(Private)Early Morning Chat

[Aurora]

The Shaman is quiet, listening and letting Phoeynx say what she needs to. “Well, again, I don’t buy into dreams meaning anything. But I suppose it could mean a few things. Maybe you’re frustrated, or maybe you’re curious.” A shrug. “And it doesn’t make you anything, it’s a dream.” Shaking her head.

Wow. Talk about some pent-up energy. So again, she says nothing. Waiting until she was done.

A gentle smile, “Maybe you are simply curious about it. And there is nothing wrong with that. I believe everyone gets a little curious about it, some try it, and some simply don’t. Those who try it learn they either like both guys and girls, or learn they only like one or the other. But I don't recommend it with a co-worker, in case it doesn't work out. And you know what,” a pause, “it’s normal. Sure, it can be unnerving and freak you out, but it’s ok.” Shrugging. “But what would you lose by following your feelings? Or gain?” seemed a fair question to her.

“Or maybe your heart is still broken about Kaze and you’re looking to fill that void. Which is also ok.”

[Phoenyx]

The Arrow turns on a heel. "Dreams don't..." she swings her arms frustratedly. "I know that! .... Sort of..." She looks a lttle bashful and drops down onto the sofa next to Aurora.

"Is it?" she asks reluctantly. "I don't want people treating me any differently. And then whenever I saw her - Tyche - she looked so... nice. But there was more to her." There's a scowl. "Yeah... I learned that one the hard way. It hadn't been an issue, but I guess no-one wanted me as... a girlfriend before. And what the hell was she thinking, asking me out in front of everyone? Doesn't she see how inappropriate that would be? I feel like I'm teaching ettiquette to jaguar with her sometimes. And others she is an excellent Arrow. I just don't get it. And that's what's wrong with following feelings. They always go wrong. Feelings are dumb. Transitory. They don't think about the future or what's practical. And when you let them... you look... like... this..." Phoenyx scrunches up her eyes, fighting back tears.

She sniffs quietly.

"I do not..." the Obrimos snaps her mouth shut at her protesting. Partly because it would have been a lie. Partly because. "I... Sorry. I know you're trying to help. I.... don't want anyone to know how much that hurt.... This is all just getting a lot and I don't like it. I just... don't know what to do." She kicks off her shoes and curls her legs underneath, wrapping her arms around herself.

[Aurora]

Watching, “Why would people treat you differently?” that part she didn’t get. “Sounds like you started to get a crush on her, which is ok. You can have crushes or love whoever you want. And if someone did have an issue with it, then fuck them and what they think.” Easier for her say. “Well, I think she can be very blunt about things and should have asked in private. I don’t like people putting others on the spot. I don’t know how she is as an Arrow, never worked with her, so no comment on that. Why would it be inappropriate?” cause they shared an Order? Because that would be good to know if there was like, some rule against that she didn’t know.

“But if you don’t want her to ask you out, maybe you should setup some boundaries. Let her know what is and isn’t acceptable. Without those boundaries, people don’t know what is ok and what isn’t.” sounded simple to her. Chuckling, “I have to agree with you on that one. Feelings are dumb and overrated. I hate them and wish they would go away.” Completely true. “But they’re not bad. You’re just feeling overwhelmed and confused. And when you’ve spent years working on ignoring them and pushing them away, they can make you feel like you’re drowning when they come on strong. When they feel like that, it’s hard to understand them.” And developing feelings for another can hit you like a ton of bricks.

An eyebrow quirks at the snap but she just shrugs, “Then no one has to know. But if you haven’t dealt with it, it’s going to fester and hold you back. In an ideal world, we could turn off and not have to deal with emotions we don’t want to. But, this isn’t an ideal world.” Reaching behind her, she pulls a really soft blanket off the back of the couch and gently puts it around the Arrow. “Well, I can’t read the future anymore, so I can’t tell you what to do.” She jokes, “But I can help you anyway I can.” She just didn’t know how.

[Phoenyx]

"I... don't know. I just thought they would," Phoenyx admits quietly. "I suppose.... not inappropriate. It was just sudden. Exposing. Embaressing. And after Kaze..." she trails off. "I just wish I know why I started feeling this way about people."

She sighs expressively. "I thought I had done. But I suppose not. She's not like anyone I've ever met, and that makes it hard to know how to be in charge of her. Like Avis I kinda just let her roam free. I have no idea how to be First Talon. I was so proud when Alastor made me it but now..." She sighs. "I'm still not sure I know how, but I try to make it look like I do, every day."

