To unpack and improve

[Gerrit]

Gerrit knew all too well what she meant by simply omitting things. God knew it had been his strategy for a few months now. "Oh, okay. Good to hear." The last thing on his mind was Cassandra's new pet, but it was just another thing she could be happy about and Gerrit couldn't really blame her. Maybe she thought this joy was contagious. Gerrit managed a slight smile, just to give his friend the impression that the attempt was appreciated.

"I see. Well, I'm afraid I'm less of a girl than you'd like." There was a hint of apology and regret in his voice. He knew he had a lot to offer as a friend, but there was this omnipresent doubt that it just wasn't enough to keep his friends around in the long run. "So.. I don't know. Have you been able to connect with any of the-" other Fairests "Uh, other women of the Freehold?" He thought he remembered Cassandra once talking about her.. problems with Seraphina. Then, after a moment of thought he added. "And if you need someone for some good old-fashioned parental scolding.. you know." He meant for this remark to lighten the mood, but couldn't help that it came out.. well, not accusatory per se, but adjacent. Yet Cassandra didn't get any malice or ill meaning from him.
Ugh, he was really out of practice when it came to heartfelt talks. Should he stress again that she could feel free to share those things with him? Would stressing that fact make her believe that he was just saying that? He decided to err on the side of caution on this one and stayed silent.

The Ogre actually stopped working and just listened when Cassandra picked up the topic of the Ice Laws. His face set into a calloused expression of concentrated neutrality. This one was going to hurt, if he chose to dig deeper. "True. On the flipside of this it's also more prudent to not give into delusion just to chase some concept of happiness. This would fall into Spring's purview, after all." He felt a flash of irritation surge through him when she implied that his misery was self-prescribed. The jury is still out on the question whether it was your actions that drive her away.

Right.

Gerrit swallowed down that anger, reminded himself that she probably didn't mean it like that. "I hear what you're saying but at the same time every attachment makes it harder to actually follow through with the actions we might have to take down the road. I'm not saying that we should isolate ourselves but I just wanted to say that I've come around to understand those Laws." He felt a bit defensive, as if he had to justify his feelings or thoughts. But that was nonsense. For all the things she knew, Cassandra was not omniscient. Her opinions were not automatically 'more correct' than his own.

For all the diversions and omitting Gerrit did, he curiously put no effort into hiding or lying about his emotions whatsoever. Thus, Cassandra got what she believed was a pretty spot-on read on him: there was a lot of emotion buried somewhere in the Stonebones, he seemed tense and somewhat exhausted. There was sorrow.. but that sorrow had been tempered by time and was more of an constant undertone rather than a pressing state of emergency.

He approached her last question carefully in his mind. Omitting things was one thing, but how much should he share? Could he deal with her well-intentioned pity, the inevitable reassuring that it wasn't his fault? Cassandra might get the impression that he won't answer the question at all, but after a solid minute of pondering he balled his hands into fists and just barely looked at the Fairest. "Yes. In a way." He sighed. "Call me unnecessarily bitter, but it just went to show that giving into some daydreams only leads to pain. Don't blame me for wanting to become more careful." Again, a hint of defensiveness. Then another sigh. "Sorry."

[Cassandra Reeding]

Cassandra shakes her head, "No, I don't want you to be any different than you are."


"Oddly enough, I've connected better with Sera. I told you once it was Fairest bullshit that makes things difficult, but Sera is difficult to not like. She genuinely cares and I think for a while, that scared me." She pauses, "The others, not so much. Titania is mostly absent and while I think Sonnie is dandy and I think I could nerd out with her a bit, I don't know that I'm going to get depth there, you know? It's a gentle balance that's hard to find, especially when you are a Winter." She can't help but laugh a little then, "I'll keep that in mind. I've always appreciated your advice. Honestly, I wouldn't be where I am right now if it weren't for your push for me to admit my own feelings to myself."


As Gerrit goes on about his opinions, what he's found to be his truth on the Ice Law, it can't help but hit Cassandra wrong. She knows he doesn't mean it to be an attack, but... "Love itself doesn't fall just into Spring." Another pause, "Do you think John and I shouldn't be together because of-" she has to stop herself because something begins welling up in her. Not quite doubt, but fear. The fear that that happiness could be taken away because of some stupid rules someone wrote down for Winter to abide by. "I'm sorry, that's not fair to ask you to answer."


She takes a deep breath, trying to relax her body and her thoughts. No, she can't let herself fall down a dark hole. She's already had to do so much to justify her relationship. At the same time, she wont have someone judging the fact that she's chosen to go through this journey with him.


