Home is where your Gangrel is

[Quinn Durant]

They really hadn't had much time to process anything after they left the Chapter House and Dirt Nap. J.C Smith had to set up his room, which was a guest room Quinn put him in. The other room was Quinn's 'quiet room.' It was a place to get high, drunk, chill, or create an atmosphere of darkness and calm. It was her favorite in her modest house. Quinn was a Shadow, not a Ventrue. She had what she needed. That was always enough for her. Of course the master bedroom and bath was hers. But here J.C had his own bedroom and bathroom as well. They were far from cramped by any stretch of the imagination in the house.

Quinn went to the living room, her bare feet making no sound. She was wearing an ivory silk dress. Incredibly simple, but the material was thick and luxurious on her skin, the hem fell well past her knees. She was humming softly to herself, as she brought in some pruning's from the night blooming jasmine that grew all over the house. She loved the scent of it. She had to get a little stool out in the kitchen so she could get down a vase for it. For all the feared Kindred powers out there, nothing made up for short that she had found yet!

Quinn put some music on, and sang softly along with it, as she opened her substantial wine fridge and looked over the offerings. She was staying in and getting shit faced. Yes she was. Getting drunk sounded right up her fucking alley right now. Fuck it. She would get drunk and high and bury herself in learning the devotion she was chasing.

"Well, I was there and I saw what you did, I saw it with my own two eyes
So you can wipe off that grin, I know where you've been. It's all been a pack of lies.
And I can feel it coming in the air tonight, (Oh lord)
Well I've been waiting for this moment for all my life, (Oh lord)
I can feel it coming in the air tonight, oh lord
Well I've been waiting for this moment for all my life oh Lord, (Oh Lord)"

[Scourge]

Quinn found JC in the living room, sitting back looking into space.

He probably should have been mulling. It was an odd thought to have. He’d been at Quinn’s for a couple days now but he hadn’t really thought much about what had happened at the Order house. Was he in shock? No, just… he didn’t feel the need. Then he was content? No… well… kind of?

The thoughts just came slow and passed on by. Almost meditatively. Is that what he was doing? He supposed. He had been staring at his knee for what felt like the last half hour or so. Maybe he was depressed.

Part of him prodded that he should get up when it noticed Durant had come in. He forced himself to sit up and gave a small smile.

“Hey,” he said quietly enough that he didn't interrupt on her singing “Nice dress,” he commented idly.

[Quinn Durant]

Quinn took two bottles from the wine fridge, and poured one into a large crystal decanter, the other she stuck a quick and dirty aerator into it that made the weirdest noise as it forcefully and quite modernly did what a traditional decanter did, in a nano second, as the wine went through the small gadget and into a large wine glass made for red wine. "Would you like a glass?" She called from the kitchen, looking back over her shoulder at J.C. If he said yes, she came back with an equal glass for him, handing it to him with a gentle smile.

"Thank you. Though its hardly appropriate to wear outside of the house." She said, sitting next to him on the couch. Giving him a bit of space. She tried to not to crowd J.C physically. Mentally well....that was up for debate, wasn't it? Though she didn't think the Gangrel felt like that, but some of the parts of his mental makeup might. "You are one of the few and the proud that keeps seeing me look like a normal person instead of the glamazon I appear to be in court." Quinn tilted her face to the side, watching him a moment. "You seem to like this better."

She hesitated, and took a drink of her wine, assaulting her own tongue with a fang to let some vitae flow down her throat so she could physically hold the stuff down.

"Sooo....did you uh, see the news?" She asked softly, searching his face. She lifted a newspaper from the small coffee table with the electric candles and held it out for him. It mentioned arson at the old Chapter House. Apparently Dirt Nap burned it to the fucking ground.

"There is something I should probably tell you, that's missing from the puzzle about what happened in the reserve. Before you got there. Unless Dirt Nap told you, which I doubt he did. Though if he would have, maybe it would have helped you understand the predicament he put me in a bit better. There is one piece of this I simply cannot tell you, as it would be telling secrets of my former covenant, but I can tell you at least this part. Keeping it from you, while personal it is, doesn't seem to be anything more than withholding for the sake of being secretive. I trust you. I care about you, and I want there to be rigorous honesty between us at least."

