Friendship Park

[JC Smith]

JC a couple pings of sadness, and… exasperation? But nothing that wasn’t willing to be set aside. It sounded very dissociative. Or at least part did. The part about holding on for as long as possible and being a good echo seemed almost paradoxical. Although, disagreements within oneself was for more common than people admitted or even considered.

“So, what’s the reason,” he asked carefully. “Not the ‘there is no reason’” A lot of people went straight to that if he didn’t stop them. “Or the logic.” That led too close to talk that could be a Breach. He paused considering.

“Maybe it would be better to phrase it another way. What would happen if you didn’t do your job? Didn’t work to be a faithful echo? Allowed yourself to think you might be more?”
He tried to keep his his voice even and non-confrontational, though he knew he might be seen as such any way. Parts didn't always liked being questioned about motivation. Occasionally it brought up other mechanisms to not have to think about it. JC probably should have been a bit more careful but since embrace his training didn't kick in as easily as it had before.

[Dirt Nap]

Dirt Nap chuckles. "I gave you the short version, J.C.. The thing is, a man needs goals. That's mine. I happen to like the original, honor his memory, you could say. It's a lot to live up to, in my opinion. I don't feel limited at all by trying to live up to being the best echo I can for as long as I can. Mind you, I don't mean acting like a storybook ghost, going around not knowing it's dead. I am not trying to live his life, walking in the same tracks on the same trail. No, my aim is to walk the trail in front of me as best I can do it by the standards of the man who lived in this shell of mine before I moved in." Dirt Nap says.

"Anyways, enough about me for now. I gotta ask, what's your aim, J.C.? Or are you aimless? Or would you rather not say?" Dirt Nap asks in an amiable tone.

[JC Smith]

“That makes sense,” he acknowledged and nodded in understanding. Dirt nap didn’t want to feel rudderless. Dying and coming back had crashed his own life, made previous goals unattainable, and left him (even now) unsure where to go from there. Protecting against feeling dishonorable also made sense. Waking up to suddenly having to regularly drain blood and hurt people (or animals) to survive was a big value shift and not something ‘you’ would do. Especially in life. JC suspected there was much more to Dirt Nap’s thought process but did his best not to look too far past what had been said.

The conversation turned, probably more than a little deliberately, towards his own story.

“I don’t mind,” he responded to the question if he’d rather not “I try not to look forward too much at this point. The future tends to get too big too fast when I do. Most of the time I just aim to live through the week... or the night,” he said with a sigh “Sometimes aim even smaller than that.” Small steps to keep from being overwhelmed by the idea of eternity.

[Dirt Nap]

Dirt Nap nods slightly when J.C. says he doesn't mind sharing his own goals and motives. Then Dirt Nap listens with obvious intensity, taking looks at J.C.'s face as he speaks as if to learn how his face acts with what he says.

They walk in silence for a while after J.C. finishes speaking.

Then Dirt Nap comments, casually, "Survival for the week, or the night isn't a bad goal." He says. "Practical."

After another long moment, "For me, it brings up questions though. 'Is just keeping upright the most important thing? Is it all a body needs to keep going?" He asks, perhaps rhetorically.

"It seemed to me after a while, that most of our kind that stopped being upright, got tired of it before they stopped. Maybe they put an end to themself outright, or maybe they just got a little slow to do what they had to do, because they weren't for sure and for certain anymore they preferred it to the alternative." Dirt Nap observes.

"Seems to me, after a while, the question comes to a mind, 'what if it's not so much, 'what do I got to do to live', but 'what can stand to do over and over and over and still live with myself after'?"

[JC Smith]

“I’m not a death seeker or suicide risk,” he reassured Dirt Nap with what seemed to be a fair amount of humor judging by his dismissive smile. Aside from that he wasn’t exactly sure how to respond to Dirt Nap’s comments and so followed suit by pausing a while before speaking again.

“If my goal were to live forever,” speaking nonhypothetically of course “That entails a lot of things. It means getting financially stable, it means investing, funding medical research into immortality, it means making contingencies, it means learning languages, making escape plans, finding out how to defend myself against a hundred different things.” He could go on but he didn’t. “And if that were my goal, I wouldn’t be able to complete it in a night or a week. I would be constantly falling short and never perceivable getting closer to actually meeting my goal.

“That’s not something I can do,” he admitted “I can’t focus on the big picture.” And the Beast didn’t help. “It’s too much.

He paused again.

"I would say keeping upright might not be the MOST important thing but it is generally necessary for what I think is. Fulfillment. And while I might not be fulfilled by just surviving, there won’t be a chance for it if I don’t keep doing it.”

[Dirt Nap]

Dirt Nap nods. "Everyone is different." He says in a tone like he's agreeing with something J.C. said.

"There's a lot of philosophy about whether there's a real difference between men and horses, animals I mean." Dirt Nap comments after a while.

"I can only speak for myself, but I tend to need a reason more than just the animal instinct to want to keep living. Of course, even I can put that off by just not thinking too far ahead." He says, nodding again. "For a while."

