So That Happened...

[Varyx]

Wait, acid? That wasn't what Varyx had expected to hear. Though, he made a good point - she had made as much of an assumption about what Avis meant as he had. Hell, maybe he was right.

Maybe there were some implications about her in that. Maybe it said something that her mind went straight to swinging and orgies while in a conversation with a monogamous couple. Though, it occurred to her that that, too, was an assumption. Maybe this was was VT was like. Maybe they just had great big sex parties all the time. Not that she'd mind. But from the way Avis was fidgeting, she suspected that probably wasn't the case.

Varyx listened quietly to the explanation, hiding her grin behind her glass, and tried to swallow a giggle at the mention of "maybe" the others. Poor July.

She considered, for a moment, pointing out that this wouldn't be her first time with a couple, maybe to preempt some of Star's potential issues with the idea. She knew how to have fun without getting between the love-birds, after all. But no matter how she worded it in her head, it sounded fantastically awkward and not especially convincing. Besides, he knew what she did for a living. He could probably guess as much without her opening her mouth.

You know what? Maybe it was just best if she stayed quiet. Let the two of them hash out whether it was something they wanted to do. She'd just stand, and smile, and look pretty with her juice until they could provide her with an answer. And anyway, a wink wasn't technically saying anything, right?

[Star]

Starry eyed surprise.

The words seeped through thoughts of who and where to get Party Quantity goodies. He'd laid low for a while, lost some connections. Sort of The Thing To Do after you disappear a big dope dealer. But they got through, and registered.

Stars collapse or explode.

It wasn't Varyx. Eyes slid over to the blonde, looking at all of her that practically demanded attention to the point of excruciating, that he usually either didn't look at, or kept in his peripheral. The way fabric draped or clung to impossible curves, the way every word or gesture felt like skin on skin.

It was the other sentence.

That his Intervallutrix had been thinking about July's dick inside of her made him want to vomit.

Like something cold and clammy was writhing in his gut, trying to force it's way out. After last Consilium? Maybe it was because of last Consilium. Maybe it was the whole tight-lipped hard-ass authoritarian thing, things he wasn't. Eyes fell back down to a Safe Place, looking at his hands that were as lifeless as if the tendons had been severed. At the small, fragile-looking, delicate threads of metal that formed a ring.

"Uh."

It was more the sound of a strangle, of sound escaping past the thing inside he was gagging on than an actual word. What happened to the girl that was upset about Zoey? The girl he spent months with before they'd... Maybe he didn't understand her. He'd thought that was one of their Same things, but the Illusion was gone, and the Truth was that it was a Different thing.

Part of him? Wanted to Look at her. Open his eyes to the rainbow, see what happens, see what Blue turns into when someone Just Isn't Enough anymore. But never, never ever ask a question you don't want the answer to. Without that answer, he could keep all of his other Illusions.

There's a whole universe exploding and dying in tints of blue and green.

White-hot supernova words leapt to mind, words that would question her Honor, words to consume and burn away everything. Maybe the flames would stop the drowning, Can't-Breathe. Or Lie, embrace what she wanted, the beginning of the end; a core, burnt out, collapsing, until there was just cold nothing.

"If. If, uh, that's what, uh, you want." He stood, leaden limbs put into motion; distant, like arranging the arms and legs on a toy. "Ummm. You should, I guess, do that. While I'm, uh, on my trip."

Something inside cringed at the thought of coming back. Wondering how many Looks and Smirks he'd see. That triumphant, smug spark in someone else's eyes that would say everything.

Yeah. I had her, too.

I've seen her 'O' face. Because I fucked her.

You're not special.

[Avis]

Alright, so maybe the blush had been linked to shame. Not shame inspired by the acts themselves, or the desires, as it would have been for most, particularly for those still asleep, but rather a shame born from the knowledge that it had the potential to hurt Star.

Had, in fact, hurt Star.

He might not have reacted with anger, as she would have, and had, but she could still see it, still hear it, just as loudly as if she'd read his aura, let alone his mind. And a large part of her wanted to, wanted to reach out and enfold herself in the warm medley that were his thoughts, to drift upon them and taste them like the she'd tasted the salt of the sea tossed up by a sailboat's bow, but she wouldn't. She didn't want to claim more than he was willing to give...now. Now that her words had struck him.

