Drowning at the Dive

**Varyx** · Jul 5th, 2016 11:30 PM

It was so unbecoming to drink alone, but the bar wasn't precisely the sort of place where Varyx had to worry all that much about being seen by the wrong people. Not that she was behaving particularly badly yet. There were two empty glasses in front of her, but they were the only indication that she wasn't sober. That, and her usually perfect posture had relaxed a little into a slight slouch while she was playing with her phone.

She didn't look a mess, exactly, because Varyx never looked a mess. But she didn't look much like herself, either. Hair that looked like it hadn't been brushed since this morning was hanging loose around her shoulders. Plainly dressed, in a t-shirt and jeans. Little make-up. Distracted. There was a furrow in her brow that didn't appear to be loosening, no matter how long one looked at her. And oh, there were people looking. A beautiful woman, alone at a bar for nearly half an hour? That was already enough to draw attention. That she had the look of someone who was coming out of a bad breakup really only made it worse.

She was drawing pickup-lines from the sort of men who made it their business to be a woman's rebound. Her patience was already thin enough without having to tell off a steady stream of drunks promising her "the time of her life," as if any of them looked like they could last more than two minutes in bed.

Perhaps she was being unfair to them. Not that she cared overmuch.

The only thing that ever drew her attention from her phone was the motion of the door opening, always visible in her peripheral. Every time the motion caught her attention, she hoped to see a familiar face coming through the door. She was getting sick of drinking alone.

July

Jul 6th, 2016 08:18 AM

Cleanly dressed in his jeans, cowboy boots, hat, and a black button-up dress shirt, July walked in and spotted Varyx immediately. She was hard to miss as usual, but something was definitely off. He knew Varyx fairly well he imagined. Obviously she had been intimate with others, it was her job, but he always kind of imagined they had a special kind of intimacy she rarely shared with others. Or at least he rarely shared with others. He could tell immediately that something was off and he was slightly worried.

Approaching her and signalling the waitress to come over he sat down and said, "sorry I'm late," as he looked down at the drinks she'd already had. When the waitress got there he said, "Scotch, neat please." After she walked away he said, "Did something bad happen?"

**Varyx** · Jul 6th, 2016 09:54 PM

The relief on her face was openly visible when July walked in. And it didn't even bother her that she could see his concern - it meant she was looking a little worse than she thought, but she found she didn't truly care. She was just glad that he was here.

"You're not late," she answered, smiling. "I was just early." She looked up at the approaching waitress. "Another whiskey sour, thanks."

His question didn't surprise her much, since she'd called him here to talk about it, but it wasn't something she wanted to talk about. So far as she was concerned, it wasn't her secret to give away. There were only a few firm rules in her business, but discretion was the the one that loomed over all others. It went against her instincts to talk about what had happened with someone who wasn't there. Even if he had been a part of why Star had gotten so upset.

"Yeah," she said finally, and for a moment, it seemed like she wasn't going to continue. The waitress returned with their drinks, and Varyx took a moment to take down half of hers in one go before she answered. "Have you ever heard of the idea that a given person can only really maintain 8 friendships?" she asked suddenly. "I don't know how true that really is, but if it were true, I would be the person whose first 7 are people who can get me something I want. They're powerful, or near someone powerful, or they have knowledge or influence somewhere that I need access to. And, if I were very lucky, and being very kind to myself, the last slot would go to someone I actually like." She was staring at the shined wooden surface of the table while she spoke, but her gaze lifted to his, and her voice lowered as she continued, "Or I was, back in San Francisco. Here..." She shook her head. "It's been a long time since I've felt like I ha a home, but I do. With you. With the others at the theater." She winced, real pain showing through in her expression at last.

She felt silent again, her gaze tracking back down to the table. She couldn't look at him. "I might have been involved in breaking the heart of our group."

Jul 7th, 2016 10:12 AM

July found that people enjoyed using metaphors or stories for topics that made them uncomfortable, as if relating their issue to something totally different took away from the awkwardness of it all, and Varyx seemed awkward and uncomfortable with whatever subject she was bringing up.