The Arrow lets out something between a short laugh and a sob as the blanket is put around her. "I like that idea. Just turning them all off. Maybe Naga knows something." Maybe.

Then she does something unexpected. she suffles up to Aurors and gently puts her head on her friend's shoulder. "For someone that wishes her emotions would go away, you know way more about them than I do. It's why I come to you. You're my best friend. All I know is how to push them down and let them out in training. Punching things helps a lot."

Phoenyx looks up, not movign from the Thyrsus' shoulder. "Could you see the future? Back before you... changed?" Aurora didn't mention it often, but the Arrow sounded curious.

[Aurora]

Shaking her head, “Nope.” Sipping her coffee again. Oh, not inappropriate. That’s good to know, but not like it changed anything. “All valid feelings. She probably didn’t think it all the way through, and figured it was a good time and place to bring it up. But if you want her to stop, you might want to let her know you aren’t interested in her that way.” And be nice about it. “That’s harder to answer. It could be something you’ve always been curious about but never felt comfortable enough with yourself to explore it. Or maybe you’re still raw and hurt after Kaze and they looked at you the right way.” A shrug, “Hard to say.” She could make guesses all day. But it wouldn’t help.

“I don’t know if there is a right and wrong way to lead an Order. And Alastor made you First Talon because he saw something in you that you couldn’t. Leadership, a level head and someone truly dedicated to not only their Order, but keeping everyone safe. I think you just do your best, it’s really all you can do. But lets look at this, what did you admire about how Alastor fulfilled the position?” asks the Shaman.

Chuckling, “Well, if she does, let me know.” She didn’t think there was anything like that. But it was fun to think about.

The weight of the Arrows head on her shoulder causes her to stiffen a bit. She was never a touchy feely type person, and this was…weird. But her friend seemed to need it, so she doesn’t push her away.

“I’m older, so I’ve had more experience with them. Plus, life on the road leaves a lot of time for reading and self-reflecting.” Nodding, “Well, I know pushing them down doesn’t help. Because when they resurface, you end up in worse shape.” Looking at Phoenyx right now. Case in point.

Nodding, “To an extent, yes. Just like any Acanthus can. Perhaps if I studied it again, I might pick a few things back up. But, that’s the past and not worth living in.” it still hurt a bit to talk about. Hence why she never brought it up.

[Phoenyx]

Phoenyx listens, and sighs again. Everything she was saying made a kind oif sense. It was why she came to her.

She thinks for a moment. Then she says, slowly, "He was always in control. Knew what to do. No-one questioned that he was in charge. He could motivate others into action."

A smile, and a nod. Maybe some kind of feelings safe, walling them away. Mind was.... deep.

"Sure, people might say that, but where's the proof?" She lifts her head from the shoulder, looks teary-eyed at Aurora, and laughs. "I... I'm not sure I'm holding it together so well right now." It hurt to admit, but Aurora she trusted, so much.

"I know you don't like thinking sabout it. If you push it down, I'm sure it will be fine. Or... not." She shrugs. "I'm not used to questioning myself. How do people do it? Isn't it better just to be sure? know things?" She reaches out and sips her water.

[Aurora]

Drinking more coffee and nodding, “Ok. Now having worked with you, both when he was here and with him gone, I can tell you that you posses those same things. I’ve never seen someone question you, and you know what to do, I’ve never seen you falter. But I think you need to stop being so damn hard on yourself. Have faith that you will make the right call when it comes down to it. Do you question your abilities because Kaze left the Arrows?” it would make sense.

“The proof? You have yet to see me in crisis about my feelings.” She says with a smirk, her tone playful, not mean. “No, not really. But, you’re trying to deal with something you haven’t had to deal with before. It’s scary and overwhelming, so you’re allowed to breakdown. And don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone.” She reassures her grabbing a tissue from a box on the coffee table and handing it to her.

A slight shrug, “It’s just something that’s in the past, but still a big part of me.” She just tried to ignore it most of the time.

“That’s a good question.” One she wasn’t sure she had an answer to. “Well, we learn more about ourselves and the world around us with questions. There is no way to know everything. I don’t even think an arch mage of Time and Fate can know everything. To not question yourself is like stopping the basic challenge and becoming more concerned with fitting in than question things. Not a good place to be in. Asking ‘why’ and question yourself will help with growth as a person.” That sounded right.