"Look, Star," she began, wanting to reach out, physically, but restraining herself.

"I think...I think we have different ideas right now about what I mean. So, even if it hurts, we need to talk about it. Before you go. And...I don't want to drag you into this Varyx, if you don't want to be," because, fuck, who would want to be?

"But, um, if you want to, and if you're also ok with it, Star," she continued, nodding towards Star, "then you might be able to help, ya know, illuminate another perspective. In addition, to, ya know, the different ideas we have in our heads."

Avis raised a hand to gesture between Star and herself. Perhaps unnecessarily. It was obviously an issue that only lay between them. But Varyx knew more about all the lies people told themselves and each other about sex then probably any other Magi she'd ever heard of.

[Varyx]

"I don't want to drag you into this" is so often just code for "I don't want you here, but I'm being polite about it." She knew how to take a hint, and Avis was right - she didn't want to be here. Not that she particularly wanted to be anywhere else, either, at the moment - not with the way the guilt was twisting up in a heavy, slimy ball in the pit of her stomach - but that was beside the point. Straightening from her spot next to the couple, she had already taken a step back when Avis' continued, asking her to stay. Eyes went wide, not even bothering to hide her surprise at the request. "Really?"

There was a moment of hesitation, one in which she clearly considered refusing. Because this was a conversation she'd had before, yes, but these weren't random clients. These were her cabalmates. And somehow, that made it so much harder to say yes. A sickening realization: pretending to care was easier for her than actually caring. Lies were easy. Safe. She could wrap herself up in them as armor against the world. But she did care, and all of a sudden all of her usual platitudes and comforts felt petty and stupid, but she didn't know what else to say instead. And it mattered - so much - that she not screw this up.

"Okay." She returned to her spot at the counter, chewing her lip while she watched Star's response to that. "If you're both okay with it."

God, please don't let me make it worse.

[Star]

"A.... gestic... conversation?"

Words clawed out, past the knot he was afraid to swallow because his throat might not open again. Dull eyes closed, wending through cards; finding comfort in the familiar until he found one of his favorites. Was it still?

"Is that what you mean? 'A symbolic communion with another person, a joining of two beings in defiance of the flesh shells that separate our souls. It's like dance, but more intimate, and the message might be transcribed simply, "I love you", confirming, manifesting, and expressing love'," he recited slowly. "'The joining of two separate patterns, expressing the truth that We are not two inseperable I's, two I's are actually We and that We can transcend the bonds of the Lie by acknowledging that You is also a part of Me, and that I can be a part of You.'"

Was it really his fault he thought that, this, was one of their Same things?

"If that's what you mean, if that's something you maybe want with, with someone who shot first and gunned down, murdered, two people who were all double-you tee eff about someone breaking in to their home...," he paused, unsure how to finish the thought. How to express how much better he thought she was than that without being cruel. "I, uh. I'd actually probably prefer it just be physical. Even if that would just say, whatever it says. I mean, at least her," he gestured to Varyx. "I get. Just because she's you know. Female. Sometimes you want hamburger and sometimes you want Apple Pie."

Just like Avis would never have washboard abs, or broad shoulders, or... What? He knew the differences between men and women. But it was Super Uncool to tell your Apple Pie you wanted apple cobbler. Or tell your hamburger that you wanted fajitas.

"And do you want her to tell me that having sex with someone else doesn't mean you love someone less?"

Eyes opened, something small and warm flickering in the tundra of pain/anger/confusion.

"But either way? There's something inside of us, something that loves mystery." He looked at Varyx to include her, then finally up to the fen waters. "It's why we love the thrill of the hunt, or why clothing can drive us crazy. And we're all mysteries, and we choose who... we bare ourselves to. And with. And start a new mystery."

He took a step forward, reaching for her hand.

"I love that I can make you laugh. And you. You're the only person that can make me cry. And those have to mean something. Don't they? It wouldn't bother you? If I took Varyx on a train ride?" Long fingers squeezed thin ones. Maybe in apology. "...Or sailing?"

