Shade of the Morning Sun

[Star]

"Don--"

The Angel's features twisted into a grimace.

"Oh, man. You did it. You had to do it. Dang. Okay, hang on." With a sigh, he stood. And danced. Just a few steps, a little elbow waving action. "what is love, baby don't hurt me, don't hurt me, no mo... oh, I don't know, what can I do what else can I say, it's up to you, I know we're one, just me and you I can't go on what is love baby don't hurt me don't hurt me no more..."

And sat back down.

"Sorry, I'll have Haddaway in my head all day if I don't dance it out right away. Okay. Whew. Let's see. Deep stuff here, I guess? Do you talk to anyone else about this kind of stuff?"

It's a rhetorical question. The hand quiver probably answered that. Stop playing with your hair, girl. Tells are bad. You want the Truth? Maybe her questions was rhetorical, too.

"Love? It's that thing you fear deep down inside -- that you're incapable of feeling. Or that you'll never experience because even if someone does really believe that they love you, you know you've never shown them that actual, real you." Liars Know. "It's vulnerability, loss of control. It's an innocence you haven't touched since that amazing moment you told your first Lie and realized it was believed."

But didn't she already know these things?

"I think, I believe," the Angel continued, softer. "That it's the difference. That it will be a reason to do the right thing for the right reason. That it will give context in confusion, and be an anchor in a storm. And I don't just mean One True Love. Maybe it's a love of nature, or inspiring someone create art, or, whatever."

Because without sacrifice, love is simply passion.

"I also think...," he paused. Eyes moved towards light shattering into lances off of the bridge. Gold, like her hair. "That maybe the dreams showed us what we're capable of? For better or worse."

Thin shoulders shrugged.

"And I asked that because it seemed like the most interesting question. Was there a better one?"

[Varyx]

Well. That was certainly one way to break the tension.

Varyx watched, some combination of disbelief, delight and amusement on her face as Star did his strange little song and dance, as if it were a compulsion, something he had to do. And knowing him, it was.

She had to admit, though, it made it a tiny little bit harder to take him seriously when he dove right back into the depth of their conversation as if nothing strange had occurred. It was a feeling that cleared, quickly, when he began to talk about how she'd never felt love because she'd never shown anyone her real true self. Because it wasn't love when they were in love with the image she was projecting. Liars really do know.

It wasn't hard to imagine a dozen men "falling in love" with her and confessing their love for her. But that was always the problem. Their favourite whore wasn't Varyx. She was Vanessa. She was the creature of dreams and lust that existed just a little bit outside reality. A heady combination of manic pixie dream girl and porn star. Not real. The problem lay in the fact that, after so many lies and so many layers, she wasn't even sure herself who the real Varyx was. Or Avery, for that matter, either.

"I don't think I loved him, then," she admitted, "because he was the right thing for the wrong reason." A rueful smile and the story of her life. And a twisting of her insides alongside the inkling of a realization that maybe, perhaps, that's kind of what July was, too.

He wanted to know if she thought there was a better question, and she shook her head. "I just thought it was strange that you'd equate love and boredom. Because whatever else it may or may not be, your love doesn't strike me as boring."

There was an intake of breath, the little sound suggesting that she wanted to say something else, followed by the pause that said she wasn't sure if it was something that should be said, or perhaps that she wasn't entirely sure how to say it. But she had to know, and perhaps it was best to be straightforward. "Are you and Avis okay?"

[Star]

"Oh."

Eyes widen slightly in Legit Surprise, and a smile cracks.

"Oh, I never, like. Meant that. Not for me. For you. I'm pretty sure Avis and I are good, and, I dunno? Maybe we bore each other sometimes? But in that comfortable sort of, everything can't always be dialed up to eleven way? I mean, right now, I think we're... hmmmm. Both changing? And kinda sorta figuring out how everything fits. But wouldn't the alternative be super-boring? Being with a clone of yourself?" Sure. Sometimes it can Hurt. Sometimes someone wants Apple Pie. "And, like, we've never really fought before. So. We had to kinda figure that out."

Picture two kids, on a playground. Playing alone, then playing together, running together. Until that moment when one runs to the swings and the other runs to the jungle gym. They stop, realizing the other isn't there, turn, and just stare.

"But, yeah. No. I don't equate love with boring. I was just wondering if, like, you did. Or, really, were. As a defense mechanism. I mean, I didn't mean 'the right thing for the right reason' as a, hmmmm, check box for figuring out if love was real, either. I meant that when it happens, that'll happen. You ever see Jerry MacGuire?" Not Show Me The Money. Nobody's that tacky. "You complete me, you make me want to be a better...?"

