Requiem for Lost Dreams

[Yamiyo Lillich]

Waiting patiently as her knight laid there, not knowing what to do other than to just be there for now at least, letting her take her time to cry and to find herself.

Saying the name over and over again in her mind so that she could remember it, it wasn't the most common of names so she wanted to make sure to not get it wrong neither the name nor the pronunciation of it.

A fury ignited in her eyes at the words, anger seeming through her. She couldn't fully take in the meaning of the words or rather she didn't fully comprehend exactly what she meant due to lacking to much information and being to unprepared.
"I do not need to touch you if you do not so desire ohh my fair knight." Her words spoken slowly and with a bit of anger in them "however don't you dare call me a liar, I am a lot of things in this world and few of them good but I am not a freaking liar especially not around other Lost." Taking a deep breath to calm herself, her voice going back to a more neutral state. "Unless you understand what truly happened what attracted me to you then don't you dare to try and talk of it, I might have fooled myself but there is only one thing that I truly desire. Now who truly can show me that is another story since few can and trust me it was not the act of the knight that made me care, however I am not leaving until I know that you're safe."

Yes she really might have fooled herself however if there was a chance to find the one thing she did look for so would she do her best to find it if not so would she never abandon someone that were so broken down, sad and in such pain that was just not in her nature to do so. The call of being a liar still echoing in her mind, she knew the words came from experience, fears and insecurities but they were still hard to swallow. If only the wasp even knew what her words actually meant in her mind and what the one thing she actually desired were so would the words perhaps be different but she couldn't let it get to her know, she had chose to call her darkness then she would live up to that side and walk with it in order to handle it perhaps one day someone would realize the beauty instead.

Wetting the cloth, pressing out the excess water and softly wiping the face of her knight.

"Being thrown away, to have no one that cares about you, to be all alone and feel how no one cares what happens to you that is sad and feelings I am far to familiar with and one that I wouldn't wish upon anyone. However both John and I are here right now cause we care about you. Whatever you believe, whatever you think we helped you in here, sat with you and are still here of our own free will cause we care."

[James Turner]

John looked up from the side of the bed, his body not needing to move so it didn’t. He didn’t talk with his hands, his body language was equally rigid but he gazed up from Coco to look at Yamiyo.

“I told you I would put differences aside but Coco here has clearly expressed her wishes not once but twice of not being touched and yet you persist. If you can’t help yourself I’m going to have to ask you to leave, now if you wish to remain here and truly wish to help you can grab the chair from under the desk and sit at the foot of the bed so you aren’t tempted. Am I clear?”

His voice was calm, cold, detached, but that wasn’t unusual but those eyes she found so enchanting starred at her unblinking his face not moving from her.

“We are all liars. I’ve had this discussion once before but I left out one important detail. We are all masters of self-delusion, we must be, it’s how we survive. How we process the trauma of what has been done to us, we all escape into what we find comforting. Fear, Sorrow, Desire, Rage. We fall into these patterns not only because they keep us safe, but because they comfort us like a child’s blanket.

“This is not a story book Yamiyo, perhaps on another night we should discuss this but this right now this is about Coco here.”

He cleared his throat and those eyes shifted back to Coco, his body remaining entirely still besides the small movement of his neck to adjust his gaze, a small frown at his lips. Her story was familiar, how many of their stories were like that? Those unrecognized and unnoticed falling prey to the attentions of higher beings. It was intoxicating, who could deny the allure. Though he never made a deal, he’d never been given a choice.

But you were given a choice, you see how other people feel and yet you chose to overlook me. You chose to blind yourself and thus bind yourself to me.

“If it is alright with you, I’ll keep calling you Coco since that seems to be your wish. Please correct me if I’m mistaken but you feel lost, abandoned, everyone has let you down and left you behind? You feel perhaps like you don’t matter, like no one can see your pain? So you act out, try and draw attention to it. I want you to know that I can see your pain and I’m here to listen should you ever need it.

“Not to sound like a cliché but you are worthy of love, of being noticed, but first you have to believe that you are. You might not right now but you’ll get there, it just might not be easy.”

[Coco]

The wet cloth wiping over her face wasn't having the intended effect. She felt like a cat that didn't want to be petted, except it was already taking all of her energy just to lie there, to listen, and to talk, and the thought of even weakly batting the Succubus' hand away seemed about as attractive as trying to run a marathon, so she just lay there, fuming, and enduring it. She was no Olympian. No athlete. No warrior. Just an invalid, helpless in her own body, in her own life. A dark shadow crossed her mind, and Coco began to wonder, as that slimy cloth was trailed over her face, if she hadn't just invited the fae incarnation of Annie Wilkes into her life. Was the cost of her relapse going to be playing Scheherazade for one so obsessed with romance?