"I don't... I think..." her head is a mess suddenly and little bits of tears stream down her face, "Oh god, I'm sorry, I just-"


"Gerrit, I'm so sorry that Vivian abandoned you. What she did, without saying hardly a goodbye, was wrong. Daydreams might lead to pain, but sometimes that pain is worth it. You can still be careful while following a path to your dreams." It's nearly the same thing she told John. Nearly the same conversation before it all began. What is it with these Winter men and becoming... she isn't even sure what to call it.


"I don't want you to become a shell... I know what that feels like, being a bitter shell of a person. I didn't let anyone close to me, I didn't want to risk getting hurt nor getting others hurt, for that matter. Every day was difficult to go through, not leaning on friends because I needed to follow the Ice Law to the letter. I thought it was what I was supposed to do. It's a guide, it isn't true law." She feels selfish beginning to cry again, but she can't help it.


Another deep breath, "I don't blame you in the slightest, I just don't want you to become what I was before. Before when I was dead emotionally. It is lonely and cold and some days I thought I was better off dead. There is a point where Sorrow will eat you alive if you go down that road." She doesn't sob, her voice staying more even now, even as the tears keep coming. "And I'm not saying you need to change, I'm just trying to warn you with what I experienced."


She shakes her head a little and looks down, leaning against a counter for support as tears continue slipping from her eyes and down her cheeks. "I'm sorry. Ignore this. I've been emotional lately." She can't remember the last time she felt like this - fearful of depression and anxiety. She takes another deep breath and wipes away her tears, her mascara has run a little bit and she wishes she'd worn water proof.


She sighs then, "You know, without you two, I wouldn't be where I am today. Without you, I wouldn't have had the courage to show John how I felt about him. Without you, genuinely, I don't know that I'd feel supported in this Freehold. What can I do to help? Is there anything I can do?" She pauses briefly, "And if that's too much to ask, you don't have to answer." She feels like she might have gone too far and she doesn't want him to feel like he's backed into a corner, but it's hard to find that balance. She doesn't know if she's hit an edge.

[Gerrit]

Why was he being like this? Why was the first impulse upon hearing Cassandra and Seraphina getting along a jealous bolt of anxiety? As if Cassandra would drop him for the Queen of Desire. Well, they've got their Fairest bullshit, I've got my Gerrit bullshit. Although that sentiment brought little comfort. He tried to drop that thought and instead focused on the compliment she made him, the reassurance she gave him. He would have to try and reel himself in a lot tonight, but he didn't want to drag her down too much. "I appreciate that. Uh, you." Still, with how she got along with the other female Lost - at least, the ones who stuck around for a while - it was ultimately nice that she got Seraphina.

Again, he didn't really react to her outburst of emotions, but he felt like he had to answer her question. "That is not what I meant. Obviously it turned out well between you two. I was saying that trying to follow some unrealistic hope or infatuation is something that could lead to someone getting hurt or killed. Or worse." He didn't realize that he was arguing in circles - had Cassandra not dared to act upon her feelings she wouldn't have had the chance to get that lucky. That apparently was a line of reasoning the Ogre wasn't ready for.


As Cassandra went on he was shocked to realize that some bloody tears were running out of his eyes as well. He thought he didn't feel the sorrow, he thought he'd shut it out. Apparently he only numbed himself. He scrunched his face in an effort in focus, but didn't wipe away the few drops that escaped his cold interior. "I'm not-" a shell. He swallowed down what he wanted to say, because chances were he would try to get petty, to repay her that accusation in kind. Just because he wasn't all extroverted and smiling all the time didn't mean he was isolating himself. She means well. That was what he kept reminding himself of, then he sorted his thoughts and started again. "I also appreciate you saying this, but I realized that bending over backwards to please other people was doing me more harm than good. I don't plan on becoming bitter and alone." He knew though that he was kind of glossing over the way he was feeling right now. But he really didn't want to go back to being this pushover - and if people only liked him while he was just an awkward doofus they might have to learn to cope.

He did try to put some warmth into his voice for her though. "I'm not going to ignore what you're saying. I know you want what's best for me and that makes you a good friend." It felt somewhat wrong, almost like lying. This sounded like he had figured it all out already, like he wasn't in pain or denial anymore. Was this how it had started for his father too? That pain that just led to overindulgence, deceit, and violence?

Gerrit shook his head, partly to clear that thought, partly to answer Cassandra's question. "I'm afraid there's nothing you can do. I probably need some more time." Which maybe was true, but he couldn't really belief this either. Still, he doubled down. "I already feel better than a few weeks ago." And then, just to feel like the good old Gerrit, he verbalized one of the self deprecating thoughts he so often carried with him. "I'm sorry if my mood has brought yours down."

