Apology Cookies

[Cassandra Reeding]

Cassandra can't help but smile in sympathy. She knows exactly what Vivian means, not having had a chance to live. Cassandra hadn't either. Just barely an adult, hadn't even finished to get her high school diploma, didn't get to do her university auditions, didn't get to experience university like a young adult back then was supposed to. So many things she didn't get to do. Part of her youth stolen.


She can't help but look down at herself, her body looking around her mid to late twenties, but she's pretty sure she's twenty-nine now. Aside from Gerrit and Anatole, she's pretty sure she looks the oldest, particularly of the women. "I can more than empathize with that. I remember stumbling out, landing in the snow, unable to accept reality. Nearly cut one of my mentors with a cake cutter," she can't help but chuckle. Poor Erin. "I didn't know who I was supposed to be when I learned of my other half. I can imagine yours being far more severe though, the loss of familiarity."


She listens "I think you make plenty of sense right now. Your feelings and experiences are important. Stress probably doesn't help though. Uh, I'm not trying to shrink you or anything, I'm just trying to relate. I think we're a lot more like than you'd think, being on opposite sides of the Seasonal spectrum."


Cassandra can't help but smile a bit at the forwardness, "I have been on the receiving end of a lot of solos recently, so I do get my time to shine often. It's also not the only instrument I play." She looks back toward her crafting corner where she hasn't really gestured to before, "I build instruments too. Did that Harp very recently." The Harp is gorgeous and absolutely enamoring. It is a complete work of art and mastery.


Her interest is peaked up even more when the Airtouched mentions Gerrit, "Oh, Gerrit. You've given him a private show, have you?" She can't help but grin a little, "He's such a nervous one, but an absolute sweetheart. Does he come over often?" She's one hundred percent ready for some tea. Girl talk. Let's go.

As they sit there, Aria begins batting around a little feather that hangs off of her cat tree. She makes tiny mews of excitement as she does so.


Cassandra dunks another cookie and takes another bite and the enthusiasm of Vivian as she goes wild with the cookies makes her smile. "And I'd love the name of the studio."

[Vivian Wing]

"It's disorientating for anyone from what I've been told. Some it is a bit worse, but I try not to participate in the suffering Olympics. Suffering is the one with we all have in common. One of the constant threads that binds our community so tightly together. We got lost. We suffered. We made it back, only to become like Robert Heinlein's character: A Stranger in a Strange Land. Minus the polyamory."

"I estimate I was in Arcadia for about 30 years, give or take, at least how time is measured in this world that's how long. I know I was there long enough to forget this world entirely for awhile. If I hadn't escaped, I would be literally a part of the Flying city forever." She went still again. Just like that night in Funderland before she stormed off. Constant movement was a feature, not a bug. When it stopped, shit got real real. She reached for more cookies, not wolfing them down as much now that she had stress ate a bit at first. The tension had calmed down.

"Oh...okay. Hmmm...I don't think I would be good in that environment. Umm...I get irritated easily with things I can't understand the point of but there's a lot of expectation. Like....I would feel the other instruments were trying to drown you out and I would get very very irritated with that I think." She cleared her throat slightly, shifting a bit, giving Cassandra those fathomless depths eyes look of 'I'm sorry.'

The Harp got the Airtouched out of her seat and gusting hurrying over to it. "Is there a buyer for this already?" She inquired, looking it over closely with wonder and admiration in her eyes. "This is very very good. I can tell! I know harps!" She suddenly realized she had jumped up and practically ran away in the middle of talking to someone to examine an object....

"Oh..I uh...s-sorry." She stammered. "I know that's rude, I'm sorry I just get so excited and I want to rush right over!" She paused and came and sat back down and ate another cookie. "Gerrit invited me out to a picnic in the park. It went well, and I realized I wanted to see him again, but just the two of us. You see another lost showed up and was making things awkward. I just wanted him to go away, so I knew I had to invite Gerrit over to my house. Dancing was a good excuse and I do like sharing my art privately. I try not to do it to much with groups because I don't want to seem like I am trying to make it all about me me me...you know?"

