Fit for an Onyx Court

[James Turner]

“I can’t turn back time Gerrit, I can’t undo decisions I’ve made in the past. So yes, there is sometimes a point to let dreams die.” The was frustration there, pain but none of it was directed at Gerrit. He closed his eyes and took a breath, coming back to himself, going back to stillness. “You’re not wrong. I just, can’t have what I want. I can’t stop Them anymore than an Ant can stop the rain. I just want peace, peace and quiet. I want to not have to look over my shoulder and wonder if today is the day I go back. Sorry.” He softened his voice though there was no real pitch change the whole time.

“Compromise is important, just as knowing when to draw the line is. If you meant more happy dreams, then no, all I want is to be allowed to live what’s left of my life as my own. It’s why I didn’t go hunt my fetch, it’s why I don’t keep tabs on it besides what I see in dreams. My life was taken from me, so I had to start over as we all do. I just want to live it as mine and on my own terms. That’s my dream.”

He hadn’t stopped the conversation because Cassandra had come in, he had acknowledged her with a nod, but he’d kept talking to Gerrit. Even stopping all that he’d been doing to give the Ogre his full attention. Now there the king was, no monarch just a man. One as wounded and hurt as they all were just the scars he bore were different. He felt that familiar frozen core in his chest, that throbbing pain in his heart anytime he brought up the past. The wounds still fresh as they were the day they were given. He didn’t think he’d ever forget, didn’t know who he would be if he did.

“It wouldn’t hurt to shore up your defenses, lets you control what information you’re giving out. As to it being Winter-y, it’s different for everyone. We all have our own way to keep hidden, for some it means being famous, for some it means deceit. You’re Wintery enough because you’ve chosen to be, don’t second guess yourself.” A small smile added to that. “Now what is it you wish for?

“Thank you for getting the windows Cassandra. Just, uh, don’t go crazy with cleaning yet. I just want to give the place a once over and see if I can’t figure out what happened here.”

[Gerrit]

John's words hurt - although Gerrit was well aware that this was not his pain to bear, not his battle to fight. Hearing this from a decidedly more experienced Lost meant that Gerrit's own dreams and hopes were for naught, didn't it? The Ogre frowned and looked at his hands, now idly picking at his scabs and scars. "But the past is in the past - we can hardly expect to hold our lives to bygone standards." What are you doing? Are you helping John or are you trying to convince yourself? Either way, the Darkling's answer could very well be read as a renounce of possible relationships, or rather: anything concerning Cassandra. Should he tell her? Maybe he was just overthinking the vague answers he had been given.

Maybe they were talking at cross purposes altogether. Maybe romance was as far away from John's thoughts as possible and Gerrit read too much into it. And why would he care? Because he liked Cassandra and wanted to see her happy? What about his own happiness? "I'd like to think that I want to help you in achieving whatever dream you're chasing." Yes, that was his way of doing things. Why dig into his own needs when he could help others?

Cassandra entering the Hollow again startled Gerrit a bit. He hadn't talked about what she had entrusted him with, but he still felt kind of guilty. All the better that they had something else to talk about. "Uhm, I was wondering if you could give me some lessons in lying." He realized how bad that sounded and quickly added: "I mean, like guarding ones emotions and intents. If that's something you can teach I'd very much like to learn." He didn't dare look at Cassandra - he already felt like he'd betrayed her. Maybe I shouldn't have talked to her about this right before meeting John...

[Cassandra Reeding]

Cassandra nods, not quite yet answering John until she's opened the windows. After a minute, she comes back into the main area, though she hopes she hasn't intruded on any conversation. Something about John teaching him something? She hadn't been paying a great deal of attention. Of course, then her brain got back with her and she sighs.

"Yeah, we should investigate the grounds more in depth, especially now that we've got some wards up. See what we can find. I may not be great at a general look, but give me something closer to investigate and I'm your girl." Awkward word choice, but she doesn't let it bother her too much. Other things were eating at her enough without her worry about the vocab she's using. "We can all work together on it, unless there is something else either of you needs to do? Nothing wrong with diving activity."

For some reason, she'd gotten working and now that's all she wanted to do. Stop stressing out. That, of course, didn't help a thing. Maybe it was something about finally moving forward on something that it was just poking at her. Things had felt so stagnant. Things hardly moving in meaningful ways. This Hollow, assuming investigations clear some of it, is progress. She needed that.

[James Turner]

"Not about holding myself to the standards then. About changing one decision that got me here in the first place." He shrugged at Gerrit, he didn't know what else to say or do for the Ogre. The one time he pursued his own desires it led him down this path in the first place. James didn't seem at all bothered that Cassandra might now be privy to the conversation. It was just a conversation between friends about each other, what was there to worry about?


"I appreciate that and the sentiment is the same. I'm sure if I dug far enough I could find a solution to my problem. A way to change things, to make us safer, to go back and change fate. But the price isn't likely worth it. So I live in the circumstances I find myself in now, I work with the tools I have, and I do what I can so others can have their chance to have one more safe day."


He turned his back to Gerrit this time, leaning forward hands on the window frame as he looked out across the hedge. His mind going back to a now distant memory, remembering looking out over the field and sharing dinner. Smiles and laughter, that feeling of freedom he hadn't ever had before. A weight off his shoulders and the cold poison of betrayal filled his veins. He kept his breathing steady but his grip on the frame increased. Nodding to Cassandra's assertion and suggestion but that had been it. Locked in his mind fighting the ghosts of the past that continue to haunt him. All it took was one decision.

"I had my dream Gerrit. I left it behind to save myself." The words were as cold as ice as he spoke this one truth for the first time.