[Cassandra Reeding]

"Gerrit, if you hadn't told me to go for it, I wouldn't have John. I wouldn't be as happy as I am. I wouldn't have realized that it's okay to love again and-" She sighs and shakes her head briefly. This is something that is frustrating to explain. It's exhausting to her. "Yes, sometimes things end poorly and people get hurt, but you don't ever get to know unless you take a chance and go for it." She hoped a bit of logic would seep into him even if he doesn't get it now.


He does make a good point about pleasing other people though. You got to take care of you too. She rests her hands down at her sides. He says he's not going to ignore what she's saying, which is a good step at least.


"Time is important, I won't deny that." Not that you needed much time. Oh fuck off. I needed lots of time. Is crying in my bed for six months not good enough? "Your mood hasn't brought me down," she says, wiping the last of her tears away. Breathe, girl. Breathe. "Sometimes I bring myself down with my anxieties." She sighs a little and moves to take her cup to sip on her tea once more. It's cold now, but she's never been bothered by cold tea.


She looks at their creations for the coronation and smiles a little, "Honestly, I'm kind of glad we got some of this out. I feel like there's been something looming between us and I've hated it." She looks back at Gerrit, perhaps a little glassy in the eyes again, "I'm sorry things got out of hand last time. And this time. But then, what's friendship without its ups and downs."

[Gerrit]

Gerrit made a sound that could almost be called a grunt and nodded. He heard her, but on the topic of risking that kind of pain they'd have to agree to disagree. And luckily the moment of weakness was short-lived: the tears stopped flowing and the gathering storm in his chest subsided for now. It wasn't like she was saying anything new, but it might take a while for him to reconsider the advice and see it from a different perspective.

For now, it was good that they've talked about this (even if it was just to a certain extend). Maybe there were a lot of things that came together that made things a bit awkward: her expecting him to become the kind of friend she used to have in Blodwen, him wanting what she and John had, their respective baggage. Maybe this friendship needed to have its foundation reevaluated so that they could build onto that over time. He certainly liked her and trusted her like few others - he would just have to accept the way things were now. He looked at Cassandra, his face more neutral again. "Don't be sorry. I am glad that we've talked this out too." He hesitated for a moment, then looked away. "Uhm I don't want to drive you away or lose you. So let's agree to really talk with each other if there is anything bothering us, okay?"

His idle hands found each other and scratched at old wounds. "So what else do we need to fix for our Ball?"

[Cassandra Reeding]

"You're not going to lose me. We're family, remember? And yeah, this is good. We should talk about things when they are bothering us. Though, remembering that the other might need time to process before they're ready to talk." That's something she always needs to keep in mind. She forgets that people can't immediately talk about things sometimes. Even though she's also someone who needs to process.


She looks at what they've done, hands on her hips as she looks around, "Everything else can be bought, I think. The symphony hall will look really good with everything we've done. I'm excited."


Cassandra minds the time and then she's a little surprised, "Oh, actually, it's getting close to rehearsal time. Perhaps we get together for tea again soon. Or do a movie night with John again soon. That would be fun." She enjoyed their family get togethers. They hadn't had one in a while. Though, they'll probably meet after the coronation. "I can take these back to my place. I've got a space ready for them."


She pauses, "We're good, right? I just want to make sure. I don't want anything unsaid between us when we can. Our friendship is important to me." And she means it. He may not be that missing piece, but Gerrit is a part of her in a way that can never be replaced now.

[Gerrit]

"Yes. You're right." He would know - hadn't he been evading John and Cassandra for the last few months? But despite his negative intrusive thoughts, despite the aches within aches and his changed view on things he actually felt a bit lighter after all this. It was still complicated, but this discussion was definitely something he needed.

He nods at her assessment of their work. It wasn't as elaborate as last year, but he was sure that her eye for decoration really could buy the rest and make it look just as wonderful. Plus, they had to focus on a different kind of work that evening. "I am excited too. Uhm, and really happy for you and John." The segue was awkward, the motion had been expressed before and still Gerrit felt the need to say it.

"I'll help you carry those if you want." Leaving the movie time unanswered for now. Despite all the progress he wasn't sure if he was ready for a 'night of fun' with the happy couple. And if they restrained themselves he'd feel bad for making them do so. It sounded like a recipe for disaster. Gerrit started gathering and packing up the things Cassandra wanted to take with her, keeping his focus steadily on the work still. See, those were the things he really needed to work on - small barbs of resentment that he barely even noticed anymore.

And as if she had read his mind, the Fairest asked a final time. Gerrit took the time to think, then sighed and looked at her with an ever so slightly pained expression. "Yes, I think we are. It won't always be perfect but I think we got there. Thanks." And then he'd help her as much as she needed it, go home and lay awake for a long time.

Thank you for the scene!