Gathering Intel

[West]

I hate Starbucks -- but it's a great place to go for anonymous 'net access.

Picking a secluded corner with my white chocolate mocha in hand, I pull out my laptop and set up my spoofing software before making a Voice-over-IP call to the lawyer's office.

"HI!" I coo when the phone is answered. The latte isn't just a token purchase for access -- it's a prop to get me into the sickly sweet mindset of a sales whore girl.

"This is Jennifer Miller with SureWest Communications, a strategic partner of Microsoft. Are you currently using SureWest Enterprise services for Internet access with Microsoft's Dynamics for your CRM/CMS needs?"

[Jmiland1]

The phone is picked up on the fifth ring; "Hello, thank you for calling the law office of Declan Karabas, how may I help you?" asks the soft voice of the woman on the other end. There's a silence after the sales pitch that stretches out for a few moments. "Ah. I'm afraid I don't know, actually? I'm just temping here this week? On the top bar here it says 'Microsoft Internet Explorer,' is that what you're looking for?"

[West]

See, this is why I do what I do.

If I didn't, at some point in my life, I'd have had to deal with people like this day in and day out. Plato entreated us to treat each other well to measure the progress of our civilization; what he never realized is that Darwinism is a good thing.

"Oh, no, that's for the Internet," I reply cheerily. It's fake cheer. Because, really, you dumb bitch, doesn't it SAY Internet in the title? Do you cook in a goddamn vacuum cleaner? No. You vacuum. Hence calling it a vacuum cleaner.

"It's no biggie, CRM is just our way of having to say 'Customer Relationship Management' all the time. Good grief, could you imagine that? Anyway, it's basically a fancy address book. Like, when you want to call someone, how do you look up their number?"

I say it all in a rush, knowing that if I stop, I won't be able to start again. Once finished, I take a long swallow of the latte, shuddering slightly at the sugary milk. At this point I'm thinking one thing:

Whoever banned smoking in public places needs their ass kicked.

[Jmiland1]

"Oh! Okay, that makes sense. Gawd, you're soooo right, I would hate to have to say 'Customer... Relations...' All of that? All the time? I mean that's so time consuming?" There's another pause as she ponders the question, as though having to look up "call someone" in the dictionary.

Finally she repeats, "Um, I'm just temping here."

[West]

"Sure, but what do you do if a customer, say, tells you they have a new cell number?" I ask as my hand slowy begins crushing the coffee cup. I'm gushing, goddamnit, like Miss America asking for whirled peas for the fifty thousandth time.

"You just can't possibly just write it down, or put a Post-It somewhere! That's so 1980!"

So are terrorist attacks. Yeah, fuck those peas.

[Jmiland1]

"Well that's true, but I... There isn't..." She stammers for a few moments before going quiet; one can almost imagine her sitting there, biting her lip. "Really, the boss? He just told me to write everything down. But you're the first call I've had all week. Um... I'm sorry?"

[West]

There was no question in my mind as to why this woman was doing temp work. As a woman, I was actually offended to share the label with such a brainless twit. Although I hadn't achieved anything, I didn't want to press; it didn't feel like it would accomplish anything but possibly raise questions.

"Oh, well, it must be nice," I said, as if jealous. "Why don't I call back when the regular office manager returns? When will that be?"

Maybe I could get *something* useful.

I needed to hurry, that damn latte made me need to pee.

[Jmiland1]

"Well, I'm only temping for the rest of this week, so I guess they'll be back next Monday?" she says. "I'm sorry, but there's no one here to ask, or I would? It's pretty much just me here. I'm sorry," she repeats, clearly forgetting her childhood lessons of Don't Tell Strangers You're At Home Alone.

[West]

"Just you?" I ask, straightening unconsciously as my interest suddenly piques. "Uh, wow, that must be so boring."

It sounded like a prime opportunity, and my mind raced.

"Why don't I come over and give you a demo of the software? Even if you're just temping, maybe you'll learn something -- and I can log a sales call. It would really help, and I promise I won't be boring. It'd really help me out."

[Jmiland1]

"Oh God, would you? I've been so bored here," the temp says with a burst of excitement. "I'm sorry, I know that's all unprofessional and everything but JEEEsus."