He stepped away, something sad and apologetic in his eyes as he moved toward the other Mastigos. Maybe she could be an Illumination.

"Even if they were things we did together, they wouldn't be our mystery anymore. Our story. Not an experience that just We shared." And that's the Easy Stuff. Now it's time for the Not Easy Stuff. He pause for silent permission with a look before taking Varyx' hand. Pulled her into a classic 'A' frame, and spun her before pulling her back in backwards, raising her arm he held up and around the mop.

A long finger traced down the line of Varyx' arm he raised. It traveled slowly over perfect, smooth skin free of scars. He was a good dancer. Avis was very much not. But Varyx was probably just better at it. Would do it better with him that Avis could. Might be something to him, with him, that she could not.

Was there any flicker of understanding in the fens? Alligators swishing in jealousy? Maybe. Maybe not. Maybe Avis was just a better person than he was.


"I don't want us to be part of a line dance. I want to dance with you." He let go of Varyx and stepped away. "Part of who We are are the things only We did together, only We know about each other. At least. To me."

[Avis]

Was there something swimming behind the flat color of Avis eyes? Was there a tension that appeared at the corners of her mouth?

Yes, but whatever it was that such subtle expressions conveyed it wasn't a reflection of Star's pain, nor his anger. Perhaps if he had been the one to suggest this, months ago, with Faye, or even before that, with Asp or Zoe, that's what he would have seen. But she wasn't the same person she had been then. In large part due to Star...which he probably wouldn't appreciate being illuminated, but which she was going to, anyway.

"I still believe what I said about gestic conversations," Avis retorted, though she was struggling to keep her voice soft.

When you were hurt, it was instinct to lash out at that which hurt you: a mechanism of preservation, of defense. Avis knew that. She had to keep that in mind. She'd been the one prick his skin and draw blood first...even if unintentionally.

"But you're acting like you've never had gestic conversations with other people before. Which we both know isn't true. Even if you hadn't fucked Zoe before you decided you wanted to be with me it still would have been obvious. Like you just pointed out: you obviously have experience. I would ask how many people, but I don't care. The only reason why I ever cared is because I was insecure in myself. Because I was afraid that the conversation we'd have wouldn't be about we, but about you. Or that, afterwards, you'd decide you liked your other conversations better, or that maybe you'd want a new one.

"Like I said, though, that was because of fear: fear of what that would mean about me. But that wasnt what happened. We had different conversations. And, because of those conversations, I don't feel fear. I feel secure. I feel like, now, I am ready to experience other conversations because I know what the most important one already means.

So tell me, Star, are other conversations really going to change the meaning of what we have? Is it really going to erase it? Because as far as I can tell, the only difference conversations between Varyx or one with July is that you don't feel threatened by her."

[Varyx]

The dance was weird. Not because Star was a bad dancer. Not even because she was particularly uncomfortable with the idea of dancing with him under normal circumstances. It was because he was doing it to make a point to Avis. There was a fundamental difference between what Avis was asking and what Star was doing that made the dance worse than any request for shared sex because intent mattered. And Avis' intent was to share a new experience with her lover. Star's was, apparently, to take an experience of theirs and destroy it. She supposed, the way he imagined Avis wanted to destroy their shared experiences in bed. He'd be wrong, as far as she was concerned, but it was easier to let him finish with that in mind.

And she had to let him finish making his point, because Varyx pulling away implied things - about the dance, about her, about him, and about what Avis was asking - that would probably convince him that anything she said were just platitudes. Because actions speak louder than words.

Star let her go, and Avis began to respond. Varyx leaned against the counter again, her face a practiced mask of polite concern. There was little that the other Warlock said that surprised her. Mostly, the surprise was how calm and eloquent the conversation was. This was a talk that usually devolved into shouting and incoherent crying within minutes. Maybe it was because they were Wise. Or maybe Star and Avis were just good enough people that they could have a conversation like this when it was necessary.

