Fears of Falling and Futures

[Iblardora]

Dobre tea was situated in the nice part of town. It was a small tea shop that often catered to the college kids who came here with a little to much enthusiasm and not enough common sense to consider that it was 4 dollars for a pot of tea. Ahriman, college boy that he was, fit that well enough, and he had reserved out a private room in the back, scoured for magical and mechanical bugs and even put up a ward. He was lucky to know the owner, who was also his land lord. Thebes, was a stand up guy, got Ahriman a house above the shop, helped him find a job and never asked for payment for him and his friends. He was also in a small time drug dealing gang called the "Sayuri" group, a small constituent of a larger gang, but he really wasn't supposed to know that. It was quiet the accident when the new tenet had found out.

Oops

It was actually rather disconcerting, he felt like the guy would use him, but as far as he could tell the man just liked him and also wanted his secret kept safe, which was worth a little bit of tea. His only request was that Ahriman NOT bring the rest of his "people" by en masse and have them muck up the place.

Ahriman assumed he meant "the gays."

So today he sat in splendor, on a soft imitation Persian rug, surrounded by faux Persian lamps and silks that came from a k mart. On an old pock marked table there sat a couple of green leather bound books of teas for the company he expected and himself. His was open, and he was perusing in between glances at a thin paper back books with a yellow front. There was even a small chess set in front of him.

Now all he needed was Pulp and the meeting of the Mastigos could began.

The call was slightly unexpected, and the location of the meeting was certainly interesting, but the more I thought on things, the more they made sense. Ahriman was a fellow Warlock and someone who seemed to have a good idea what was going on in the city, which made him someone I would want to talk to. As for the tea shop ... well they had bubble tea with those tapioca bits and thus I couldn't really complain. I got myself a large bubble tea with tapioca bits of perfection and made my way towards the back room where Ahriman had said he'd be.

Of course I take my time and use my sight to check out the preparations Ahriman had made to keep their meeting secret, it takes a few extra seconds but I find that I am more than satisfied with the work he's done and make my way into the private room, greeting the Arrow with a smile and a nod before taking a sip from my drink. "Interesting place." Looking around the room I notice the chess set and offer up another smile, this one more amused. "Thanks for the invitation."

The arrow close the book as the other enters the room and eyes the bubble tea with a look the clearly says : I offer you all the tea in china and you choose this? He shakes his head before noticing the smile at the chess board and blushing slightly, coughing and then saying softly "My mentor for the path wath... a traditionalitht. It rubth off on you in odd wayth." He settles back. "He wath a Ladder, one of the old Guard. He uthed to speak of days when Warlockth played gameth like thith when ever they encountered one another. He pounded it into my head that I wath never to invite a brother to a meeting with out the game, food and a tale." He paused and considered for a moment.

"He died by that law too. One of the younger of the path poithoned a piece he favored. By the time we found out he refuthed treatment. Told me to thtay by him and watch what happenth when we aren't aware of everything."

The purple eyes shone in the dim light then the hands come up and there is a quick count and then a chuckle.

"Alright tradition done. thit, my tea will be along in a while, you're white, and You're welcome."

I smile and take in the rest of the room before sitting, noticing the decor and scanning for anything out of the ordinary, all the while thinking of how much Ahriman's tale of his mentor contrasted with my own. "My own mentor was a Libertine with tattoos and enough metal on his face to be an airport security guard's worst nightmare, he clears seven figures a year, funds a number of Consilium activities back home." Good memories for once. "Leafs and Raptors season tickets, even for the Raps Dance Pack to show up at my birthday party last year."

I take the offered seat. "Still loved to play chess though." I offer Ahriman a smile at the notion of similar lessons being taught so differently. "So how have you been?" I ask while studying the board and wondering about my first move.

"Ath well ath one can be, thtill thettling in, getting used to the tensions here. I have a job and an apartment at leatht. A group in the workth. " There is a creaking and a dumb waiter comes up. Ahriman smiles lightly and moves over to it with trained grace. Two trays and a large amount of containers are in there and it takes two trips to bring them to rest next to the table. He pulls back the lid and sighs, by the looks of the spread he probably shouldn't have said "suprised me" when the man asked what kinds of food he wanted for an honored guest. He could hear the sound of his rent doubling this month. Stuffed grape leaves, cinnamon crusted flat bread, herb flat bread, a kind of soup, something that looked like it was covered in bubble tape dust and even fresh fruit. On the other tray were two teas, pots of honey and milk, and two cups, in case the other wanted some he guessed.

"What about you?" he mutters, picking his way through the food to the soup first, dishing himself a bowl. He leaned back and eyed the other man with his purple eyes. "This must be a thhock to your thythtem."

I take a strawberry from the plate, nodding my takes to the host as I consider his question. This place certainly isn't Toronto, it's a smaller city and the Consilium so far seems less rigid. "It's honestly the little things, the small little quirks that define a place and that you don't realize that you take for granted until you leave that place behind. Things like Pizza without creamy garlic dipping sauce or the fact that nobody seems to understand me when I ask for a double double." I shrug. "Still I kind of like the differences, they are a challenge to your preconceived notions of how things are. It's something that forces you to adapt to your surroundings and overcome those differences. Besides if we were all the same the world would suck."

