Derek feels Betony's grip around his arm tighten. He glances sidewise, trying to determine whether she's doing this more because she enjoys the closeness or because she is so conflicted about it.
He thought it was probably more reflective of her conflicted feelings than conscious enjoyment, but that didn't really matter, because the fact that felt conflict despite her obvious distaste for closeness was proof enough to him that on some level, Betony Rue enjoyed the contact. And that, as far as Derek was concerned, was the important thing. If he could put a bit of Spring mood into Betony Rue, well, he considered that a wonderful thing.
"How much further should I push that?" he wondered.
"How much more Spring might I put into her?". He flinched inwardly at the unintended double entendre. But was it truly unintentional, or merely unconscious?
Try as he might to focus on the less complex of the desires he'd discerned in Betony Rue, Derek couldn't out of his mind the more complex and disturbing images he'd received through Cupid's Eye. Aside from being disturbing, they suggested deep disturbance within Betony Rue. But how uncommon was that among the Lost, really? It was clear that she'd had some truly confusing stimuli and ideas inflicted upon and taught to her, almost certainly by her Keeper, but perhaps even earlier, by her own parents or someone else even before she was Taken.
The images he'd gotten from her mind clearly indicated that she desired him, but that her desires were intermixed with other, darker things which made her fear and loathe the desires while attracting her at some level to the dark things. Her image persona had said
"Care is pain" and strongly suggested that she viewed desire as a weaknesss, a thing to be gotten rid of. And then there'd been the glee with which her image-persona had torn apart her fanatsized version of him.
This imagery, her comments about his foolish appearance, even the harsh remarks she'd made recently on the way to the restaurant, when he'd simply tried to learn a bit more about her in order to make conversation ... he recognized that on a very simple level, these represented ambivalence about being attracted to another, not unlike the behavior of a little boy who teases and torments a little girl he doesn't want to admit he likes. However, he also recognized that on a deeper level, her ambivalence could be dangerous if she was faced with what she desired but was unable to accept it. He didn't know if she might truly inflict violence on someone - on
him! - rather than face and accept her feelings, but clearly that was a possibility, since she either thought she would, or at least feared she might.
Then there were his own feelings and nature, and how that might interact with hers. Although he'd never thought of Betony Rue in terms of attraction and intimacy, now that he knew her feelings, he found himself thinking such things. Although she wasn't conventionally attractive, that didn't really matter much to him, no matter how much his own physical attractiveness and attention to fashion might suggest otherwise. He truly believed what he'd told that artist girl, that all women - indeed, all people - had their own sort of beauty, and were capable of beautiful things.
Then there was the simple, vain pleasure of knowing someone was attracted to you. Most people who experienced that found themselves reciprocating those feelings to at least some extent, even when they tried not to or refused to admit it even to themselves. Derek didn't even try to deny such reciprocal feelings; since his return from the Other Lands, in which his desires and perceptions had been so manipulated that he came to find ecstasy in being cut to ribbons and often felt aroused to passion by things which simultaneously terrified and nauseated him, he simply accepted desire as desire, in himself and in others, and tended to go along with his own desires, save only when doing so was likely to cause someone harm. He still had that degree of moral bearing, and thus he never felt desire for any of his students, even while recognizing some of them were beautiful.
What, then, of Betony Rue's desires? Clearly they could be harmful to him - though he couldn't help wondering if the experience might not be worth taking that risk.
"If nothing else, it would probably be unforgettable," he mused, even while reminding himself that the passions forced upon and forced from him by his Keeper had also been unforgettable, even though his memory of most of the details was rather poor except in his worst dreams.
But then there was the part that gave him pause: Might not drawing out Betony's desires and encouraging her to act on them also prove harmful to
her? If she truly had such incapacity to face and accept something so basic as attraction or a desire for closeness, might not the experience of those things be damaging to her, perhaps promoting self-destruction insted of or in addition to the possibility she might destroy the object of desires she could not face?
And even if that wasn't the case in the short term, what of the long? Derek did not think in terms of sustained intimate relationships, and he in fact doubted he was capable of such a thing any longer. He could certainly sustain emotional relationships, such as friendships and companionship - his relationship with Adrienne and his ongoing closeness with some former students proved that. But Betony... how might she react to attaining her desire for a moment, only to discover that Spring truly is fleeting? Might that not harm her even more deeply, confirming that it was safer to not let oneself feel desire or get close to another?
Derek didn't know the answer to any of these things. But without even intending to do so, he found himself putting his other hand on Betony's hand, where she clasped his arm. He did so lightly, and just for a moment, before recognizing what he was doing.
Thankfully - but was it, truly? - at the very next moment, he and Betony came upon Rumiko and some of the others of the Court, along with several others - one of them, by the description he'd been given, Derry O'Dell, the one he and Betony were seeking. He lifted his other hand away after that slightest touch to point to Derry.
"I believe that's her, Betony Rue, over near the Lady Rumiko."
As they walked that way, Derek realized his heart was pounding, though with fear, or desire, or something entirely different, or perhaps some mixture of any or all of the above, he honestly did not know.
Originally posted by DaevaDude:
Derek feels Betony's grip around his arm tighten. He glances sidewise, trying to determine whether she's doing this more because she enjoys the closeness or because she is so conflicted about it.
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