"Sacramento Ballet. They do adult classes there." She said with a slight chuckle.

[Cassandra Reeding]

Cassandra's eyes widen a hint at the 30 years line. "You too, huh? But you're right about the Suffering Olympics. Though, I feel there is something to what we do remember being used to relate, because while we share the suffering, we don't really know what another one of us has suffered and how it affects them now." Cassandra takes another cookie, slowly dunking it and eating it again.


When Vivian expresses her not possibly being suited to the orchestral environment, at first, she wanted to fight that, but this is a Lost. Lost know their limits. "Hey, don't worry about it. I can play for you solo. Or maybe a small group would be okay? Like a quartet. This way you get to hear how other instruments dance with mine. My instrument is beautiful, but sometimes it needs a partner to bring out even more of its beauty."


Cassandra watches Vivian and she can't help but smile, "Well, I crafted that one for myself, but I can certainly make you one. That one is tweaked in just the right way for me, I'd like to do the same for anyone I craft an instrument for." She's always appreciative of other musicians when they oogle at her work. "If you'd like to play it, you certainly may. I play, but it isn't my main instrument as you know."


"I can more than understand that. There was a bit of problem with that when I was in university. People didn't want to play with me because their playing wasn't... I really hated that. I'm sure when people do that to you it is incredibly annoying. But you went to a park and picnicked? That's so cute. And then you gave him a private show. How did that go?" This is the kind of girly talk Cassandra has missed having. "I'd assume pretty well, because I haven't seen Gerrit quite this happy since I've met him. Nervous, though he is always nervous, but happy."

[Vivian Wing]

Vivian nodded slowly. "I'm not sure how long it was in actual Arcadia of course. Time runs however the Keeper wishes. It's their little sandbox."


"I would like you to play solo. I mean at first anyway, then I can pick you out of the quartet." She said confidently, at first missing out on the point, until her eyes narrowed a touch and she seemed to think about what she was saying how the other instruments make it better. "Like how dancing partners can enhance the performance of a song..." She said slowly, able to relate to it. She grinned slightly, clearly proud of herself. There was no guile in Vivian. She just wasn't built that way.


"I would love a harp of my own. It's one of the few things I really enjoyed from Arcadia. My keeper would let me play it when I was allowed to take physical form. I haven't gotten one because they are way out of my price range. I'd have to save for like a year for one. I could probably afford the materials to make one, but the labor, I mean..." She shrugged her shoulders. "Maybe we could play together sometime. That would be really fun."


Vivian leaned forward giggling slightly. "You are the only one I've told about dating someone other than Seraphina, but I didn't give her a name cause I didn't know if Gerrit would be ready for that. I figure you are a part of his court, so its okay if you know. I know winters are very secretive. I-I.." She stammered a second. "I'm not saying that we are a couple or anything, but I know I don't feel anything special for anyone else." She chuckled and smiled softly. "It went very very well. He enjoyed watching me perform and I enjoyed him watching me. His lips are really soft, and his body is warm. No cold chill in his mantle, which is nice. Though I know my mantle is rather warm and sticky. I want to feel his hands on my body, but I think I should wait until we get to know each other better. I just want to grab him and have my way with him, but I'm a virgin, so I know that's probably not the best idea for it feeling good for me."

[Cassandra Reeding]

Cassandra nods, "I understand."


"I could see that. Well, before you go, I could play something for you. And with your experience with the harp, I can definitely see us playing something together. It would be lots of fun." Cassandra gives a warm smile, and there is something similar in the way that her Polychromatic skin shimmers in pinks and purples and blues and greens.


But when Vivian states that her keeper made her play, some of that color pales in her. She is surprised, more than surprised, that someone like her would still want to play after experiencing that. Cassandra experienced just the opposite. It took her well over a year to be able to pick up her instrument again. She forced herself through college because she knew she needed to. Sometimes you just have to do what you have to do. And sometimes you do exactly what I want you to do. Sometimes she wonders if her actions are even hers. "I am glad that you found some sense of beauty in it. The harp is a celestial instrument all of its own. It is romantic and tugs quite well on the heart strings."