“So what do you plan to do about your dreams?”

[Phoenyx]

"Hard on myself?" The Arrow asked quizzically. "I never thought I was. I just tried to keep the same standards I had when I was an apprentice. It does seem strange that so many people don't have that." Is it denial if you don't know any different?

The question makes her frown. "I... suppose in part. But not just him. Weavebreaker, Kaze, Living Stone. All Arrows. all come and gone, with me supposed to keep some sort of order. I just keep thinking I must be doing something wrong. I know I have my abilities. I know what I can do. But that isnt the same as keeping the Arrows running. I should be doing more to make them coherent, which is hard if they keep leaving." At least Skye seemed reasonably stable, she mused to herself.

"I'm not breaking down. I just... have something in my eye..." Phoenyx protests feebly, taking one of the tissues. "It's good you wouldn't. I wouldn't like to have to punch you." It was said like a joke, but delivered so drily it was hard to tell. She barely shifted her tone.

The Obrimos shifts, putting her legs underneath herself and pulling the fluffy blanket a little tighter. It felt nice. You should say that.

"I was always taught challenges are how we grow. It's why I wanted to beat this... feeling. Whatever it is..." she sighed a litle. "Um. I like your blanket. It's comfy." The compliment sounded stiff, nomatter how sincere she tried to be. Then again she wasn't used to delivering them.

Phoenyx squirmed a little at so direct a question. "I don't know. Until I figure that out, probably nothing. Wait and see if it happens again. Or maybe we should go out for cocktails again. That was fun. Though the next morning was not fun. Did... did I ever thank you for getting me home?"

[Aurora]

A shrug, “That’s not a bad thing, but you’re not an apprentice anymore. You’re your own person who can set her own standards, not what someone else thinks they should be. I have standards that I hold myself to, but not what my mentor had. They’re ones I set as I grow and learn. But, we’re all different.” She just refused to be held to what her mentor thought was right and just.

“You are charged with keeping order and whatever else First Talon does.” Cause she had no clue. “But you are not responsible for making people want to stay in Sacramento. That’s free will and something you cannot control. Each have their own personal reasons for why they move on. Some feel compelled to keep moving from city to city. To see and experience as much as they can. And that’s not on leadership, that’s on them. And you do what you’re supposed to do, welcome them, and make sure your Orders philosophies are protected and enforced. Beyond that is out of your control, and it’s ok to not always be in control.” In fact, no one could always be in control.

Eyes roll, “Yeah, sure, something in your eye.” She says with sarcasm. Laughing, “That is always a possibility,” she begins, “if you were able to move.” Her tone airy with a shrug.

“I don’t think it’s so much about beat it as it is about understanding it. If you understand it, you can deal with it in a healthier way. Which will help with experiencing them in the future.” Least she thought that was how it worked. “Oh thanks! You can have it if you want. I have way too many blankets.” One of those things where you buy it because it was soft.

Nodding, “Probably a good idea. Personally, I’ve found blindly acting on feelings without really thinking it through doesn’t end up good. Well, not all that time. Sometimes it does, not often though. And maybe that’s why I’ve become so careful myself.” Maybe. Sounded good. “And I’m always up for going out for cocktails! Just remember that drinking will make you more likely to act on those feelings.” laughing, “Aw. Used to hate the morning after drinking.” Now? Not really an issue. “And yes, you did thank me. Us girls gotta look out for each other.”

[Phoenyx]

The brow furrows again - Phoenyx wasn't following. "I know I'm not. I just keep the levels that were set of my to keep a high standard. Isn't that a good thing? How to we strive if we don't strive for high targets?"

She sighs and frowns. "I.... suppose. I'd feel better if I could control it. That might make it easier."

The sarcasm has the Arrow trying to scowl and not laugh at the same time. "I can move any time I like."

"I learned understanding something was like controlling it. Which is just beating it, really." A shrug, then her eyes go wide. "Oh... no. I couldn't. It's yours! Um..." she looks a little bashful again.

The Arrow nods. "I understand being careful. I do that a lot." Another frown. "Well... If I don't know what they are, I can;t act on them, right? So that solves that problem." Not how that works, firebirb. Still, Aurora's words make the Arrow smile. "Yes. I like that idea. I know you'll look out for me. I want to look out for you too."