The job had been a simple enough one. Halloween night party hosted by a big company. All she had to do was dress sexy and perform. Ariel stunts, sword swallowing, fire dancing, the usual. She went through the motions, her body remembering the moves and the bends without much thought. Watching the audience and how they reacted made her feel like she was on the outside looking in. The pay was good, but she had a hollow feeling as she performed.

Walking home after the show, her mind wandering over her life and where was. No longer Councilor, no real direction, still swallowing swords for a paycheck. The Shaman felt like she was treading water, not daring to take the chance of something new. Feelings of emptiness and being alone. Drowning in a dark world of hollowness and pain.

She was lost.


'Don't know where she belongs
Where she belongs'

In some ways Sacramento had become home. She felt a connection to it, like it was where she was meant to be. She had one or two friends she knew she could count on, a loft she loved, jobs always coming in. But at the same time, she felt a disconnect from it.

Was it enough? What did she want?

'She wants to go home
But nobody's home
It's where she lies
Broken inside
With no place to go
No place to go to dry her eyes
Broken inside'

Walking into her empty loft, she absently drops her bag full of gear for performing and walks over to one of huge windows. Head resting on the cool glass, she just stands there, trying to figure things out.

'Her feelings she hides
Her dreams she can't find
She's losing her mind
She's fallen behind'

She can't find her place

She's losing her faith
She's fallen from grace
She's all over the place'

The silence of the loft was deafening. It was a silence she had once welcomed and carefully cultivated. Keeping people at arm’s length, never letting someone get too close.

And now?

It only reminded her of how lonely and empty her life truly was. Protecting her heart and herself from hurt had prevented a lot of pain, but it also created a different pain. An aching inside for someone, anyone, she could drop her walls and just be accepted and loved. Someone to curl up with on cold nights and just enjoy each other’s company. Someone she could depend on and trust.

She deserved that, right?

Or had her sins in the past cut her off from ever achieving it?