"John. John. You're going to stay, right? Or bring me somewhere else?"

There was definitely a note of fear in her voice. Subtle, but there. She'd never felt more vulnerable in her life, and somehow, that fear, that was what ignited that urge inside her, that was the misfiring pistol pressed up against her skull. Maybe it was because, despite her protests, the presence of those two, and the pampering that she didn't want, were finally giving her something that she needed. Or maybe it was simply realizing how far she'd fallen, and how susceptible she was to becoming nothing but a victim again, and this time, she'd never come back. The will she'd had, the will that had helped see her through all those nightmares her mind could scarcely comprehend, was gone.

Though, even beneath the now palpable fear, and the self-pity, and the anger, Coco was starting to also recognized something of what was broken in those two, recognized a shadow of their pain. Clearly, Yamiyo was starved for love, just as she was, and though that likely made them the absolute worst company for the other, she didn't truly wish to cause more pain. And as for John, well, clearly he was so obsessed with trauma that the only way he had to cope with it was to engulf himself in the agony of others.

"I -- we don't even know each other," Coco finally added, fumbling not just for words, but for the ideas themselves as her pulse began to pick up and the throbbing in her head grew worse.

"Who even are you people? I mean, I obviously remember meeting you in the Pool Hall, but I was relapsing, and I don't even know how many days ago that was, or what I did, or what happened to my cane, and I just...wanna know who you are."

[Yamiyo Lillich]

John's words fell on deaf ears for now. What did make her react where the small movements in the wasps face, her feeling of displeasure, she hadn't intended that as a touch and been careful to not do it with her own skin. She had wanted to help clear the tears away and help her to see better, feel better and like someone cared.
Caring however was something she wasn't familiar with, no one had cared for her at any point in time, people had always seen her as something to use and discard. She was both young and unaccustomed to this kind of situation, this was not an area that she could shine in.

Only raising her eyes to watch John for a second, her body just as still as his, quickly looking down on Coco again.
"I am sorry, I did not think the cloth would be of such discomfort as well, if my presence gets to be something you do not desire here so will I leave at any time you so wishes it."
Looking up at John again.
"However I would not be able to hear anything from that position so I will not move down there."

Smiling and looking at her knight.
"I am Yamiyo Lillich, a new arrival in this city and I am just as lost and trying to find my place within this city and this life as a lot of other people. You gave your cane to a friend of ours then dragged me with you wanting to go to another party, luckily I managed to make you tell me where your home was and help guide you here. Then you collapsed some hours ago and John here was kind enough to help carry you inside, I fear that if I would have bruised your fair body far to much if I would have done it alone. I did run to a open little store nearby and gathered all the things I could imagine being of help"i
Pointing towards a pile of various bottles of water, basic medicine, cloths, various types of food/candy in various types such as salted, spicy, licorice, sweet, bitter, sour, gum, chocolate both with and without peanuts, energy bars and lastly a trail mix. She had clearly not known what would be needed and just grabbed a plethora of things as just in case things.

She didn't know what else to say but it was clear that they both had misread her far to much, people always just saw the surface but they never understood the meaning or depth behind it. Then again why would they, most people were caught in themselves, caught in the surface, they didn't care to get their minds into other people and see what was really there.
Why would people look deeper than the surface, I am the master of surface lies. I can't even show the truth should I so desire, my entire existence is nothing but an appeasing illusion to anyone and everyone that perceives me. You truly won there keeper, even escaped so can I never be sure if I will find what I really desire damn that was one clever trick.

[James Turner]

“Side should be fine, just stay out of reach so as to not tempt yourself would be my advice. I know you’re only doing what you know, you likely don’t mean any harm by it but it’s not what is needed right now.

“I think a couple aspirin would help, maybe?”

He shrugged, shoulders staying raised for a second before slowly returning to their relaxed position. He had heard the fear there, understood the intent looking at Coco and giving the oh-so slightest of nods before taking a breath.

“Yes, of course Coco. What do you want to know about me beyond the cursory? I go by John, I belong to the Winter Court. I work with substance abuse programs which is how I knew what was happening when we’d first met and why I was concerned. Do not take concern for pity though, pity isn’t something you’re looking for if I’m not mistaken.

“I was always distant, an outsider looking at the world through painted glass watching people go about their daily lives and wondering what was wrong with me. Why I could understand their feelings but had trouble with any of my own. Now here we are, all of us just picking up the pieces of our broken lives. Some of us try and reassemble them to be what they were, some of us using it for rose coloring, and some of us trying not to get cut on the edges.

“I’ll answer any further questions you have if you answer mine. How are you feeling now?”