I make my opening move on the chess board. "I'm also working with someone to put a group together. Likewise, got the job and the apartment, even found a good pizza place."

The other mastigos grins ever so lightly. "Would that thomeone be a certain obrimoth you've were makin' eyeth at the other night?" He brings the soup up to his lips and sips slowly careful to not slurp. He eyes the chess board and reaches out pausing before moving his own piece. He pours tea for himself and then lifts it in offering. "How ith that going tho far?"

I smile in a gesture of 'you caught me' at the mention of a certain Obrimos and put out my cup when Ahriman offers tea, accepting it with a polite nod. "Yes, Lux and I have founded a group. What about yours, Mike and Yourself?" I'd see the way they looked at each other and saw something that was more than mere friendship or the bond of comrades in arms. Well arms would be involved but ah ... fuck it you know what I mean. I pause for a second, pondering my next play for about fifteen seconds and moving the piece.

"It's going well so far, we're on the same page with what we want to do. Even if we don't agree on everything philosophically or politically, I know that she honestly believes in her ideals and will stand up for them." I look at Ahriman. "It's something I can admire when I see it in a non-Warlock."

Ahriman pours the tea slowly, carefully it is almost pitch black and smells bitter with a hint of Chocolate in it. He places the pot back down. He then offers the cup back to Pulp.

"To be honetht I am not sure. Arrow life really doethn't leave room for romance, we are supposed to have no wantth... but that man makes me wonder..." his eyes glaze over, as he brings the tea to his lips. Its hot, bitter but with just enough of a hint of chocolate to make it palatable. He doesn't speak of his uncertainty of what the relationship is as of yet nor the lust he is feeling towards the newest Mastigos, though the uncertainty plays on his face. Instead he moves on quickly, shaking his head and looking down at the board. A longer pause and then..

*click*

"A non-warlock? You thay that as if we are the only oneth who know of thticking to our goalth." He leans back. "Though yeth, I was speaking of how a Mighty and one of the Path of thcourging would get along."

"Less sticking to one's goals and more sticking to one's vision." I pause for a second, considering the board. "Our Path is defined by Adversity and overcoming it, our goals are important but it is the journey we are on which truly matters in my opinion. It burns away our weakness, scourging our souls into an entity worthy of the lofty goals we pursue. We feel the call of power, that call to dominate and control others, but honestly after we mature a bit, those victories seem hollow in comparison to the challenge of overcoming our most dangerous adversary: Our own selves." Make my next move.

"It is easy to accomplish our goals by cutting corners, by the unrestrained use of our abilities and the world around us is full of examples of those who used short cuts and the compromise of their own ideals to achieve their desires. Seeing that temptation and yet still choosing to walk the hard path, to not discard your ideals for an easy victory, that is what I am speaking of and I believe that is the essence of the Path of Scourging."

I had seen Ahriman's expression change slightly when he spoke about Mike, clearly the topic was something important to him. "Mike seems like a good guy and he's certainly easy on the eyes, you're both Arrows and history is full of stories about the tenacity of lovers fighting together in common cause. Sparta, the Sacred Band of Thebes and so on."


"If there is one thing that studying hithtory has taught me itth that following the path of our Ancethtors can thometimeth help uth win the day, and thometimeth make uth ath dead ath our ancestorth." He sips the tea, eying the board as he contemplates. Then he reaches out and picks up a pawn, turning the black painted wood in his hands, eyes trained on it.

"Yet for all the thcourging we are thtill the darketht of the pathth, the one fraught with thothe too weak to walk it with out bending to their dethireth. Few know of the reathonth we walk such a kniveth edge. They believe power, or control are all that we want. All of uth are thilver tounged and liketh to uthe otherth." He places the pawn back down and picks up a knight. He places the knight down slowly, putting one of Pulps pawns in danger. "Do you know how one maketh a fine blade?"

I consider the question for a moment as I study the board. My right hand goes to my chin and I begin to attempt to put myself in Ahriman's position, thinking like him, looking at his moves so far, and examining the other man's options. Finally after a minute of concentration I move my own knight to protect the pawn, putting it into position to take the Arrow's knight should he take my pawn and setting up another move of my own two turns from now.

"Our Path embraces the entire Self, not only our best characteristics but our worst as well. The Ego, Superego and Id all wrapped up in the same package." A slight pause. "Running from our desires only gives them power, we each have to face that part of ourselves and acknowledge that it is something that makes us each who we are and cannot be separated from the whole. Embracing too much or too little of that dark side only means that it is controlling us, either through direct influence or because we become so afraid of it that the fear rules our actions." I take a sip of the tea and nod to Ahriman, wishing to hear his thoughts on making a blade.

Ahriman pauses and moves the horse back, just a little ways away, spotting the obvious ploy. He leans back and sips the tea. "There are many wayth to make a fine blade but I like the Katana. Katana were traditionally made of thand which was poured into a furnice and burned with oak tho that it will form an ore by abthorbing the Carbon. " He threads his hands together. "Two completely oppisite elements come together to make something new in the heat of a raging fire. Thound familar?"