He reached over and held her hand when she mentioned feeling at home with him, and the others. At the mention of breaking the heart it knew where it might be going. Avis and Star were the 'originals', a fact that always kind of hid under the surface of the cabal. That before the other three, there was Avis and Star. But was she saying she was a part of breaking them up? He gave her a soft look, because she definitely needed a friend more than anything and asked softly, "What happened?" It was the voice of a friend and lover, not of a former marshal and guardian curious for answers.

**Varyx** · Jul 9th, 2016 03:39 PM

She didn't want to say. It wasn't her place. It went against every fiber of what she felt like she was supposed to do in this situation. And yet? It was his cabal, too. His Hearthmaster who had disappeared without warning and without hashing it out with Avis. She had absolutely no idea what was going to happen when he came back.

But more than that, she wanted to tell him. It was a heavy weight to carry by herself. And it wasn't like she could spill her worries to Avis. How terrible a friend would she have to be to complain to Avis about the fight she had endured with her husband?

Her gaze came back up to his when he took her hand, and she squeezed his fingers quickly in silent thanks for the comforting gesture.

"I was thoughtless," she answered vaguely. "I've seen plenty of couples fight before. That's the nature of my job, of course. It's easy to deal with when you don't care." The topic of the fight wasn't the point. That they had fought, and that Varyx blamed herself, at least in part for what had happened, was. "They're always just clients to me. I get paid to care about them, so when they fight and when they're gone, it doesn't matter."

She frowned, looking like she'd just bitten into something unexpectedly bitter. "Is this what it's like to have a family like this one? This constant push and pull between different people selfishly pursuing different things?" Because they had been selfish. All three of them. Her instincts said Star had been the most selfish, but she wasn't entirely certain whether that was true or whether it was just because he'd been the lone voice of disagreement. "Maybe it's just me. I can't rightly say whether it's just human nature that people are selfish about their relationships, or whether it's just that I happen to drive selfishness in other people I care about."

Jul 11th, 2016 09:18 AM

He wanted to ask more, find out more, but he knew she was being vague for some particular reason and he wasn't going to drag it out of her. If she didn't want to elaborate he wouldn't push. Instead he focused on the emotions. "I don't think I'd say you 'drive selfishness,' he said, keeping his hand with hers. "I've always believed that a relationship takes a lot of work. Whenever I had a friend at work tell me how simple or easy it was to be with someone I told them they hadn't seen real problems yet, and they were in for a rough ride when the problems showed up. Being in a relationship is about understanding that you are selfish and putting that aside for another. Understanding that your partner has needs and you can't be expected to fulfill all of them all the time." Maybe there was a little bit of July hiding in his words. Things he hadn't sound out loud to Varyx.

"It's always going to be harder when people you care about are involved, but unless you pushed yourself in the middle of this I can't see how any of this is your fault. I know the other two, and both of them can be stubborn and insensitive to the feelings of others. Maybe it was only a matter of time before they were stubborn or insensitive to each other. All I know is I doubt this was your fault."

**Varyx** · Jul 14th, 2016 11:50 PM

A smile made its way onto her face. Not entirely genuine, but not false, exactly, either. Maybe just a little sad. Maybe it was because it was more for him than an actual expression of her feelings. It was a form of appreciation for his words, and for his confidence that she wasn't as selfish and cold as she sometimes believed.

"Perhaps not my fault, exactly. It's difficult to think that way, not when I'm certain it would never have happened without me. But still. Being a catalyst and being at fault are different." The smile brightened for a moment, suddenly reflecting self-deprecating amusement. "Now I just have to convince my guilt of that. Not always an easy task."

