Cassandra lays on her couch, staring at the ceiling, her phone clutched in one hand over her stomach, her other above her head. Her breaths are steady and slow, considering what she is doing. She knows she needs advice, but advice is hard to come by when your closest friends are too close to the matter at hand.

What the hell am I supposed to do here? She knows exactly what she needs to do - talk to someone. That someone couldn't be John. Could be Gerrit, but not yet. Blodwen had been due a call, but it always feels like she's calling her to spill tea about her life. Then again, Blodwen lives for tea.

She picks up her phone and holds it up in front of her face, staring at it for a long moment before sitting up a little and typing in Blodwen's number. She pauses on the call button. Maybe it was all stupid and she's overthinking it. Maybe she doesn't need to talk about it. Her mind begins trying to justify reasons not to do it. Not to talk about it.

She groans and quickly clicks the call button before she can take it back. It's only a couple of rings before Blodwen picks up, but it feels like a lifetime waiting. "Cass? Hey! Where the hell have you been lately?"

It takes her a moment, but she eventually responds, "Just... you know, existing? The usual."

There is a long pause. "Okay, what is it?"

"What do you mean?" She already knows that Blodwen knows something is wrong, but this is the game they always play. Pretend nothing is wrong until Cass admits it.

"We've been sisters for years. I know when something's wrong. Spill it." Hearing her voice gives her a sense of comfort though. She missed having her around. Having their motley, running around, being a bunch of idiots. Well, Myke being an idiot. Cass was always getting him out of trouble.

"It's... Well... I really don't want it to be a thing-"

"Oh my god, it's a boy problem." Her voice is somehow both surprised and giddy, "God. I've been waiting for some good tea. You've been moping over you know who for way too long. I mean-"

"Bloooods." Cassandra says her name with a groan, "That's not fair. It's barely been a year since..." There is silence then.

"He left you Cass. How long is too long to let him keep you from being happy?" Her voice is gentle, soothing then.

"It feels like a void you know. A void that will never be filled. I don't think it matters how much time has passed, I think I'm permanently broken, Blods." Cassandra brings her knees up to her chest, holding herself a little. "And Eliza..."

"You know I can't tell you..." Blodwen's voice is barely a whisper.

Cassandra lets out a slow, shallow sigh, "I know. I... I dreamt of her a few weeks ago."

"The one with the pancakes?"

There is a shallow chuckle that escapes her lips, "No. The one where she sneaks up on me. I wasn't in it long enough to take her to the park. Or read to her before bed..." A tear slips from her eyes. She tries to be strong, but it's difficult.

"I wish I could hug you right now, because I know you need it." She was right of course. Cass would give anything for a tight hug right now, but all she can do is hug herself. "She's safe. You did the right thing."

"I know, but-" the tears just keep coming, "I don't know how to do it anymore."

"Do what?"

"Be alone. I haven't been alone since I got out. I had Triss and you, then Phillip and. I mean. I don't know how to be alone anymore."

There is a long pause, "I could come over if-"

"No. No, it's fine. I'll travel over soon, just..."

"You still haven't told me about this boy." Always back to the point. Blodwen never did let Cassandra escape from it.

She breathes in and out, considering how to even go about it. "I think I'm projecting my feelings for Phillip onto him. They have similar features and-"

"I didn't ask about your theories of your feelings. I asked about him." The way she says it is pointed and it makes Cassandra wince. Typical for a Spring. Then again, isn't a Spring just the right person to assess one's desires?

"He's... a giant ball of anxiety with a cool exterior, but good intention. He wants to keep us all safe, help people. He's so serious sometimes, but when he laughs, he just... laughs. There are times it is impossible to tell whether his smile is legitimate or not, but when it is genuine, there is no question about it. I think he sees through me. I can't hide in that guise of well, whatever you call that thing I do."

"Flirty McFlirt, Flirt? Or awkward Flirty McFlirt, Flirt?"

"Awkward... I start flirting with him and then I realize I'm doing it and try to stop immediately." She shakes her head, sighing again. It was a sighing kind of day.