I nod and decide to finish off the bubble tea, chewing on the last tapioca bit while looking as if I am giving great thought to my next move. "It does." Move. "So what is on your mind? When I mentioned Mike you spoke of your Order having no wants but also of how you felt for him and given the subject matter of our conversation, that desire is a part of you and something you understand you must acknowledge. I don't mean to pry but sometimes it is nice to speak with someone who understands the fundamental notions of the struggle you are facing."

Ahriman stares at him, his face a half mix of 'oh man really?' and a mix of 'thank god you noticed'.

"You know thometimeth I hate our ability to see past bull. It would be nice to talk in a round about manner to another of my path once and a great while. I wath getting to that."

He leans forward and flicks a piece into place. "Look firtht you have to underthand itth not that I want him that botherth me, itth..." he sighed. "Itth the way I want him, and the fact that I feel like I jutht might be a fling to him. Ithth like..."

How could he explain the urges he had been having, ones that were from long before mike. The dark sinful wants that rippled through his body when he saw mike, the urge to reach out with his powers and caress. The urge to touch. The urge to ... submit.

That was the disturbing part, the part that threatened his sense of self. He wanted to submit, to be broken and controlled, almost as much if not more than he wanted to do the breaking and the control. It was confusing, and to be frank it was tend kinds of embarrassing to him.

Still he tires to explain, wording the explanation carefully, expressing the desire between sips of tea and bites of sweet bread. He finally finishes up a looks down, expecting the other to laugh. A mastigos wanting to not exert his will but have anothers exerted upon him.

I sip my tea as Ahriman speaks, carefully considering his words and completely forgetting about the chess game as I am forced to consider and focus on the conversation, on the thoughts expressed about the nature of our shared Path. I understand completely about his feelings on the situation with Mike, having recently been forced to question my own thoughts and long time assumptions of the nature of relationships and my own desire, or lack of, for one. Sometimes people come out of nowhere and throw you through a loop and it's all you can do to focus on what is happening to you and understand what you desire in that situation.

"To be honest that is perfectly natural. Our nature is not to rule, it is to overcome adversity. Sometimes that leads to imposing our will upon on others but that is just a side effect of a personal triumph, the real exercise was in challenging yourself." I pause for a second. "I believe that our greatest adversary is ourselves. Our ability to manipulation Mind and Space teaches us to control our environment, but the true test is in controlling ourselves. Overcoming ourselves. Submission is putting that desire up against against the call to control others, it's an internal battle of Will to subsume our own impulses."

I take another sip of tea and make the move on the board I planned when shifting my knight, taking out a pawn with little risk to my own piece. "If every desire we have is a part of who we are and something we need to embrace to move further along our path, how can a testing yourself against your most potent adversary be wrong?"


"Itth less I want to rule ath.. I came to Pandemonium becauthe I made my own choiceth. I threw away the comfort and thupport of knowing who I needed to anthwer to." He studies the board and sips his tea. The way he says this is not a whine, or even upset, its a statement. "I feel like the more I lithten to orderth that don't effect the awakened community or oneth I choothe to accept, the more I stray from the path. I Determine who I am, thatth what made me awaken, and I choothe to follow orderth in the arrow.. but..."

Click.

"I am thorry. It maketh no thenthe."

A sip of tea. A deep breath and careful consideration. I take my time and wait half a minute before speaking, even making moving a piece on the chessboard and munching on another strawberry. The whole time deep in thought.

"I would say that choosing to submit is a much a choice as any you've made that have put you on the Path. You've expressed it as a desire, as something that is a part of you and the only thing that matters for you is that it is your choice." I pause for a second. "I'll say it again: your choice. You control when you will do it, you control who will submit yourself to and most importantly you are choosing to give rise to a desire that is a part of you. The choice to give up freedom is still a choice, it's something you just said yourself. How can embracing a part of yourself lead you away from a Path that is about facing who we are?"

Ahriman sighed and moves his own piece, trying to short out the arguments piling up in his head. He leans back and sips on his tea, eying the other Mastigos as he thinks. How could it lead you away from it ? What of his oaths to the order? He pushed that aside, knowing in his heart the Free councilor would not know the struggle of living up to the orders precepts. Instead he focused on the idea of freely choosing to submit being a choice. Was it? Indeed he desired the other in that way, wanted to , but what dangers would he put himself in if he did so.

"But to Embrace every dethire you have? Even if you choothe freely to do thomething that doeth not negate the danger of it being done."

Ah paranoia, his old friend.

I make my next play on the board. "Of course it is dangerous, most important actions and choices contain danger and risk. Ahriman, you need to deside if this is just something you feel or if this is a specific desire that is a part of you." I sigh. "If it's just some random feeling, then it'll go away. If it's a desire that is important to who you are, then you're going to have to face and make peace with it." I pause and look him right in eye. "A messed up Mastigos at war with themselves is no good to anyone. Not their Order, not the people they care about and certainly not to themselves."

Ahriman blinks looking at the other, not liking the sound of that sigh. He was right of course. The Arrow shrugged slightly, not sure how to respond. Instead he picked up the piece he has been setting into place for a few turns and takes a rook.