"There's a difference," Varyx began, her voice slow, gentle and calm, "between wanting a new experience for yourself, and wanting to share a new experience with someone else. You can involve other people and still have the experience be about both of you." Her gaze turned to Star, specifically, then. "Let's assume it's just the three of us. No one else. Do you really think I'm going to feel the way Avis does? That whatever experience I have with you would be the same as what she does?" She shook her head. "I'm not going to be discovering whatever secrets lie between the two of you. That can't be shared. And not just because you're not in love with me. In the dark, even if you can't see, you'll know every time she touches you. There could be a thousand other women in that room, all vying for your attention, and you probably couldn't tell the difference between any of the rest of us, but hers?" She motioned to Avis. "Hers you'll recognize, down to the lightest of touches."

Varyx paused, taking a moment to let that sink in. Then she shook her head. "Your mystery might change a little, but it's still yours." A small hand motion, to indicate the both of them, because the "We" shared between them was important.

[Star]

So Arrow.

Okay, maybe so Avis.

Maybe he'd pushed a little harder than he wanted, but hadn't he been trying to explain? Not win. Maybe. Maybe not. Little surprising Varyx stayed, given that Tensions Were Escalating. And, maybe, it was good that she did. Time to process. Filter. Not say the first things that came to mind. Maybe to listen to what Avis had said. At the beginning. To remember. Remember there's a whole void of both experiences and ways to say something. The killer? Both of those things were reasons he loved her.

And jesus fuck it was a little hard to think while that, that Varyx was talking about touching each other in the dark.

Maybe she was Why. Why We're Lying to each other. Because We don't.

"Okay. First? I believe what I said. All of it. It's exactly why I broke things off with Zoey before I even asked you out. It's not like I kept going with her until I knew things would work out, or until we, you know. So don't think I'm totally bee-essing you."

Not totally.

"But, fine. Fine. Surprise. I. Have. Baggage." Along with the emphasis and rising warble, let's throw in some Jazz Hands. "I might be a little insecure. Maybe I'm so insecure all I heard was, gee, I've been thinking about other dicks instead of yours. Maybe so insecure I just totally jumped Miach's shit because I'm so sick and tired of looking up at every Consilium to see he's got you off in some corner sniffing at your butt again."

But he's also totally dangerous, too, yo. That's for reals.

"But it would be really, super-nice if you could just understand that, instead of telling me it's wrong."

Lips parted, ready to punctuate it with mentioning her baggage, how it had gotten between them during his 'combat training'... but didn't. Because that wouldn't be for anything but to hurt her. Deep breaths. Breathe. Exhale.

"So I'm gonna own that. Now it's your turn. Don't bullshit me about," finger quotes, "'Conversation'. Are you seriously trying to tell me that two Mastigos can't figure out some way, some spell to have some harmless, Wise, transcendental conversation? That you just can't have that conversation without, without." Maybe a little gear-grinding. Stay-Puft. "Or, uh, that it's just total coincidence you want to have a 'conversation' with, like, the hottest thing ever?" Ears warmed slightly at the memory of touching the other woman. "Come on."

Gotta meet half-way. Even if it's about Honor-less 'mutual masturbation'.

"And maybe it's my fault for bringing up that letter. Maybe I made you defend it. Maybe what you were trying to say is, gee, Star, Varyx gets me wet and crazy in the head and I want some of that and I'd be down for that if you are and it could totally be fun. Like, like a bungee jump. And I'd say, well, yeah totally and I don't blame you, but wait first I'd feel weird about that because I've got some issues and, and the main one is the idea of another guy sticking his dick in you makes me sick so it's not really fair and I totally get that it's not fair and maybe we compromise maybe it's just you and her, or, whatever." Was it the word vomit or subject matter? Something was making his breathing jumpy. "So. Okay. Maybe I mis-heard because, like, sound totally doesn't travel through Samsonite very well."

He reached out for the wraith-fingers.

"Were you telling me, hey, I have a list of people I want to have, uh, Letter-Sex with, or telling me, man, I wanna fuck Varyx."

A slight turn offered an apologetic Totally Not Blushing look at the other Mastigos.

"Also, look. I'm, uh. Sorry. I mean, I'm not, like, trying to objectify you. Since, like, all we're talking about is, uh. You know. I mean, we've had actual conversations. So, obviously. That, you know. Is that cool? It just felt weird. That last thing I said, with you standing right there."

