Gerrit laid in his bed, trying to just break his situation down into smaller pieces, trying to manage what life threw at him. He still felt his body singing from the punishment Ram and the Colonel had dealt and weirdly this throbbing pain helped him keep his mind on track, kept him from spiraling.


Those were the facts: he had been stupid and naive, he had been expecting too much from Vivian and from Sacramento as a whole. And it came back to bite him. Hard.
What could be done about this?


Well, for starters he could stop expecting anything. Yes, he has made friends here, but apparently things could change at any moment. Prepare your farewells. It had been spelled out for him all this time. He thought he was above Winter, above the Wyrd. He knew better now: if he didn't hope that something good might happen to him, the inevitable disappointment wouldn't hurt as much.


Gerrit's Mantle flared up a bit, as if to reassure him in that thought. There was a problem with this plan: how would people react to him being like this all of the sudden. He used to be warm, friendly, helpful. If he wasn't like that anymore, would people start to turn away from him? If he didn't give them what they've come to expect, would he lose all the friends he'd made so far? As if people cared enough about you to really notice a change.
Still, he didn't want to risk a big pity party being thrown in his honor. So.. was he supposed to act as if he was the same? The thought about lying to everybody all the time made part of him protest. That would be the first step to becoming a selfish, manipulative jerk like his father was.


But hadn't John said something like it's sometimes okay to lie? To protect people? That afternoon in the Winter Hollow felt like ages ago, but Gerrit thought that was the gist of the lessons. Hide your love and hate. So maybe he could do that - try to act as if he was dealing with Vivian's disappearance pretty well. If he slipped up he would have the reasonable deniability of still processing the loss.


There was something else: he still cared about people. That was something so deeply ingrained in his personality that nothing could change this. He still wanted to be there for others - he just needed to stop wanting anything for himself. Keeping a facade up would maybe keep him close enough to his friends to be there for them. Cassandra, John, Ram.. plus all the other members of the Freehold that deserved to have so semblance of happiness. This could give him a purpose too. Something to focus on, to not only lie around uselessly.


So that was it. His battle plan for the future.
Now, about that idea he had.. Gerrit's heart beat heavily at the thought of it. Maybe he has been the victim for too long? Maybe fighting his newfound nature was what had been exhausting him, making him weak and emotional. Maybe it was time for him to lash out.. in a controlled fashion. Could Ram or the Colonel help him with that?
The beating of his heart grew faster. Much like lying or substance abuse, this was such a huge taboo for him. He always wanted to distance himself from his past as much as possible, to be a better person. But maybe there were some things one couldn't escape from. Violence had been a huge part for all of his youth, it had been the sole reason and substance of his Durance. What if violence simply was a part of him?
He could try it. Someday he could ask Summer to show him some options. Someday.