[Gerrit]

Gerrit was silent for a long time after John had finished his speech. Admitting to such a outlook on life took a lot of guts - although it saddened Gerrit to see what little vision John had left in him. A part of him wanted to argue with the Darkling, make him see that there was a way, that not all dreams are lost. He opened his mouth, then closed it again and let go of the held air in a raspy sigh.

He looked at Cassandra in an apologetic way. He hadn't told John about her feelings, but he certainly understood her reluctance better - not completely, since there were many pieces missing to what made John John, but he felt that he dug into something cold and festering. Besides, he positively bombed the mood of this meeting.

After some time he cleared his throat again and addressed the Fairest. "Looking around more carefully seems like a good idea. We also have to renew our Pledge." Maybe moving the conversation away from touchy stuff and towards clear goals would help. Maybe not.

[Cassandra Reeding]

Cassandra stops dead in her tracks when John speaks those last words. It wasn't the first time she'd heard that line from someone.She didn't have the entire context of the conversation, but she knew enough about John to know he was talking about Her and blaming himself for loving Her. His words were pure sorrow turned ice.

She turns to look at him and she could have said it. Told him to stop lying to himself. She wasn't his dream. It was a conditioned belief. And no matter how much power and control you think you might have had, there is no consent with Keepers, sexual or otherwise. There is no choice. There is no ability to say no without repercussions. And yet, you are still going to blame yourself. Say that you wanted it. Say it was everything. You chose it from the beginning, it's your fault. There were times you were in complete bliss, so therefore it's your fault. Cassandra knows every lyric and step to that song and dance.

When Gerrit speaks, the thoughts festering in her mind come to an abrupt halt. But it still leaves a bad taste in her mouth. Cassandra nods to Gerrit, but her eyes are still just distant. After a moment, she takes a good look at John and looks as if she wants to say something. Just a simple, we should to talk later. Or, you need someone to be candid with you. Or... or... Now isn't the time and place. It may never be the time and place. What can she say instead?

"People love and care about you, John. What ever dreams you may or may not allow yourself to have one day, you are part of others. Probably whether you like it or not." She gives a faint smile.

And then she doesn't give that much time to sit there in the open, "Do we want to go with the same wording we had last time?"

[James Turner]

John didn’t turn to look at either of them as they spoke. He knew he was creating tension, he could feel it in the air, feel their eyes on him. Feel their eyes with their concern, with their sympathy and it bristled against his skin. He knew this was what it was like for other people in group, they didn’t WANT your sympathy or your understanding because they were punishing themselves. They saw themselves as deserving their place in life and fought against your help. That’s you now asshole. Well you don’t have to be so vulgar about it.

He sighed, his hand fishing into his pockets and pulled out the case he’d gotten as a gift, no more crumpled pack for him now. He set his lighter on the edge and despite the case not being a pack he still tapped it against his palm twice before opening it and stuffing a cigarette between his lips and lighting it. Taking in the first, deep drag before blowing it out the open window.

He wasn’t a mind reader, didn’t know what was going on in their heads. He wished he were, it would make this so much easier. Instead all he could feel was the tension wafting off him to fill the room, he knew he was the source of it now that he’d turned a perfectly good evening sour. “Sorry.” He said in a soft, whisper before taking another drag. Hearing the words but not really, they hit the surface but didn’t penetrate deep. How could they, he knew he was a monster.

“Thank you for asking, thank you for caring. Even if it’s not easy.” The words were soft but there was something different about them as his voice sounded like it was miles away. Starring softly out the window, at the hedge and then through the hedge back to distant Arcadia. “I’m fine with the wording if there aren’t other suggestions.” He leaned into the windowsill letting the smoke drift off and up into the hedge sky.

[Gerrit]

Gerrit wondered how much of their confirmations really reached John at whatever headspace he had been finding himself. He regretted starting the conversation, and he needed to learn that he couldn't expect others to share the naive positive outlook the Ogre forced onto himself. He picked at the scabs on his hands while he waited for the awkwardness to pass, knowing full well that he might be waiting in vain.

"No new suggestions - if it's not broken there's no need to fix it." Which could also apply to people - so why did he dig at the mask John decided to show them, why did he have to delve? Gerrit looked at the dusty ground and sighed. At least they found a Hollow for the Winter Court.

Silver lining, etc cetera.

[Cassandra Reeding]

He takes out a cigarette and says sorry. She doesn't need to be able to read him to know that he's trying his best now to cope. Push it away. Shove it down so it doesn't have to bother others? Probably. Maybe he was about to pop. Be angry? No, that doesn't sound like him. He's just... drowning, right?

How did I feel back then? Perpetual regret. Drowning in it. I didn't want help. I didn't want friends. Is he going to push us away like I did everyone else back then? I needed a Blodwen, but I'm no Blodwen.

She lets out a slow breath, "You have nothing to be sorry for."

Cassandra stretches a little, still looking somewhat pensive before she takes a focusing breath. "Alrighty. Let's see if I remember this properly.

"For the next season I vow to honor the pact and alliance we've made this evening and will aid to the best of my ability with whatever means are at my disposal, up to and including making your enemies my enemies and assisting you with them but not if it comes to my own death or having to commit murder. For this Vow may our Harvests be full. If any of us fail to uphold this vow may we find success snatched from us, may our victory turn to loss."

She looks to the other two to repeat.

Type: Vow
Task: Medial Alliance (-2)
Boon: Medial Boon (+2 Harvest(Pledges)) (+2)
Sanction: Medial Curse (Only succeed on 9s and 10s) (-2)
Duration: Season (+2) Saber Sloth Same pledge as before. All look good before we throw it in the Pledges thread?

[Saber Sloth]

Looks good, cleared to put it in the Pledge Calendar