit fully turned to the Summer.
"Tell you what: for this winter you sort of look after me. No permanent surveillance, just ask how things are going now and then, keep tabs on me whenever we find ourselves together in a social situation or something. You tell me if I'm.. 'running off the rails'. If I do you can smack me, heck I'd even say you'll be able to smack people extra well this winter. If you let me down.." He scoffed. "I heard fortune doesn't particular favours those who let people down like that." Gerrit extended his hand towards Colonel Worm and while doing so he felt for the Wyrd - they both could tell that the Ogre wanted those words to have weight, but he wasn't too experienced in striking Pledges so he might have messed this up.

Saber Sloth Gerrit is suggesting a Pledge:
Task: Endeavor, Medial (-2) (CW is keeping tabs in Gerrit and intervenes if Gerrit is showing troublesome behaviour (if we needed to define it: if he is about to commit/committed sins against the Mortal Morality of 7 and below; checked in shared social scenes and maybe one short scene during the Season).
Boon: Adroitness (+1) (CW gains one dot in Brawl)
Sanction: Curse (-1)
Duration: Season (+2)

Does that look okay? If so, Endymion Colonel Worm are you game?