Just the three of them? Stop that. Eves swiveled back to his Intervallutrix.

[Avis]

Color rose anew in Avis' cheeks, though the color was bolder than what shame had inspired. She was getting angry, her gaze devolving into a flat stare. It was her defense mechanism, her instinctual coping strategy for when she was feeling hurt, though she wasn't going to embrace it, not like she wanted to. Being able to let Star vent, being able to withstand it and still listen, that was something she had to do. Something she had to give him in order to still consider them a 'we'.

"Star," Avis said again, her hand laying still within his. "I'm talking about this with you now because I want to understand. I just want you to understand to. Ok? So just...I don't know."

She huffed in agitation and dropped her gaze, though she gave his hand a squeeze so he'd know she was still there. Hadn't withdrawn inward.

"Just...Just try and realize that I'm someone that needs contrast," Avis said, looking back up. "I need to experience things to understand them. To explore. So yes, you're right, it's not a coincidence this came up now. That I decided I wanted to try this when I met someone that yes, my body does want, and that yes, I also feel comfortable approaching. Both because I feel comfortable with myself, because of what I've already experienced, and because I feel comfortable around her."

Eyes the color of fen water landed on Varyx then, calm once more.

"I mean, come on, how many people would be willing to sit with us while I started dumping a bunch of emotional shit everywhere? Or to put up with being used as a dance prop," the Warlock added.

"What do you think Varyx? What do you think about sex? Or about the body? Because, really, it's the body that I'm wanting to learn more about. For so many fucking years I've just thought of it as just a shell, just a meat suit that we've been forced to slip on, a prison that I have to walk around in," Avis explained, frustrating leaking into her voice, a harried look entering her gaze as she glanced between the two Magi. "But maybe that's not the full truth. Maybe Psychomancy isn't something you can use to explore that. Maybe you need to actually feel flesh to know. Maybe you need to just feel flesh to know. But you're a Warlock, too, Varyx, and I know you've felt flesh. So what do you think?"

[Varyx]

They say laughter is supposed to break tension. It didn't really, this time, but that didn't stop the little snicker from escaping Varyx's throat before she could stop it. It was just so ridiculous to hear Star wend his way around that awkward apology for talking about fucking her. As if the language of it was going to offend her, in the midst of a conversation about a menage a trois. Or orgy. Or whatever it was. And, of course, the difficult emotional labyrinth that went along with asking for something like that. "It's fine," she answered, her hand coming up to wave off any further apology.

It was funny how two Warlocks could approach the same magic, the same Truth, in such opposing ways. Just served as a reminder that they weren't all-knowing yet. Awake, but eyes only half-opened.

You know that trope of the old master meditating on the mountain to reach enlightenment? How is he supposed to get there when the only perspective he has is his own?

Eyes slipped shut and there was a long pause while she gathered her thoughts. "The mind and body are inexorably linked," she said finally. Her eyes opened, and she looked up at the pair, watching for any evidence that they didn't understand; she wasn't under any impression she was a master at explaining such esoteric concepts. Truths intuitively understood aren't always so easy to explain. "The way we think - about ourselves, our experiences, our surroundings - are colored by the ways our bodies interact with the physical world. A mind, alone, is solipsistic. And probably otherwise insane, but that's not the point. Never mind that it can't interact with a world - such a consciousness wouldn't even be aware that anything outside itself exists." Her nose wrinkled slightly as her own mind followed that particular train of thought through to the end. "Would it even be a mind, then? I mean, if you buy into the whole 'I think therefore I am' idea, what would such a mind even think about? Without external context, something to react to, would it even have thoughts?"

She shook her head. Now she was getting away from the point. "Which is all just a very philosophical way of saying that yes, I believe the flesh is a part of the mind. It's fundamental to what a mind is. The mind understands the world by interacting with it and experiencing it through the physical body. Sight, sound, smell... and touch. And our internal feelings - arousal among them - are perhaps just thoughts reflected in our bodies. We only understand things like arousal or hunger or pain through the flesh. The body is fundamental to how and why we think. It's... natural to want to learn about all the ways to enjoy it."