"Ohhh. One of those. Have you considered just letting it play out?" The way she says it makes it sound so easy.

Cassandra pauses, "Let it play out?"

"Yeah. Just flirt and see if he responds to it. Stop when he says stop. It's amazing what happens when you actually give people a chance to decide whether they want to keep going or not." Again, as if it is so simple.

"But I don't want it to play out. I just want to be his friend and stop acting like this. There is no purpose to a relationship here. What will it get me? A moment's happiness before it all blows up in my face like it always has before?" There is pure hurt in her voice. "It's too early for any of that. I don't want it."

"Dear God, Cass. You are such a drama queen. Completely authentic and real about your feelings, but so dramatic." The Beast lets out a sigh of her own, clearly in that sisterly annoyed fashion. "You have had one whole relationship. You quite literally married the first man you ever kissed, slept with, fell in love with, everything. Now he is gone and you are whining about not wanting relationships and happiness. God, Cass. You are shutting down the whole operation before it has even begun because you are afraid of getting hurt. Guess what, Cass? You are going to get hurt. You are going to get rejected and loved and dumped and that's okay."

"But Blods-"

"How do you feel about him?" She never could get a word out when Blodwen was on a mission. There is a long silence and Blodwen asks again, "What does it feel like when you're around him?"

Finally, Cassandra says, "Warm. Between the two of us, frigid is an understatement. But, I feel warm. It isn't even really when we are interacting. It's just watching him exist with other people, watching the times when his anxiety seems to melt away and he just fits in. His laugh makes laughter bubble in me, his smile just... those moments are so rare, but when it happens I just feel something." She pauses and then starts again, "We danced at the masquerade this year."

"How did that go?"

"Dancing with him was like a dream. Touching him, being that close to him. My heart just felt like it was skipping. Then I got flirty and I just shut down. I saw what I looked like and I was just... embarrassed."

"Of course you were flirty! You were in his dang arms dancing, practically at his mercy. The romance! Caaaassss." Cassandra pulls away her phone from her ear for a moment while Blodwen groans her name loudly. "I bet you jetted too. Did you jet? Dear God Cass. I'd have dragged you back over. No. I'd have waited till afterwards and locked you in a damn car together."

"Blodwen. Come on. Can you really blame me?"

"Absolutely. You always self sabotage. Always. Urghh. Cass. What do you want?" Again, her words are pointed, clear. What did Cassandra want?

"I don't know."

"Cass. What. Do. You. Want?"

"I. Don't. Know." There is an annoyance bubbling in her.

"Cassandra. What do you want?"

"I want my fucking family back!" As soon as it leaves her lips, her body just shakes. "I want my child. I want my husband. I want my home. I want days at the park, watching him push her on the swing. I want bedtime stories where she makes us both read her a book. I want the life back that I worked so hard to put together. People like us don't get that kind of happiness. I don't want anything else and I'm never going to have that back."

"...Oh." It is as if for some strange reason, she thought it would be anything else.

"That dream woke something up in me and it all just hurts. I tried so hard to truly forget about her. We worked so hard to get rid of those memories, but the ones that remain... It doesn't matter now. I can't do anything about it. I can have these childish crushes and ridiculous daydreams, but no one is going to be able to give me that again. What is the point of pursuing something at this point when I know it will never be what I truly want?"

"Well, we can't always have our true heart's desires, but sometimes it is almost better that we find comfort in the closest thing. I know nothing I say that this point is going to change your mind, but Cass... I love you and I want you to be happy. If ignoring your feelings is making you unhappy, then that isn't going to change. The only way things will change is if you try a different way. Tell him, get rejected, and move on. I think it is the only way you'll get over this. I mean, you don't have to immediately, but you'll have to at some point. Especially if you are going to keep weirding him out by flirting and running away."

"I know." Cassandra doesn't let her voice crack, but tears have become slush upon her face.

"You know, at one point, I thought you could easily have been born of Spring, but you really are a child of the snow."

"You'd think my birthday was the solstice most of the time for a reason or something." What should have come out as a laugh just comes out as a slight whimper.

"I'm sorry, Cass."

"I know."