Problems

[JC Smith]

There were a lot problems that came with being dead.

One, you could never see the sun again. Granted, he didn’t need it produce vitamin D anymore but there were other aspects he missed. He wasn’t sure if it actually mattered, scientifically, but in his own experience it definitely was one of those little things that wore on his mental health. Not being able to enjoy a sunny day. Not being able to meet people for lunch. It isolated you.

Two, your old life was basically over. Granted, maybe he could still be in Vancouver. He was young. It would have been another ten or so years before the aging thing forced him out. However, it was too late for that. And even if it wasn’t it would have happened eventually.

Three, drugs. All the good one that actually helped were long term, take day and just the right dose to work. And you had to expend blood to make it work. Then you threw up the mostly dissolved pill an hour later before it had time to even absorb. All the less helpful ones just happened to be short term and fast acting. And lucky you, you could just drink someone else’s blood for the buzz. AND drunks were easier to hunt! And you got the ecstatic joy of feeding to go along with it. Addiction, self medication. It was such an easy option when you were dead.

As JC’s prey slumped over in the alley and the intoxicating blood pooled in his veins, he couldn’t but think that was a problem.

[JC Smith]

It’d been almost two weeks and now JC was sitting in a hole under a bridge feeling miserable. Not because he was sitting in a hole. It was because the alcohol had worn off and he was starting to be able to think again. Which meant seeing how he was doing, knowing what he had to do, and being paralyzed by anxiety into not doing it, and then feeling shame for not doing it. Lather, rinse, repeat.

Perhaps worse was thinking that he had the rest of his life to have to deal with this shitty broken mind of his. All his aspiration at living a full rich life seemed hopeless. Or miles away. And it would be constant exhausting work to get there. Exhausting work to pick up the phone. Exhausting work to talk things out. Exhausting work to go to court in two days. Figure out a way to contribute. Stop the Jackal. Visit the farm. Go for a walk. The list went on and on. Never ending into enterinty. Swirling in a whirlpool of dark and empty thoughts he couldn’t stop. At least, not with not without (yet again) work.

He urge to just leave resurfaced again. Get away from all these problems. Leave behind the Prince’s opinion of him. Or the feeling of Dirt Nap’s manipulation. The guilt of the death he’d facilitated at the hands of the Jackal. Just… get away. Move on. Leave behind this stupid, exhausting society of Kindred and Kine and the pain they inflicted on the vulnerable.

JC pressed his hands into his eyes, rubbing them. Feeling like needed to cry. Knowing that it was no longer possible.

Because as much as those urges surface to just run into the wilds, it would do no good. Because when it came down to it, it was constant exhausting work just to sit here alone with his thoughts. And that would never change.

[JC Smith]

And if all paths were hard… might as well take the one that might eventually lead somewhere.

He groaned and sat up straighter, forcing himself to breath. He tried to find a mantra. Positive self-talk. Stating what you want as true.

It was painful.

His mind resisted it. It was hard to keep calm. Anytime he said something, he’d immediately try to discredit it. And the recognizing a thought and letting it go was difficult. They clawed to be heard. To tear down any positive idea.

failure

Date	Action	Roll	Result
2021-06-29 19:02:05	[01] JC Smith rolls 7 to Meditation Wits+Comp (1s Subtract)	4, 6, 6, 4, 1, 6, 10	failure

But kept going, until he was finally able to settle on one mantra that was able to take hold. Even if it was only by the hopeful wish that it was true.
“Being vulnerable takes strength. I’m strong enough to do this.”

1 success

Date	Action	Roll	Result
2021-06-29 19:02:05	[02] JC Smith rolls 7 to Meditation Wits+Comp (1s Subtract)	4, 5, 6, 5, 6, 7, 8	1 success

After it words helped to finally calm his mind slightly it was time for the hard work.

What feeling needs to be addressed? All it! Everything! What’s most important? Talking with Dirt Nap and Quinn. Talking with others. You need to stop stalling and join a covenant and before talking with Quinn you still need to talk to Edward about the Invictus, Conner about the Lance, and SOMEONE about the Carthians. You also need to figure out what you want to DO here in Sacramento. Dirt Nap’s right. You’ve been so focused on learning protean in case you needed to escape that you haven’t actually built a life. You need to fix things with the Alessandra. Find out exactly what she meant by speaks the words of a snake. You’re in danger if you don’t.

Alright… but what’s most important. … … … …

Talking with Dirt Nap and Quinn. It’s what brought on this spiral and you need to resolve it.

Alright, how do I feel about talking with them? Scared, angry. Dirt Nap manipulated me. They’re going to pressure you to join the Dragons. If you don’t you risk losing their friendship. Just talking to them about you feel is going to make them doubt you.

How are those feelings trying to help? Staying away will make sure they don’t learn about you. Keeps you from being hurt. Even as the thoughts came he could feel the fear, dissolve. Just needing to be heard.

He MANIPULATED you. He doesn’t even see what he did was wrong. He’s not the person you thought he was and if you go back it going to happen again. You should be angry at him. He broke your trust. Could have hurt Quinn. And don’t give me the therapist bullshit. This is why you keep a distance from patients. You’re too close and it led to this. Not too mention the spiral you’re in right now.

So, you’re concerned he’ll do it again? I know he will. He’s an addict. You knowing how lying comes to them. Is there anything that would help reassure you that I’m taking precautions against it? No! You’re too soft. You’re just going to get pulled in again. Do you think it’s reasonable to avoid him entirely? It’s safe! … but no. Then what would you have me do? … Explain it to him. Tell him if it happens you won’t be available in a professional capacity to him any more. Alright.

Who’s next?

4 successes

Date	Action	Roll	Result
2021-06-29 19:02:05	[03] JC Smith rolls 7 to Meditation Wits+Comp (1s Subtract)	10, 9, 3, 9, 7, 8, 5	4 successes