"Do you believe that? You don't theem much better off than me thometimeth." he looks at the other sharply. "I noticed your thmile never really reacheth your eyeth. You worry about.. thomething." This isn't a question, its a statement.

I look down at the board for a second, then at the tea. I take a moment, another sigh. "Lux." A single word saying so much. "I've known her for about a year and a half now, someone I had coffee with and debated philosophy or politics with, a normal friend. Now I've seen a side of her I didn't even think existed, not just from the shots from the other night but also a kind of internal passion. She's different from everyone I've been with ... and right now, with all the changes caused my movie here, she's not ready for a relationship."

Ahriman nods.

"I thee." He leans forward. "And you only hethitate for that? No other reathon you pauthe before your desire?" He is staring into the other with purple eyes sharp.

"It's not as simple as pursuing her, that is the external struggle and I am committed to it. However it did raise some questions about the about my own personal philosophy on relationships and sexuality." I take a sip of tea. "I've developed a rather simple philosophy, if I'm attracted to someone then I'm willing to sleep with them. Now I mean attracted to them in a more open sense, good looking people are a dime a dozen, it's the ones who have something more to them that I am interested in and I've found that while I prefer women, I don't use gender as a limiting factor and I've never really been one for exclusive relationships." I pause for a second.

"Part of me is wondering if acting on this desire is compromising part of who I am. It feels completely natural, just like the ideas I've held for years, and I am wondering if this is a new challenge in my own personal Path of growth, a sign of maturation on my part, or if it's something that will knock me off my Path."

I move a bishop, taking it's opposite number.

Ahriman watches your move with purple eyes, considering your words. He looks you over and then very carefully speaks.

"In plain termth you might think Lux ith the one, but you aren't thure the won't hold you back?" He reaches forward and takes your bishop with a knight. "You aren't thure the ithn't going to lead you to ruin?"

"Yes. I guess it shows that been giving it some thought." I remark at the mess I made trying to explain things. "We're both in a similar position, facing desires that challenge our notions of who we are."

I picked the White Queen and hold the piece in my hand for a moment, feeling the smooth craftsmanship of it and then putting it down on the board, taking a rook. "Check."

Ahriman grinned lightly, ignoring the king he picks up his remaining bishop and twirls it over his fingers in a very showy manner.

"But then that'th the path for you. Awayth trying to throw uth off it. Alwayth leaving uth venerable. For inthtance I just made your check into a Checkmate."

He places the Bishop down, looking over the board, noting the carefully set up checkmate of his own.

"which maketh our game a Tie."

"And a rather fitting metaphor." I smile and offer my hand, a proper and honest response to skill shown by us both in the game. "A precarious balance between victory and defeat, both white and black returning to their boxes with this new found knowledge to battle again another day."

I take a sip of tea. "I'm going to pursue her. I believe that she is worth it and whatever happens the internal conflict will cause me to challenge my ideas, to discard those which hold me back and strengthen those which are truly part of me and reflections of my Will."

I examine Ahriman's face. In the end we can speak to each other about the problems we have encountered, we can offer advice to a friend and if the situation calls for it even assist them if another is required. However the decision is always personal and that first step of the mind must be taken alone.


"I am going to be with him." he says looking at the other. "If he wantth me, and I will be with him as I dethire."

"I am uthed to giving in to thingth." he reaches up to touch an arrow on his chest. "Mabye its a zen thing, find freedom through following orderth. What is the tjound of one hand clapping?" He holds up and hand and flaps his fingers.

"You know it that sound always reminded me of the noise made when I couldn't get a date in high school." I remark with a smile, very clearly meaning no offensive with the reference. "I can see what you are talking about and I think your desires are present in all Warlocks to a certain extend. Given the balance needed to walk along the edge of the blade, there has to be a Yang standing in opposition to our Ying that is a part of us."

I finish off my tea and take another Strawberry from the plate of fresh fruit, biting into it with and separating it from the stem in one go. "It's good that we can admit and face such things."


"Yeth but what doeth one do when facing thuch thingth?" He asked picking up another tea pot and holding it up "Rooboth chai?"

"Please" I say while holding out my own cup and taking a second to frame my response, a response that is my than likely colored by my Order. "Face them. A Path is about moving forward and our Path is specifically about facing and overcoming those obstacles along the way. Sometimes you need to think about things, sometimes you need to talk out your motivations and plans but eventually you've got to step up." I smile. "If you keep asking yourself "Why" eventually your mind will supply a reason not to take another step forward."

I sip the new tea. "You're beating around the bush on something. What's up?"

[Iblardora]

"Qudethh." was the single word reply. He looked at the other as he poured and poured for himself. He pauses slightly and then pushes the honey and milk towards the other. He seemed nervous.

So there it is. "Honestly two weeks ago I would have told you to go for both, but right now I think we need to discover the root of this problem. Now submission, submission is simple, you just need a partner who understands the importance of the action to you and who you would trust, then you make that choice to give in." I take a sip of tea. "Mike and the relationship you share or will potentially share with him is simple, you either want to take a chance to be with him or you don't, you make the decision and accept it." I lean back and look at Ahriman.