One question was it for now, there were more to follow but it would take time. He’d need to work on a plan for when she felt this way again, at the base he’d be there to help but she needed to find that strength to recognize and move past it on her own. The strength was there, she had it, she was stronger than she perhaps gave herself credit for. It was all just a matter of connecting it, bringing it into the whole.

[Coco]

"I feel like my body decided to give out," Coco groused, feebly trying to push herself into a sitting position, but failing to make even an inch of progress. She gave a soft grunt and collapsed back onto the bed.

"Can someone help me sit up, please?" she asked next, the frustration mixing with that subtle terror of helplessness and the lingering pain throbbing through her entire body. It was worse than any ache she'd felt before, worse than the aftermath of any workout, or sprain, or bruise, because it was all of her, every last inch, and it didn't even matter what happened to her cane. She couldn't even stand with it, let alone rely on the blade hidden inside.

Thorns, but what the hell had she done to her body? What had she done to her brain?

"I'll take the aspirin, though. And some water. My throat feels like I've been eating sand."

She waited for them to help her, her irritation over being touched fading beneath the simple fact that she needed the help, and the slowly dawning realization of how lucky she'd been to have anyone there to help her in the first place. She easily could have been still lying out there on the pavement, or taken by one of the Others, for all she knew, and while she still wasn't convinced she'd been slobbering on Fae-nnie Wilkes in her drugged out state, she had to admit that she should be grateful for Yamiyo and John. Even if they disappeared in the next moment, at least they were here now.

"So is that what you both want to do here in the freehold? Try and be the mental health counselor," she said, looking to John, "and find a girlfriend?"

The last was said to Yamiyo, of course.

"Am I the first patient? And the first fish?"

[Yamiyo Lillich]

Rolling her eyes at his response, she might not be an expert in this field but she could at least read faces and reactions to see when she errored and she did have self restraint if she didn't things would have been very different very quickly at a lot of places she had gone to.

Looking the beaten down knight over, before turning her looks to John.
"You stable your side and I stable her on this side or do you want to lift her up yourself? The less focused strain and effect on any single part of her body might be for the best hence slight aid from both sides might cause the least amount of pain or what do you say?"

Standing up, walking over to get a bottle of water, opening it and standing it down on the nightstand whilst opening the bottle of aspirin taking out two of them and placing them in her left hand, waiting until they have managed to get her up before gently handing over first the aspirin and then the water to Coco with a kind smile.

A light laugh at her comment of her desires, ohh that just sounded to funny.
"I do admit that I want a girlfriend but what I truly desire is just a life, to find somewhere I belong. To have friends, people to care for and people that actually care about me as well. I am tired of having an empty existence I want meaning, purpose, to matter and to be someone that actually is good for people in some way not just fleet around partying and indulging my own desires with no real goal or aim." That was only part of the truth but it was enough for now, should she tell the entire story so would it just sound even sadder and more pathetic than it already did and that were things she could share with someone she had a bit more trust in.

Her eyes not sure how to read the word fish it could mean to much, there was the slur, the acronym or just the meaning of a try not sure how to reply instead choosing just to smile whilst being ready to take the water bottle if it should prove hard for her to hold it herself.

[James Turner]

John starred at Yamiyo, not daggers that would require malice, his expression was blank but looking at her letting her know her expression had been read and noted. He’d made a promise not to argue and so he let it drop. She clearly had her own issues and she could choose to tackle them or go the way most of their people did…mad.

He quirked a brow, about to say his help wasn’t needed but remembered how wispy and frail the other Fairest was. He wasn’t an ogre but he’s what they had at the moment, a nod of his head and he pushed off the ground standing up letting Coco dip an arm over his shoulder as he pushed up and back so she could sit up against the head of the bed.He didn’t sit again he remained motionless in the little nook next to the bed. No shake of his head, just remained stationary, hands clasped and folded in front of him as he stood like a statue there.

“What I want to do is live a normal life and die of a ripe old age. That is not in the cards, so I seek to care for the safety and security of the place that is my home even if that home is temporary. I will help those who need it how I can, because I see things others do not. No one should have to suffer quietly or alone. What is it that you want?”

Question for a question, that had been the arrangement after all.

[Coco]

What did she want? What was her purpose, like Yamiyo had mentioned?

It was too difficult to answer, because there were too many answers to give. She'd wanted to find perfection in herself, to push beyond her limits and achieve something that few ever dreamed of. She'd wanted to be a role model, an idol, a symbol of something more. She'd wanted to be loved, by family, by friends, by a partner. She'd wanted to make an impact, to be the hero that changed someone's life for the better. She'd wanted to matter.

But where had that gotten her? An empty apartment and a terrarium full of dead fish. Memories that dug into her like barbed wire, and regrets that cut like the blade of a razor.

Loneliness.

Emptiness.

Wouldn't it just be better if she died?