A little bit of that warmth returns to her face as Vivian begins talking about Gerrit. And oh the tea. Vivian gets significantly more descriptive than she expected her to, which puts just a hint of a blush to her cheeks. To a degree, she understands. "I definitely think that Gerrit likes you very much, so whether to consider yourselves a couple is likely immanent, but that is my outsider perspective. Something you do need to think about is how public you might want it to be. You know that Winter is more cautious; that goes with our relationships too. Usually. But that is an individual choice that goes beyond Season." It makes her heart flutter thinking about when she asked John if she could call him her boyfriend. At the same time, she feels that tug and wish that she could just have that moment of girl talk. She wished she could talk about how amazing everything is, how much of a struggle certain things are, some things that drive her crazy, the things she wishes they could have. But no, time to focus on Vivian.


"My advice on sexual advances is just take it slow. There is no rush and I feel like there is something to going through each step before you get there. Start small, kisses, maybe occasionally making out and cuddling. Things can flow naturally from there. Of course, there will be a lot of sexual frustration. A lot of sexual frustration.


"Part of that, is that you need to be cognizant of your partner. Talk to them about what they want, ask what they want. Though, try to ease him in there instead of blatantly asking him what kind of sexual things he wants to do. Test and ask if he wants to go further." She won't admit the dreams she's had about John letting her take it just a little further than kisses. Well, not yet anyway. She can imagine. God, what would he think if she had one of those dreams when they occasionally dream together?


"I definitely know the temptation of wanting to go incredibly quick with it. That's how I was with my ex. I swear, as soon as I could feel, I was in love with him. It was like being high and ready to do anything. And yeah, the sex was absolutely incredible, but I still somewhat regret that we didn't have that in between stage, though I don't regret the sex itself." John does not seem to be anywhere near ready for it, but they also haven't tested too far in the first place. And she's okay with all of it, every single thing should be taken at his pace, because he deserves to have it done right.

[Vivian Wing]

"Sure you can play for me! I can be a good listener! If given a chance!" She assured her with a grin.

"I think I want to keep things between the two of us for awhile. Until we are a full fledged couple. I'm telling you about it because you are his court, but anyone else really doesn't need to know. Maybe later, if we decide its causing problems to keep our feelings a secret we will go public."
She shrugged a little, as if she was willing to be very very flexible with things.

She chuckled softly. "I know what I should do, logically. Just sticking to that is hard when we are alone together. It's like everything inside of me wants to open up to him completely. In the moment it always feels like we are ready, but I have to remember that its just those feelings are like that. It doesn't mean you should just let them all go willy nilly."

[Cassandra Reeding]

"Well then, I'll play for you soon after this." She smiles and then nods and her mind can't help but think about the fact that John also knows. Would that bother her? She won't say it though. "I think that's a good decision, particularly as it is whatever makes you both feel the most comfortable. It doesn't hurt that it can keep you safe from others trying to use you both against each other. Sometimes once people know you have someone you love or deeply care about, they'll try to use that against you. Not knowing keeps that possibility to a minimum." She smiles faintly, "And there is some fun in having a secret just between the two of you. Well, mostly. I won't tell anyone else."

She continues to listen and at that point, Aria begins brushing up against her leg. Not having expected it, she almost jumps. She's still not used to having her around. Not yet. "Oh, god, Aria." She looks down at the kitten and gives her a few pets along with a little smile before looking back up at Vivian, "I know it's hard. Passion gets to be that way. Sometimes you are in the middle of kissing and all you want is to simply jump their bones and show every kind of emotion and physical feeling that's been building up inside of you. There is, of course, no set time to wait, of course. It's all about when the both of you are ready for it. And you know this.