"Adding Qadesh into the situation doesn't change those facts. It's another decision you have to make, to act on that impulse or not act on that impulse." I take another sip of tea and pause allowing the words to sink in. "However you are now in a situation were you face three questions and the choice you make for one can effect the others."

I sigh, my features in a gesture of empathy for Ahriman's position. "What do you feel? No questions, no zen philosophy, just simply what do you feel?"


"Right now? Lutht." he says. "For both. I know better than to believe love is a thimple that. I altho don't want to hurt either of them."

"Okay then, by being worried about hurting them you're just hurting yourself and that situation needs to change. It's clear as day that you care about both of them and honestly second guessing yourself like this is not going be good for either of them." I pause for effect. "You're a great guy Ahriman and whoever is making you their bitch or being your bitch or just having nice equal romantic evenings with you is a lucky guy. However if you're with them you can't be thinking of the other."

I take a sip of tea. "Have you tried talking to either of them about this? You're not married and I am sure you can come to agreement that allows all of you to enjoy the pleasures of the flesh."

"How exactly do I bring that up?" he asks drinking his tea. "I mean really? I am not even thure what either of them think of me, though Q. told me he would "love me" which I am kinda unthure what he ment by that." He sighs. "I mean me and mike aren't dating or anythin' but I don't want ta make him think..." He sips his tea. "I don't know your right but how does one approach the topic?"

Hmmmmm What Would Dan Savage Do? "Be honest. Dude you're an Arrow, you're willing to face down blades, bullets and Banishers but telling two awesome and good looking guys who care about you and seem to want you bad that you like them both scares you?" I offer a friendly smile to Ahriman, letting him know that there's no offense meant. "I can only go off my first impressions but they both seem willing to indulge their desires and enjoy themselves. You might be surprised by how they respond, you might be disappointed ..." I look my fellow Warlock in his purple eyes "... but you will have been honest to yourself and to them."

A sip of tea as John Lennon starts playing in my head. "It means respecting them. You'll get nowhere even in an open, friends with benefits relationship if you can't respect the person you're with."


"Hey thwords and bulletteth I know how to handle. Emotionth? Now thothe are enough to thcare me." He smiles back at the other and continues. "Your right though, Rethpect ith important. Itth more I am really not thure if I thart talking to them if I ..." He shifts. "Well now I am jutht making Exthuseth..." he mutters. He would have to talk to them personally and see what was up.

"Yeah your right." he said "Tho tell me oh Dr. Phil of the Awakened, How do you know tho damn much, and doeth it hurt? " there is a slight grin, but he seem interested. There was something bothering him.

"I'd prefer to be called the Dan Savage or Dr. Drew of the Awakened, I'm pro-sex and anti-jackass." I smile. "To be honest it's not really knowledge, it's just more learning from my own experiences, mistakes and internal desires." I just allow that to sink in for a second. "I'm the kind of guy who doesn't use gender as a limiting factor in determining attractiveness. Do you really thinking I've never had desires toward dominance or submission? Never had confusion about being attracted to more than one person?" I shrug. "Been there man."

I take another sip of the good tea. "My own issue might be new to me, but I understand what you're going through." I pause, a thought in mind if I want to continue or not. "In truth I've had great sex, had great situations of friends with benefits and I'm not afraid my kinks and sexual desires. It's relationships that scare the hell out of me. Never really gotten a close look at one that didn't have some massive issues that I wanted to avoid."


"Now thee thatth where we differ. I ain't seen good coupleth much either, but ah know thereth something to be said about excuthive relationships. Yew don't gotta be theriouth right off but thereth a good point in being with one perthon. "

He sighs "I mean itth not like itth going to hold you down to turtht one perthon. I altho leaveth lethth heart ache."

"I mean yeah there have been times were it would have been nice to have someone, you know, someone to share yourself with." I sigh. "There were five of us in my old Cabal, two died on the same night during a three day mission that went took us to hell and back. It was pretty rough and the other two ... well they were together as a couple and that allowed them to retreat into each other to get over what happened." I put my cup down.

"I was able to deal with what happened and honestly it was something I needed to deal with on my own, but there was something about each of them made each other stronger. I don't think either of them could have gotten through it alone but they both helped the other rise to the challenge." I shake my head. "Even then they had their whole mess of problems. Like major problems."

I lean back in the chair. "It's the nature of desire really, the things we don't completely understand call out to us."


Ahriman raises an eyebrow, obviously interested in hearing more but not asking.

"The question becometh is it better to underthtand or remain ignorant of the meaning of dethireth?" he said slowly. " For underthanding thomething can better allow uth to know how to bring it into being."

"Hence why I like to reach out and touch them, make them part of who I am. Since because that's really what they are." I nod. "Ignorance is a weapon of the Lie and willful ignorance about parts of ourselves, even the deepest, darkest corners ... well it's not the way of our Path." I smile and shrug. "Besides I'm a guy whose personal motto is "Why Not"."

There is a chuckle. "Yeth thatth true. When you find them you mutht train them, make the weaknethth and dethireth work for you but not allow them to conthume you. You must use them to keep yourself thharp, focuthed and flexible. " He nods. "It is how you thtay alive in the war that ith our liveth ."