"I suspect it's more that it's disconcerting to watch something like that happen. It's like trying to stop a spill with your hands - no matter how much you might want to catch the falling liquid, it's going to slip through your fingers by its nature. Frustrating." She shook her head, her voice catching on the next sentence. But it was why he'd been called here. Because she needed someone to talk to about herself. This wasn't about Avis and Star. They'd been a catalyst for some unpleasant realizations about herself, and that was what she needed to speak about. "I... scared myself. Thinking back on it, later, I wanted to reach out and change it. I know it's natural to want to fix something you perceive as wrong, but those wishes and desires hardly matter when you're not capable of acting." She lifted her gaze to his, her fingers tightening around his again, and this time, not loosening.

"But I can," she said, her voice low and strained. That Avis could almost certainly have stopped her was entirely beside the point.

The flicker of an almost-memory... of the world at her feet. She winced, and then cleared her throat, her expression closing again as she realized just how much she'd spilled. She wanted to share what she felt with him, but not like that. Not as a mess of unbridled emotion and fear. She valued self-control, especially when it was all that stood between her and that. Her voice was calm again, though there was still a slight tremor in her tone when she spoke, finally. "It's disconcerting to realize that I am all that stands between myself and such acts."

Jul 15th, 2016 08:30 AM

His eyes fell to her smile and he continued to listen. "I've been the catalyst for many things in my life, but being a part of something bad, doesn't mean you actually caused the bad thing. And really, the guilt never truly goes away. Some people like to think of guilt as a weight, holding us down. But I like to think of it as a type of reality check. A reminder of what can happen if we're not careful and you lose focus."

He slid closer to her, bringing himself right next to her. "But see, even you know you didn't cause it. Look at your metaphor. You didn't start the spill. You didn't cause it, you just tried to stop it before it became a big mess. You can't stop a rolling stone when it's too big to catch, all you can do is try and catch it at the top of the hill, before it ever starts rolling. If you can't change what happened, and you still have guilt, use that guilt to help you watch for early signs in the future, both in others and yourself. Let that guilt remind you of why you want to stop things at the top of the hill."

He gave her his own soft smile and a light chuckle. "But don't be too hard on yourself. None of us are so important that we're the only one that can stop bad things. I don't know exactly what happened, but the way you're talking about it, I imagine it would have happened with or without you."

**Varyx** · Jul 17th, 2016 10:01 PM

Varyx shook her head. She might have been frustrated, but it wasn't his fault she was unwilling to spill the rest of the story.

"I wish I could agree," she sighed softly, leaning easily against his side after he slid closer to her. "But I know it wouldn't have happened without me. Consider the spill analogy - I wasn't holding the cup that spilled, but I... well, I suppose the appropriate analogy would be to say that I startled the one who did. Perhaps it wasn't my hand who caused the spill, but neither is it true to say I wasn't involved at all."

She sighed, polishing off her drink. "I am not arrogant enough to believe I am the only one who can stop bad things. But I know I'm the only one who can stop myself from becoming a source of such things. I'm just not always confident that I can. It's a thin line we walk, between being powerful and being tyrannical. I don't always trust myself to know the difference."

Jul 18th, 2016 12:50 AM

He looked at her and sighed, but not out of frustration, more out of empathy. "Obviously I don't know what you could have done to feel so responsible. I guess I can't see how you existing would affect their relationship." He did have a slight idea. She was a beautiful woman after all. He wouldn't consider them exclusive, but others knew about their 'relationship' and he could imagine people being jealous of it. She made it sound like she had somehow broken Star and Avis up, but he always imagined Star to be really faithful to Avis. He couldn't really imagine him trying to cheat, or Varyx trying to get him to for no reason. It seemed as if he was missing a huge piece of the puzzle, one he may never have.

"Well that's why we humans ain't solitary creatures. I wish I could be sometimes, but we just ain't. We rely on each other to cover our faults. Sometimes you can't stop yourself; you need someone else to tell you to stop. Point out when you've gone too far. You know I'd do that for you, right? he said, a compassionate look on his face. "I'd be straight up with you if I felt you went too far."

Drowning at the Dive

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