[JC Smith]

JC knew he should probably say no. Waste of blood to drink it. Risk of regression. However, he'd fallen off the wagon so much lately he could hardly pretend he was reasonably sober at this point. And it wasn't like the rushing ecstasy of feeding didn't put him right back there anyway.

"Sure," he said and accepted the drink.

He gave a small smile at the compliment of seeing her but his eyebrows knit a bit when she said she thought he liked it better. "Not sure how to react to that," he said with a slight chuckle "You're you either way. It's just code switching... Yeah, I suppose I do." One less layer of toxic culture to puzzle through.

She could see from his expression of worry and curiosity that he hadn't heard as he took the newpaper, reading. A multitude of emotions playing over his face before settling on saddened resignation. He set down the news paper back onto the table. "Hope he's okay," was all he finally said. JC didn't think Dirt Nap was suicidal, most Kindred who lasted any amount of time weren't. He remembered studies about how risk increased with availability of a gun. Well, all vampires had a large gun rise into the sky every morning.

"No, we hadn't talked about it before the house meeting," that was when they were supposed to talk about it but that hadn't panned out. He took a drink, draining about half his glass. He didn't ask any questions just yet, honoring her trust to be willing to share. Part of him scolded for not being more suspicious.

[Quinn Durant]

Quinn quirked a small smile, as he dickered over whether he liked the simplicity of what she wore at home and out of sight of other Kindred vs. Court for a moment, and chuckled as he finally settled on what he actually liked without trying to quantify his choices. "What you like is what you like. You don't have to justify that. It's personal preference. We are still allowed those things. Even now. Just not many chances to voice them."

Quinn watched J.C's expressions as he read the article and about how it was definitely arson, with no losses of life. She held in a sigh. Watching him selflessly worry about Dirt Nap just made her want to reach over and shake him until his teeth rattled or his brain comprehended betrayal on a deeper level. Blood didn't always make you family. Quinn knew that better than anyone.
"Oh I'm sure he's fine, J.C."

Quinn felt a part of herself recoil when it was time to share. Like she always did. Dirt Nap had found out about Rodger through other Dragons and the Covenant rumor mill, and possibly through leadership. It had made it easier to confide the rest. There was none of that with J.C. It had to come from her.

"When I was first embraced my sire was already digging the hole underneath the court of Carmel. I was a fledgling when he began his last portion of his campaign to arrest control of the city for the Invictus. There are a lot of reasons I was embraced, but the one that was most important to my sire centered around his promotion to Viscount. I grew restless, and sought out learning as a way to pass the time. I had been trying to understand Auspex, so I enrolled in some art classes. A Gangrel Dragon, named Rodger Wakefield insinuated himself as my art teacher. He passed himself off as an adjunct professor. I didn't have the gifts I have now, and he knew how to mask his beast so neither Janos, my...Au Pair and Soldier of the First Estate, were the wiser. One night Rodger's opportunity finally arrived, as my sires need was great, Janos left me to attend art alone. Rodger revealed himself, and told me I had two choices. I could learn about the Order and drink his blood, or die. I answered his ultimatum, by throwing myself out of a second story window, attempting to escape him. That didn't happen. He ran me to ground. Eventually I became blood bound to him." She paused to let him absorb that for what it was.

"It's why Dirt Nap feels as he does towards me. Why he waited until after I had agreed to take over Grand Wyrm before he let the other shoe drop. He mislead me deliberately, because he knew I would leave the covenant if he revealed the truth, so he waited until after he had my agreement and let the other shoe drop. He put it as he himself, didn't want to kill me, but his beast does. As if he was trying to divorce himself from his beast, which is fucking nuts. He wanted me to give you the ultimatum that you join the Dragons or I kick you out of the Chapter House. Obviously I didn't. I guess he had to do his own dirty work, huh?"

"Rodger got his in the end. He was ashed by Janos and my sibling major David." She spread her hands a moment, as if to say, 'that's it'.

[JC Smith]

“I’m pretty sure he’s not,” he replied, though from the fact that he calmly set down the paper it seemed it wasn’t being burned alive in a fire that was concerning him. However, the fact that he drained the rest of his glass and refilled it hinted that worry or disappointment was still there.