"Man you go to war with yourself and you're screwed not matter what your goals and ambitions are, so if something is that much a part of you, well it's either find a way to work it into yourself or let it fester and eat you from the inside." I smile. "It's a good motto, trying saying "Why Not" to something you want to do."

The arrow kind of stares at him for a moment, as if he had asked him to do a particularly hard math problem involving numbers that probably shouldn't exist. He then very carefully says. "Your thcrewed if you go to war with yourthelf?" He sounds confused as if this is something alien to him.

I check for a moment to see if I spilled tea on myself or something like that. No. That's good. "We've been talking about the nature of accepting our desires for like an hour now. They're not going to go away, they're going to continue to fester until you deal with them and accept their presence as part of you or they destroy you. It's just that simple really." I pause. "A Path is about walking forward, about facing the next challenge, not letting old ones kill you with a thousand cuts." I shrug. "I guess it's about not going to war with your soul, the essence of who you are."

Ahriman shrugs. "thorry. I wath thinking about the teachingth. " he muttered.

"Yet if you do not give each challenge time to thhape you, if you do not wrethtle with you choiceth then how do you know you are gaining anything from the journey? "

Everything's Zen again.

"You are wrestling with your choices and each challenge does shape you and honestly at a certain point if you stop too long on the journey, a bathroom break becomes a settlement." I purse my lips. "What we've been talking about, those desires, they're not new and wrestling with them is not going to allow you to move forward. It's just my opinion but you might need to stop wrestling with your desires and start wrestling with the objects of your desire."

The arrow nearly spits out his tea at the image as a bright red blush covers his face. Okay yes he would like that, and no he wasn't going to give in to the images floating at the edge of his minds eyes, not right now at least. Mabye later when he had some free time to consider how a Silver ladder would do in the ring. For now though he cleared his throat.

"Alright. You've convinced me, and trutht me I wath convinced a while ago, itth more.. um.. " He looks down and fiddles with his book . "How?"

"Hey man you're the Arrow, you're the one whose suppose to understand the specifics of nude Grecko-Roman wrestling." I laugh and smile, letting him know that I'm just kidding. "You're honest with yourself about your desires, now be honest with the objects of your desire. Let them know what you want, write them a sonnet and deliver it with a dozen roses and a nice bottle of Merlot if you that's what you need to do, but you're going to have to put yourself out there. You can't sit here and tell me that you can share all this stuff with me but not with them?"

I take a drink of tea. Not a sip, a drink. "I mean you can go the brazen route and simply invite them both over or for a night out, sit them down and explain things to them. You can got the subtle route and speak to them individually and sound them out on the ideas, seeing how they respond. Just make sure no matter how you do it, it's from the heart."


"I am more a gun man you know. " his voice is dry but he smiles at the other. He was being flippant yes but he was giving him good advice. "and Alright, from the heart." He would have to figure out whats in his heart first. Was he really interested in Q or was it just something from the day with the dumplings and a mixture of lust. He rubbed his face and leans back, suddenly tired.

"I ... " He seems like her really wants to ask a question.

"What's on your mind?" I ask, my expression open and inviting.

"Well two quethtionth." he said "One: Why did you come here? Thereth two of you now, tho unlethth Toronto jutht thuckth I am thenthing thomethingth up? And Two: On an unrelated note, What do you do about being jumpy and paranoid?

I smile at the two completely related questions, the first born out of the second. Or maybe I'm just being paranoid and they're really coming to take me away ha ha. Okay enough of that.

"The sports teams suck, the city is great. The Consilium ... " I trail off with a shrug. "Whole major political mess happened there last year, two factions squared off, one full of Conservative Arrows, the other led by a group of younger Arrows and the top of the Silver Ladder and I ended up being the sane man stuck in the middle." I shake my head, remembering the stupidity of it all. "They used Mind to turn a patsy into a Manchurian Candidate assassin who murdered the Moros Councilor."

A sigh escapes my lips. "I ended up being appointed to defend the patsy in a trial that would take place in front of the whole Consilium and was given time to investigate what happened. It basically turned into an old PI Film Noir, yeah I understand the irony, and I dug more than a few skeletons out of everyone's closets, managed to win a not guilty verdict at trial and well it looked like the Followers of the Lie were behind it and finally the Conservative Consilium of Toronto was going to join together and do something." My voice calls back on the genuine joy of that moment, when it looked as if things were finally going to be all right. Then it drop as I begin again. "Then the people behind it all revealed themselves, two of the four living councilors were in on the thing, and declared that the ruling Hierarch could not keep Mages safe and thus must step down. Whole damn trial was a Xanatos Gambit, if they'd have won, the excuse would have been some crap about the unfairness of the system."


I finish off my tea. "I was offered the Mastigos seat on the Council and accepted it, figuring I could do some good. I just ended up learning that power gained in the wrong way just leads to misrule. Every decision made by the Council, 5-1 no prize for guessing the dissenting opinion, was made to secure their own position. Eventually it came down to getting out of there or watching all of my beliefs be slowly destroyed and well I chose my beliefs and ended up here, in Sacramento, the Wild West, where every willing Willworker is needed." I pause. "As for Lux, well you'll have to ask her. Everything you've said in this meeting will be held in the strictest confidence by myself and I hope you are able to respect my silence about my Cabalmate."