"I heard a soldier once, a real good one, say he was good at his job because he wasn't thinking so much about how to live through doing it all the time, but he wasn't wanting to die either. He said for him it was his kids. He didn't mind dying to get the job done, exactly, but he also didn't want his kids to be orphans. Other solders...some couldn't stop thinking about the danger, about how bad they wanted not to die...and it kilt them; made them freeze up at the inappropriate times, while others didn't care a whit about living and sure enough go themselves killed, went out in a blaze of glory, often short of their mission objective." Dirt Nap muses in a tone like he thinks that's a less than satisfactory outcome.

"I tend to think having some purpose, not necessarily a noble one either, is as important to survival as food or water for a man."

He looks directly at J.C. for a number of strides, staring.

Then he looks ahead at where he's going, and says casually, "You seem to have come a ways, far enough; I tend to suspect you have a purpose in mind, whether you feel it's a good idea to share it with a stranger or not. Maybe whether even you know it or not." Dirt Nap says softly.

"But what do I know?"

[JC Smith]

“Humans are animals… We are animals,” he said, very quietly “We… they… don’t like to think about it, but we are. It’s undoubtedly different how a horse feel versus us. Yet, we both.. feel.” He really ought to learn to speak with the to confirm, but he’d already said why the distant future was not something he could concentrate on for very long.

“That soldier have a name?” asked JC with a slight melancholy to his smile “Don’t feel like you have to answer,” he added. JC suspected already.

The Gangrel fell silent for a long time. Vulnerability was weakness. It exposed you. And in his new life it could get you killed. What did he know of this man. Silent or not, the Beast agreed with the part of him that feared death. Yet what was life without risk.

“Depression and anxiety are difficult to manage,” he finally conceded “Purpose… isn’t always enough. It’s the small victories that get you through it, whether purposeful or not. Maybe your right; I just haven’t recognized it but for right now I’m satisfied to make it from day to day.”

There was another long pause with the far away sound of traffic trying to fill the void.

“But what do you know,” he stated, barely a question yet said with much curiosity. He turned to search CJ’s face, as if for answers “Why do you that? And not the ‘no reason’ answer." His fellow had done it several times now. “You tear yourself down. Call yourself into question. It’s a different part than the one to keep you from being rudderless or dishonorable. Why do you ask others to question you?” JC set aside the pity for compassion. For curiosity. He wanted to know. Yet wanted to allow space for Clay to say own his own "You don't have to answer."

[Dirt Nap]

Dirt Nap chuckles. "Well. It wasn't me." Dirt Nap says when C.J. asks about the soldier he mentioned. "I never served in the armed forces. Just grew up in the south, and met a few who did. Maybe I listened to what they had to say more than some, but I was never one of them."

Unlike before, with other questions, he doesn't hesitate when C.J. asks him why he doesn't talk with more certainty, why he invites people to disregard or question his opinions. "Because I'm more scared of what's in me than what's outside of me, C.J." He says.

"It doesn't worry me a bit that I might not convince you or get you to trust me or respect me by my not taking my own ideas as serious like they come directly from God Himself." Dirt Nap says, "But I do have a real concern, C.J. of the thing inside me that colors my thinking red and tends to slip in the idea that I should take out a threat when its back is turned or put down a weakling that has no business not treating me like a god, slips those ideas in in every chance it gets."

Dirt Nap walks along silently for a distance and then says, "I don't mind that I am not going to live forever, C.J. I'm just powerfully in favor of being myself when the time comes, not a puppet, or just an animal, at least the way I see it, less than a man. So you go right ahead and disagree with me, and I won't take offense at all, cause taking offense is like lighting a fire inside my own house, and I'm not done living in it yet."

[JC Smith]

Not Sure if you messed up with the JC vs CJ dialog. I’ll keep reaction to that to a minim till you clarify.

JC wasn’t sure he believed Dirt Nap. At least as far as the part that disassociated with the soldier. In truth, the disbelief was fine being acknowledged before moving on. It was about was inside vs what was outside that was the real interest.

“It might surprise you that I’m not interested in being convinced or trusted or respected; though that doesn’t factor out of things.” Especially on so fast a conversation as this. Impartiality took time. And he had to admit CJ had an advantage over him with the Obfuscation of the Beast. “It takes effort but I try.”

JC stopped midstep, measuring his Gangrel brother, at the mention of things coloring vision. “Parts of ourselves cannot be negotiated with.” He stepped to the side of the path, watching Dirt Nap walk a short way and say more.

“We…are… ourselves. Intrusive thoughts and all,” the former therapist examined Dirt Nap. Beyond normal human senses. Those wouldn’t do. The undead had different tells other than breath and muscle. The Beast sang that JC should look at the man as prey and he tried his best to ignore it. As he was sure Clay was trying to ignore the part that wanted to kill him.

“I’m… going to say some things you might disagree with,” he said “You aren’t in favor of being 'yourself.' Your core-self…is protected by those parts that encourage having a goal or honoring your past self.” Here you go again, prodding where you’re unwanted. this was why you had to flee before. "If you work to acknowledge those parts; work past the; you can be more."

Part of JC told him to shut up. Screw vulnerability. Truth. Happiness. For now pushed pass them all, in the hope to connect with at least one person.

[JC Smith]

Activating Resilience and additional book keeping for not being recognized yet (as best I can figure)
-3Barrens-1Feeding glimpse-Resilience