JC listened attentively to Quinn as she spoke. He’d never experience the vinculum, just knew it from the warnings his sire had given him in the short time she’d seen fit to acclimate his to Kindred society. To his understanding it amounted to no less than a form of mental rape.

“It sounds like you did everything you could. I’m sorry it happened.” Yeah, it was a little stereotypically Canadian but there wasn’t much more he could say. “I’m honored that you would share that with me.” Such stories were often not shared lightly.

And he could see why what Dirt Nap had done would anger her so much. Though part of him wanted to switch her narrative into eye statements out of habit, until he realized that of all people Mehket were most likely to actually know what someone was thinking.

“Did he let you read his mind?” he asked “I think Dirt Nap has problems with disassociation but not just the beast. I’d say most Kindred dissociate from it. But also his thoughts, his identity, and his humanity. I think he did it as a way to try to get help without confronting those parts and views he doesn't want to, including our own. Putting all the reasonability on us to 'fix' things without having to do the hard parts himself. I doubt he even sees what he did as coercive. Though that doesn’t make it less abusive and toxic.” However, if she’d seen his thoughts, maybe JC was just off the mark. Maybe Dirt Nap had just been lying about the whole thing. Again, didn’t make it less toxic.

[Quinn Durant]

She wanted to reach out to him, but such things were harder to bare often than the emotions that still haunted them. Sensing his beast, made it harder, as well. It was always a reminder of what they were. She swallowed hard, and nodded slightly. "It was an unforgettable education." Was that bitterness in her tone? Maybe. "I survived it at least. Not many can say the same who have met similar fates. There is more than one reason Prince Antinori's laws regarding the vinculum are so attractive to me."

Quinn sighed. "Yes. I was in his mind, as we were communicating mind to mind, I also was reading his aura. He believes what he says is true. Which is pretty classic for Kindred honestly. We can grow to believe our own lies as easily as we accept the truth. His aura showed his turmoil towards me, and honestly nearly the entire time he was was showing he was motivated by his obsession with me. It that is really true, then why would he give me up so easily? Normally when I have seen that in the aura, they would do anything to keep their obsession close. He couldn't wait to get rid of both of us. I mean if I wouldn't do all the shit he didn't want to do, and I was out of the picture, then he didn't need you either, and he tossed you just as easily."

Quinn drained her glass and refilled, one bottle of wine down. Who knows how many more to go?! Depended on how much you wanted to throw up. Even that wasn't enough to deter her from getting buzzed tonight. Blowing off a little bit of steam didn't seem like a bad plan.

"I don't think he's dealt with the hard parts, ever in his fucking existence. Hence why he wanted me for the job. I can't believe he thought I would just chuck you out of the Chapter House like that. Look...I won't pretend to speak for Dirt Nap, and I know he's your family, you have to deal with him more than I ever will, but I want you to know, that I would do a lot to make sure you are safe and comfortable. Whatever the reasons that brought us together, J.C. I care for you, and I won't turn from you, when you need me. I know you have other options than living with me, but I want you here. It's not about needs. Yours or mine. I've come to enjoy your company. Hearing you exist in the same space as me, brings me a level of comfort I haven't felt in a long time."

Why can't you just say it? You really think he doesn't realize you are lonely without him?

[JC Smith]

“I could hazard a few guesses. However, I think it’s obvious I didn’t know him as well as I thought I did.” He sighed as well. The wine was starting to kick in. That’s what happened when you didn’t have any actual food in your stomach. He looked around for more. “But I doubt it will be ‘just like that’. He’s been talking about something called pack blooded with the clan. Not sure exactly what that is but I would say there’s a possibility he try something again.” Ah, there was another bottle.

“He’s dealt with them. Well, not dealt dealt. He’s come up with coping mechanisms that have gotten him through. That’s why people have them. Unhealthy or not, a lot of the time the work in one way or another.” Like self medicating because you couldn’t take actual medication any more.

“I think he had a different idea of what the house was. I think he couldn’t see what it could be. It does sting. Losing it. It had… started to feel like home.” In your cups. That’s what some people called it. He watched the light sparkle through. It looked somewhat like blood if you squinted right. If only it could solve those cravings as well.