The second question is a bit more difficult and given my personal history, it's one that makes me think. "Paranoia can be a good thing, but it is something else which can led us to ruin should we allow it to rule over us. You and I could have simply spent the last hour tossing throwaway lines at each other because of some fear of speaking honestly. Instead we talked. We talked like two human beings, shared ideas and more importantly were forced to examine our own notions and beliefs." I look him right in his purple eyes again. "We each could have given in to paranoia, but we did not. I believe that this conversation has left us both stronger in our convictions and in our outlook. That's how I deal with paranoia, I just realize how much I have to lose if I let it rule my decisions."


"Yeah. " He said. "I know jutht how much and thtill I theem to jump the gun and aththume at every turn. So thats not working. "

I sit back for a moment, my expression thoughtful as I honestly consider what advice I can offer in this context. "Trust is hard. I mean you can only be betrayed by someone you trust and frankly it's one of the first lessons we're usually taught as apprentices. Hell it's an important lesson but ... " I lean forward "... but learning to trust is as important a lesson. I've encountered a lot of Anti-Libertine bullshit during my Awakened life and the vast majority of it was based stereotypes and other garbage. Slick talking manipulators passing down their dislikes to the newbs who soak it all up without ever bothering to actually get to know someone before they decide to hate them." I sit back again and smile.

"Still I don't go down that path. Fear, Hate ... they're closely related." I mimic the voice of Yoda. "Fear is the Path to the Dark Side. Fear leads to Anger, Anger leads to Hate, Hate leads to Suffering."

I smile. Afterall who am I to argue with Yoda.

Ahriman shifted raising an eyebrow. He had heard that libertines weren't always well liked, and to be fair the Hollywood libertines had been less than impressive to him, but he also didn't know there was an "anti-libertine " sentiment. He liked them well enough, they were often the first on the front lines next to the arrows and seemed to take their oath to bringing the world to a better place seriously, even if they could be idealistic.
The arrow shook his head.

"You think we were still in the mage wars." he muttered. "Though I am courious about why "anti-libertine" sentiment exsits."

"Fear mostly. We're odd, we're new and to a lot of Mages we're unknown. The Diamond Orders can all trace their existence back to Atlantis and it's something which forms a major part of their identity, an identity that provides structure to it's membership. Now here comes the new guys, they've got drive, they've got strange ideas and as an official organization they've been around less time than some Major League Baseball teams." I pause and shrug. "This whole existence is a shock to the system and falling back on thousands of years of history and tradition is a way to keep yourself grounded and on point. Then suddenly here's something that doesn't fit with all that stuff, something that doesn't have an static role in your society."

I give a reaction that says while I'm disappointed, I at least understand the other position. Even if the other position is bullshit. "Then well some people are just assholes. Awakening doesn't make you a better person, it doesn't make you more tolerant and it can't toss away all the baggage you picked up while under the Lie. Mage society will always have it's share of dickheads who'll be sexist or homophobic, Willworkers with an irrational dislike of Liberals or Conservatives, judgmental pricks of all beliefs and unpleasant sons of bitches. Just the way things go."


Ahriman snorts slightly. "In another hundred yearth the Free council will be part of the orderth, no one will care of daimond. You bring change and revolution, and dethpite your loothe order you are needed. Power needth to be conthtantly shifting and challenged, and you do that. " He sighs and leans across th pillows and pulls out a hookah.

"Order ith good but it weakenth if its not always kept up, once mutht alwayth try to expand and grow, and alwayth be checked. Problemth mutht be addreththed and you bring that to 4 Orderth that are trapped by the ruleth that lead to a fall. If we are the talonth, the Ladder the voice, the Gaurdian the eyeth, and the Mythterium the Wingth...."

He pulls out a lighter and lights the hookah.

"Then perhapth you are the fire?"

I smile. "That's usually what I say. I mean every order believes in testing one's self, why should beliefs and ideals not be challenged in the same way?" Does that make us the Xander? "Well so far I haven't seen anything here that would cause me to assume that Free Council is hated and fear in this Consilium, which is a good thing." I guess I'm starting to get hopeful here.

"You know what I always loved about the Free Council though? How it all came together." I lean forward slightly. "To be offered such power and to just reject it, to decide that doing the right thing and walk the hard road was the way to go. Just always something that really grabbed me about the Order." I think I'm starting to get that far away look in my eye.

"So what brought you here to Sacramento?"


Ahriman chuckles.

"Don't know I believe that every namelethth denied the Theerth... but then "No true Thcotthmen" I guethth." He puts something the hookah and sighs.

"You know how we arrowth are bound by our orderth? Well I don't take to thothe well, and then." he paused.

"Well they didn't like me, mothtly becauthe of that and that the head was an Obrimoth who had gotten it into hith head that warlockth were jutjt there to take down order. He didn't like me on principle, and only my mentor and a few otherth would give me the time of day. Then..."

He takes a drag.

"Then the Incident happened."

"You know how history is ... but what matters is that those who did became the Free Council" my voice goes somber "or our first martyrs."