The stubborn beating of her heart refused to accept such an answer, even after all that it had been through, and so Coco accepted the waterbottle with great strain, eventually settling for half-resting it atop her chest. Not that there was much to rest it on, but it helped, as did the knowledge that the aspirin was now in her stomach and on its way to relieving the aches throbbing through her.

But, no matter how hard she tried to think, no matter soothing the small slurps of water felt sliding down her throat, no matter how long she stalled, no answer came.

"I don't know," she said finally, her eyes drifting down to the foot of that squeaky, cheap motel bed.

"I feel like everything I used to want was just a delusion. Like I missed the flame for the shadow, like I was fooling myself, but now that's all been stripped away and I don't know what's left. Except for the bad things. The things I can't make up, things that not all the perfumes in Arabia could sweeten."

Her eyes lifted to John first.

"I used to want the security and safety for my home, too, you know. I was so desperate for it that I let it carry me past the point of no return. I was with other members of the Freehold. Another Spring, a Summer. We were searching for someone that had been Taken, someone that we could still save, but there was a security guard in the way. A rent-a-cop. A fat man who probably still lived with his mother, a person who probably spent most of his time dreaming of something besides the wallows of his life. And we preyed on that as much as we could, and he went from the ecstasy of hope to the torment of his body breaking in practically the same breath. Have you ever looked into someone's eyes as you watched their last hope die? To know that you're the cause? I don't...I don't know how to come back from that.

How could you come back from that?" she asked then, turning back to Yamiyo. "How could you care about someone like that?"

[Yamiyo Lillich]

Wow the words coming from Johns mouth made her think for a while she did have some things she was wondering about but she wasn't sure if his expertise could help there or not nor if she could trust him enough to ask things that would reveal parts of her truth that was a hard thing to decide she would have to think about that for a while anyways now was not the time.

Watching Coco drink the water, being ready to take the water bottle should balancing it be to much for her, smiling as she accepted it, drank the water and took the aspirin. A small thought if mixing aspirin with her current things in her system could be dangerous? They weren't the best to mix with alcohol, she would have to keep her eyes open to see if anything would happen but hopefully no harm would come from it.

Her focusing on Coco's lips most of the time, that was her standard when she talked to people something she did unconsciously and had done ever since she was a child. It made it easier to figure out what people said and was her way of focusing on things.
Her eyes not even flinching to the words, just slowly taking them all in, her body remaining motionless except for very light breaths she was still as a statue not that she needed to it was rather just her subconsciously imitating John.

"Well I do not know if you wan't me to truly answer but I will, stop me if you like. First of I do not believe there is a point of no return, it was a horrible deed true however one can always come back, one can always repent if one learns from ones mistakes. We cannot change the past but we can strive to be better tomorrow than we were today. You still remember it and talks of it so somewhere inside of you there is regret, an ill feeling and a negative emotion connected inside of you to what you did that proves you're not an awful person. Besides you did it to help someone to not endure the hell we walked through, I assume you meant taken for the gentry even if not any form of kidnapping is a hell no one deserves so you got pushed to do evil to prevent evil. It is a hard choice to make and no matter the choice there will be regret and bad feelings for it. I see nothing there to judge you for, it is sad that you were put in a position like that to begin with. May the stars prevent you from ever finding yourself in a position like that again."

Her hands unmoving as she had spoken, small shakes could clearly be seen in them for anyone that looked though she hated not signing her words when she could but any ease of burden she could offer right now felt right to give and to not force Coco's eyes to try and follow hands throwing out things she probably could not follow or understand when she was at her peak only felt evil in this situation. Still she really didn't judge her for it, there was nothing there that changed her view besides she had seen far worse than that before she had not used kids for her own gain in any way nor hurt them so nothing to judge. True she had low standards in this regard which came from her upbringing sadly you are shaped by your experiences far to much.

"So you feel like you have nothing left, to me that sounds like the perfect time to stop and think what you really want in life, what you truly desire and then work to achieve it. You have hit a bottom now it is time to start to rebuild yourself to find your happiness in life. I am willing to be there for you on your journey if you need someone and offer whatever little help I can even if it is quite limited and from the words of John here I do think he is willing to be of aid as well and he most likely has far more experience in this field than me."

Internally laughing at herself yeah this wasn't a party question or a wonder of how to pick someone clean without them even realizing that they had lost anything, damn the mere thought of it made her hands itch but she had promised to not use those skills lightly and as such she would not even if she did miss the excitement it brought.
An idea rising in her mind, she had a new plan she would need to look into not truly knowing if it would work out or not but it could be fun.

Still remaining constantly ready should anything happen, softly speaking.
"Would you like to try and eat something? Some chocolate or trail mix? I might have an apple in my purse as well that I could chop up if you like?"