I'm Better Under Your Reflection.

"It's okay if you never have. I'm not being all judge-y. I just think it's super interesting. Right?"

The curiosity was back in the blue eyes, and his head cocked. Because, really, Who Is Varyx? A sparkling, engaging conversationalist. A body to die for. But why them? The woman could have anyone. It wasn't control. Was it, literally, the only way she knew how to connect? Maybe. Maybe not.

"But let me ask you this. You asked about Avis and I. Do you, you know, actually care? How we are. Beyond, like, obviously being in the same cabal and Awkward Fallout. Without any, I dunno, ulterior motive. Do you care about Avis? Me? Whether we're still in love and," air quotes, "'Okay'? Or was that just Guilt Checking?"

[Varyx]

Well, since they were getting everything out into the open anyway... She'd already said more to Star about the state of her mind than just about anyone else, ever, and the way he kept looking at her made her think he was seeing even more than she was saying, besides.

So what the hell, right?

"You were right, you know. If you'd yelled at me, like you wanted to at first? Demanding to know if I'd told Avis about all the relationships I'd broken before. I hadn't told her. And I don't want to count the number of couples I've left in shambles behind me. I have no idea whether any of them ever picked up the pieces. Or whether they even tried. I never saw them again, afterwards."

"I'd be lying if I said there isn't part of me that's relieved to hear you're okay because of the potential for awkwardness. Because we're in the same cabal, and we live in the same place. But, honestly? Ignoring all that, yes, I do care about you and Avis. And that's... somewhat new to me." Her voice caught short and she laughed. "That makes me sound like a callous bitch. Although, maybe that's an apt description, when it comes right down to it. Still, I don't mean to make it sound like I was completely heartless before. There were those I cared about, genuinely. Just not the couples whose relationships turned to tatters because of me. That was the first time my careless fucking put something at risk that actually matters to me."

The second time, actually. But let's not talk about that.

The words were harsh, almost insulting, which would have sounded more normal had they not been directed at herself. Strange to see her flip-flop between defending her sexual habits and insulting them. Or maybe it wasn't strange at all. Defense mechanisms layered in defense mechanisms.

She leaned back against the chair, turning her face up towards the sky. "Maybe it's because I've seen the two of you being... you know. Cute. Maybe if I'd seen the rest of them making little boxed lunches for their lovers, I would have cared about them, too."

[Star]

It's the nature of the grift.

Broken hearts, ruined lives, shattered dreams. Funny part? Was if you really got down to it, at least Varyx delivered a few moments of the dreams she sold. Someone else, he might have reached out for a reassuring touch. Varyx got a Totally Understanding nod.

"Sometimes I think it's so weird how I seem to really like Warlocks. Maybe because it's such an opposite? You know, not just the whole Angel and Devil motif? But that half of a Warlock's power is perception, it's all, like, in the mind. It's not about what's really happening. Versus, us, Angels, half of our power is flowing with all of the energy that's all around us. Everything outside of ourselves."

He'd said something similar to Avis, once. More to her, because of We, but saying less didn't change it. And, yeah. He knew. And, yeah. He'd wanted to know if she gave enough of a shit to feel bad about it. But? That wasn't the only reason he'd asked.

"Is that why? Why you can recognize something beautiful, See it with Avis and I... but not in your own dream?"

The Angel leaned back slightly, mirroring her withdrawal. But maybe it wasn't withdrawal. Maybe she was finally seeing the stars.

Look up high enough?

Everything is stardust.

[Varyx]

Well, didn't that make entirely too much sense. His comment about the difference between their Paths, and how it was maybe a little strange that he seemed to get along with Warlocks so well, that is. It lent a certain clarity to their interactions before, and specifically, why his response to Avis' question about adding other people to their beds had been the way it was. The Truth looks very different through the lens of different towers.

"I don't know." It wasn't a particularly satisfying answer to his question, but it was the truth. "Everything I see is filtered through my own mind. My own expectations, my own issues. It could be that I can only see it when it doesn't involve me. Or it could be that it just wasn't there. I don't know."

She offers him a rueful smile. "Maybe I should decide which one says something better about me and pick that one to believe."

[Star]

"I think that... that, is a great idea."

For a few long moments, he just watched the fire-flicker of light on the river's ripples. Reflected light; the opposite, but the same. Plato's Cave? Totally A Thing.

"And the opposite, too, you know. Maybe we can believe the worst of ourselves. So we know what to look out for?"

Two dreams, remember? Even if she'd avoided hers. He didn't mind. He'd told her his as an act of faith, not as trust-currency exchange. Legs swung back over and he stood.

"Thanks for, you know. Coming up. Talking. I totally appreciate that."