I lean forward and give my full attention to Ahriman, nodding my head at his story and looking up with interest when he mentions "the Incident".

"The Incident?"

"We were checking out reportth of theer activity in the down town area. Five of uth, jutht a thmall group to Recon. We found them in an old abandon houthe, one of thothe thingth that are kept around for the purpothe of bringing down the property value and housing thquaterth." He breathed out a sweet smelling smoke and offered it to Pulp. "We were thupothed to jutht watch while the other thcout... thatth what ah am mothtly, a thcout, my friend Prez, went back. It wath me, a couple of the other arrowth and "Powder keg". He wath one of the few high rankerth to trutht me." A miserable tone comes into his voice.

I accept the Hookah and take a small drag. While it's not my usual thing, I'm a guest and Ahriman has been great company so far. I breathe in and exhale, nodding to let the other Warlock know that I am with him and to continue. There is a look of concern on my face and I'm ready to offer what I can to help him out as he speaks about something so emotional.

"Now yew gotta underthtand I wath the omega of the group, I am not much higher than private, mothtly becauthe I argue orderth if I think they are dumb." He is relaxing slightly now and slowly finishing the food and tea as he talks. "And when one of the hotthtot tell me to go get my athth in there and thcout. "

I lean forward and pass the hookah back across the now forgotten chess table. "What happened?"

"I argued loud enough and long enough to flathh my Nimbuth before Powder keg thaid he would go with me. He looked upthet and I could tell he wath going to ream me out. Anyway when ah get upthet ah can't talk.." he looks to the side. "and ah wath upthet. We got in there and thomething ... attacked. " He looks down. "I couldn't tell him... He died on the thingth tentecle..." he turns away.

Ahriman turns away and suddenly it's 3:30 in the morning of an early November day. It's maybe a degree or two above zero, it's raining and I'm tired, hungry, sleep deprived, almost dead on my feet and beginning to realize that while I'd just done something that needed to be done, it was something that would haunt my dreams. It was something that should haunt my dreams. I feel instant empathy for Ahriman and move my hand to the man, laying it on his nearest shoulder.

"I'm sorry." I look at the man with a genuine sympathy for his plight and what happened to him. I want to tell him how I understand, how I can empathize how I can a million things but I know that no matter what I say it'll just be the wrong thing. So I simply use my hand to let him know that I'm there and I care.

"Thatth not the reathon I left." he says putting his hand on the others to show he understands. "They blamed me for it... called me a coward. Claimed I came running out of the house thcreaming. Of courthe It wath eathy to clear, and they thaw I noticed it. " He shrugged. "They claimed I wanted his rank.. wanted to look like a victim. They forced the iththue and there wath an invethigation..." he sighed. "I came out on top but by the time I was done..."

"It wath time to move on."

I slightly cringe as Ahriman talks about the fallout from his experience. That was always the worst part of things, the aftermath. "I understand. My whole adventure was in November and December but honestly the months afterwards were the worst part." I sign and look at the ground. "All the looks, all the second guessing, everyone with their opinions and offering up advice on what they would have done differently, how they would have gotten things right if it was them." I turn my eyes back to Ahriman. "You're here now and honestly that's what matters. Shit's going to be with us until the day we day but we can't quit. For some reason we care about people and they might just care about us. Might need us. I know that when it comes to Lux I'd die before I'd let something happen to her."

Ahriman takes a drag, a deep deep drag and blows out, eyes drooping a little. He never really kept this around, he wasn't a stoner, the arrow wouldn't like that , but somedays... He shrugs slowly, carelessly.

"I hope ta do that." he says. "I hope that what ever I do here I never ever let a friend down like that becauthe of fear and my... problem." He sighs.

"Thorry, thure you don't want ta hear meh bitch."

I offer Ahriman a genuine smile. "You're not bitching and honestly it's nice to ignore the bullshit and just talk. No fear of judgement, just two people who've had some messed up experiences talking about life and all the things we've got to deal with." I lean back a bit, not far away but just enough to give him a bit of space. "It's nice to talk to someone who understands what you're feeling, makes you feel a little less alone in the universe."

There is a deep laugh.

"Obviouthly you have never felt my Nimbuth." he says handing the hookah back to the other.

I accept the hookah with a laugh. "I really hope that this doesn't turn into a battle of whose is bigger." I shake my head another laugh and take another small hit, inhaling and exhaling lightly. "Well I guess the real question is where we both go from here."

"Well, I plan on defending our place to the betht of my abilities, I plan on making a cabal, I plan on therving to my greatetht extent. Other than that I don't know. It'th hard to know when you can die at any time."

If I had a drink I might have proposed a toast but right now I simply nod and smile. "I'm just going to do what I do best, live by my ideals and beliefs, keep pushing myself to overcome the challenges in my Path and stand up for the people who are willing to stand with me." I shrug. "Life is short so it's important to say "why not" sometimes, you never know what tomorrow will bring."

Ahriman nods.

"It htounds like a plan." he says. "letth jutht hope we can do it."

I nod and smile. "Hey it took sixty-six years to go from the Wright Brothers to Neil Armstrong. Anything's possible as long as you've got hope."