He felt a part of himself want to fight against her words. An angry, bitter , resentful part that didn’t believe her. Or didn’t want to. Or disbelieved she could offer either safety or comfort. He washed it down and away. At this point he was to sick of trying to parse things out to give it the time of day. Of course that just left other feelings in its place.

“I don’t feel… worthy,” damn he hated words sometimes. “Not the, I need to measure up worthy,” he added quickly, this wasn’t some cheesy romance. He washed down more parts telling him this was a bad idea and to play it safe. Wholehearted living required vulnerability. “I make mistakes. I’ve made mistakes. And I’m young. And I don’t know if I’m going to survive.” Shit, what was he even talking about? He took a long breath. Flex, relax. Just say how you feel.

“I’ve run from city to city, since I was embraced a couple years ago. Something would happen. Sometimes bad, sometimes it only felt bad. I’d get afraid, and I’d run. I’ve nearly done it a couple times since coming here.” He really probably should slow down on the alcohol. “I’m not a stable person,” he finally said “And I feel like… I don’t want to burden you.”

He suspected he’d be crying silently. If he still had tears.

“I’d like stay. I like talking with you,” he gave a small smile that even managed to be playful “Thinking at you occasionally.”

He leaned back in the seat. Sipping a little more slowly.

“You’ve seen some of darker parts I try to parse through.” He sounded suddenly more calm. “And I can have a lot of thoughts at once that can make rigorous honestly… difficult to express. Or overwhelming, like when I first dunked you in. I’m worried, I guess a little that I might do it again, but also that I might be too much of a broken person to be around sometimes.”

He gave a smile, sad yet somehow bright. “But if you’re okay with… all that, I wouldn’t say no to your company either.”

[Quinn Durant]

Quinn listened intently to J.C and rose her eyebrows at J.C. "Pack blooded? After the shit he fucking pulled I would be leery of anything he brings up. I would advise you ask Mable what that is, or Prince Antinori herself. At least they are solid and not trying to use everybody for their own ends. You should really consider informing your Priscus before he picks a weaker target."


She didn't comment on how he 'dealt' with it. Quinn didn't have the same attachment to Dirt Nap that J.C did. She was keenly aware of how much Dirt Nap had meant, does mean, to him.


Quinn's lips parted slightly when J.C said he didn't feel worthy. She could understand that to a certain extent. In the Kine world you have worth as the collective 'human being' not to mention the sense of entitlement to certain levels of respect and such. Self worth was measured on a lot of things, but Kindred do not have that. Kindred society was rigid and Feudal. Even Quinn herself felt that way at times. If there was ever a time to tell him how you feel now is it. Maybe a wee bit more liquid courage to ease the words out.


"You are proving your worth to the entire court, J.C. As am I for that matter. It takes time to feel ....accomplished in our society. On any level. I did what I was told before I came here. I didn't have choices. I had only the open doors my sire would allow me. He had absolute control of the court, of the coterie, of me."


"I didn't ask you to stay out of pity. A part of the reason why I want you with me, is every since I was bound to Rodger, even after he met his final death, its like some part of me misses that bond. When I am around you and unfortunately, Dirt Nap, it feels a little less painful. I feel drawn to your clan's blood. I suppose I should feel thankful that's the only negative effect. That I didn't get saddled with blood addiction."


Quinn shook her head. "I know J.C. I've always known. Since the first time you let me into your mind. I also know you are capable of love. Actual love, not just the echo of it. There is no one I would want to have closer than you. I trust you. You came to protect me in the Reserve that night. I see you J.C. I am your ally, and if you would like, I can help you with your mental states. Telepathy doesn't just allow me to read the mind and share thoughts and memories and feelings, but also the ability to project thoughts into the minds of others. Perhaps that could be used to some effect to help you. Also...I got the number of a really hot guy who I think would be more up your alley than mine......just saying....perhaps we need to get you introduced to someone well...more human than we are. Grow the beauty inside of you, instead of the beast."




There was a lot more wine, and a lot more conversation, and yes some laughter in there as Quinn quizzed him mercilessly, and playfully, about his taste in a mate.