"Having never had sex, I can imagine there is some anxiety about it. If you have any questions, you are certainly free to ask if you need to. Not that you have to have any thought up right now, just in general if one comes to you. Sera may be the Queen of Desire, but I'm sure she never went an extended period of time having never had sex, whether by choice or not. I've been there. I don't believe in virginity as a concept, but I didn't experience it until just a few years ago. It feels different when you are older. The anxieties are somewhat different, if only because you're not often being with someone else who is the same."

[Vivian Wing]

"That makes some sense, cause the True Fae use everything against you. Everything was always some fake test or loop hole or new torture. We are the strong ones. We escaped. Still they try to find us. Still they want us back, and if they could hurt someone close to you to make that happen, well, they certainly would! I can understand that logic."

"I think you give me to much credit. I watch people all the time and don't understand their choices. Some seem so arbitrary I cannot imagine why they would do it at all. Relationships are like for me. I don't understand them. Even my own feelings are hard to tack down sometimes, but one thing is for sure, I don't feel this way for anyone else, Cassandra. I'm used to making my decisions and simply doing, but its not like that in relationships. That's how you hurt people. Not thinking before you do something."

She paused and ate a few more cookies, looking thoughtful. Wondering what that will be like. Vivian didn't fear much. Was she even scared? Not really. It was kinda hard for her to get real bent out of shape about sex after all she went through in Arcadia. I mean, after being unmade, nothing really can top that for pain or sheer terror. "I'm not anxious at all. I guess if I was still human I would be. Just....I was unmade a lot. I know the exact number because there is nothing that is more painful or terrifying than that. And its not like when you are here, you eventually pass out from the pain. Your body gives out under the intensity here. That doesn't exist when you are being made and unmade again. You feel every millisecond of the pain. There is no escape from it."

[Cassandra Reeding]

"I give you that credit because you won't. It's a frustrating state of being and it is easy to be harsher on ourselves. But I could be projecting. I still don't quite understand people. They don't make sense. Logically, there is a way certain people should act, but then... they just don't. It is like everyone is anomaly." She smiles and takes another bite of a cookie. "Relationships are messy. They aren't logical because you can't just do what you want. You have to think of that person and their feelings, communicate. Gerrit is a sweetheart, but he's strong minded. He'll tell you what he wants. I'm glad you do though, feel that way. Sometimes it just happens. Sometimes you just fall right into it and you don't know how or when it happened." It was like that for her and John., drawn to him from the very beginning, as odd as it seems.

And for a moment, she almost goes into her current relationship. She wanted so badly to relate on that level - with the current. She hated going back to Phillip in her mind, but he's the only past she has until now. Instead of delving into it, she pulls it back, continuing to listen. There is a hint of a frown as Vivian talks about being unmade over and over again. Imagining what that would be like gives her an eerie inner fright. The tiniest tear escapes the corner of her eyes, but she plays it off as typical, perhaps an effect of being tired.


"I'd figure that would make it harder. The idea of someone touching you after that's happened to you, but each person has their own responses to what they dealt with. Touch was too much stimulation in the wrong way for me and frankly, it was terrifying." It reminded her of the feeling of his hands. So many hands. It felt like being smothered, bits of her soul being ripped apart. Over and over again. A small voice crying out that they'll be better, do better, play better. At least, that's what she feels like happened. She's always wondered how close or far from the truth that is. "It's probably a good thing in a weird light that your response is a want instead of an aversion."


"Might as well live in the now though, right? Don't rush, savor it, but don't wait longer than you or your partner wants to. Harder than it sounds."


"But on it, what are you excited about? Even beyond Gerrit. You got anything cool coming up? Any special music videos or a show? Hitting up the town?" While she is speaking, she stands up and walks over to her corner where she keeps her cello in its case. She had wanted to hear her play after all.

So sorry. This one got away from me. I didn't realize I hadn't responded.

[Vivian Wing]

"I disagree on the point of not knowing how something happens. You know how it happens." She said with a little chuckle.

She listened to the rest and smiled slightly.

"Thank you for having me over. It was enlightening. Have a good say."

She tucked in her chair, and headed out.

Thanks for the scene.