A Bird in a Sunbeam

[Phoenyx]

After being away on mission, Phoenyx needed to talk. It was unusual for her, but this was an unusual experience, one she had not had to deal with. She had issued orders, people had died. They were the right orders, for the right time, but it still felt hollow.

Aurora, she trusted. Belle was lighthearted but had a fire the Arrow found endearing, Viggo was new. Aurora and her had fought together and supported one another.

So this was why she wandered up to the Life master's apartment. Not only did it feel safe, but it was showing her commitment to not holding everything inside. She was in her leather jacket and thick red sweater to fend off the cold, leggings and fur-lined boots.

She knocked on the door.
Orianna Aurora

[Aurora]

The day had been spent working on a commission. A small dresser. New legs, handles and paint job. She was on the painting phase.

Putting the paint brush down, wiping her hands on her jeans, baggy, old jeans with various colors of paint and stain on them. She wore a white tank top and had her hair up in a messy bun.

A wide smile when she opened the door to find Phoenyx, “Hey you.” Stepping aside, letting the Arrow enter, and once she does, the door closes. “Can I get you something to drink?” picking up her own glass from the counter, “What’s up? Everything ok?” taking a drink of the beer.

[Phoenyx]

"Hey." In spite of herself, Phoenyx smiles. Aurora's good nature is infections. "That sounds nice. Could I have tea?" She asks.

The Arrow removes her coat and shrugs. "They have... been better," she says reluctantly.

This is your friend. a safe space.

"No," she says suddenly. "My recent mission, where I was out with other Arrows, went badly. People under my command were killed. It... hurts. It is the main reason I wanted to talk to you. I do not think I lead them wrongly. Just.... it hurts. I have never lost people before."

Phoenyx removes her shoes and curls up on the sofa, resting her chin on her knee.

[Aurora]

“Tea? Sure, it’s just the stuff from the store in bags, nothing fancy.” Cause the Shaman quite frankly didn’t understand the need for fancy tea. Beer? Yes. Tea, no.

Walking into the kitchen, she turns on a tea kettle and pulling a box of tea bags from a shelf. Maybe she’d have to keep more on hand, seemed like Belle and Phoenyx enjoyed it.

Turning, an eyebrow raised, “Better?” so this wasn’t a happy visit.

She listens as the water boils and then adds it to the cup. Grabbing her beer, she walks over to the couch, handing the Arrow the mug before sitting.

To be honest, she wasn’t sure what to say. One part of her accepted death, it was something that could not be cheated. But on the other, she understood life, and the loss of it.

Looking at her beer, she debates her words, not wanting to be callus, but wanting to stay true to who she was.

“Did it go badly because people died? Or because the mission was a failure?” it would be good to know which. “Correct me if I’m wrong, but don’t Arrows go into missions knowing it may end in death?” her voice soft, “And having fought beside, well, above you,” technically she was a bird then, “I know you’re a very capable leader and fighter. If people were lost, it was not due to anything you did.”

[Phoenyx]

"Practical," the Arrow replied simply. She took the cup with a small smile.

"We succeeded in destroying the Seer cabal. And you are correct - at least those properly trained should be." Phoenyx sighed and sipped her tea. "We lost three people, which was about expected. But two were my responsibility. I have run through the battle in my mind. I have tried to see if there were things I should have done better. I trusted their training. I prepared for battle, ensured people had shields and were ready. I was told I did nothing wrong, but I still have this... feeling. Even after I explained to Corn feelings are not fully logical." There is a dark scowl. "I did nothing wrong and still feel bad. I thought I had moved past such things. This is why feelings are dumb!" she protested sulkily.

Dark eyes look to her friend. "You keep telling me it is okay to feel things. I just don't see the point of thius one when it is not my fault. I shouldn't feel bad about it."

[Aurora]

“But see, you are different than most Arrows, you take the burden of responsibility for others upon your own shoulders. Sometimes to lighten the load for another or to simply assume responsibility for things you aren’t at fault for because that’s just what you know.” The Arrow had some pretty fucked up things drilled into her head. “Perhaps you think taking responsibility for the loss will validate what happened, will give you a reason for it.” It wasn’t an easy answer to give her friend.

“In life, there are simply things we have no control over. You cannot predict how an enemy will react and what they may or may not do. Battle is chaos at best. We can prepare, but at the end of the day, it’s out of our control. And I think that’s what’s causing your problems, you had no control over it.” And something told the Shaman that the Arrow liked control.

“Well, yes, some feelings are dumb. But can you tell me how exactly you were at fault?” see if there is an answer, “If you have an answer, then it’s time to acknowledge it and move on. But if you don’t, then you are being self-destructive. And the only way to deal with that, is with logic.” Wasn’t Phoenyx all about logic?

“And yet,” a pause, “you do feel bad about it.” She points out.

[Phoenyx]

Phoenyx frowned, thinking. Was this what she did?

"I know that," she replies grumpily. "I always thought that being more prepared allowed for more control. It has helped me survive. I thought it would do the same for everyone else. But I have learned it appears my training was more... strict... than others experienced. Not all, but more than most."

The scowl deepens as she thinks. "No..." she replies eventually. "I'm not blaming myself.. I just feel bad. Sad. As if I should have been able to do better. I'm not trying to be self-destructive. You told me not to bottle up my feelings, so I came to talk about it! It helped the last time!" Her cheeks flush pink and she looks embarassed. "I... am trying to be logical. They were my responsibility and they died. I just... feel bad. People have left the city, sure, but I haven't been in charge of someone that lost their life before." The Obrimos has gone quiet, looking deeply into her cup.

[Aurora]

Raising her glass and taking a sip, “Being more prepared gives you more options. But it will never allow for complete control. The universe is a fickle bitch that way.” A nod, “Nothing wrong with your training, I know it’s saved quite a few lives. You’re the first I would follow into a fight. Well, ok, probably fly and keep you alive.” A wink.

Did she tell her that? Well, here it was to bite her in the ass. With advice she wasn’t equipped to give. But it wouldn’t stop her from trying.

“That was something I heard a lot, that it was bad to bottle up your feelings. And talking about them helps you work through them.” Though she never took that advice.

Wait.

“You’ve never had someone die in a fight before?” did she hear that right? “You do realize you prepared yourself and those with you as much as you could. Death sucks.” Cause, yeah. Dead.

“Is there an Arrow Tradition to remember those that have fallen in battle?” she asks.

[Phoenyx]

The wink draws out a smile. "Thank you. That means a lot. We made a good team."

She sips her tea again, thinking. "Last time I had these problems you gave me that advice and helped me see that it was not so strange - just strange for me. It was good to know there was someone there I could express things to. It did help. It is very quiet in the Circle sometimes. And when you came back you talked to me, and I hope I made you feel the same way."

A shrug. "No-one I was specifically in charge of. I was only made First Talon two years ago. Some Arrows go their whole lives and never become one. I had spent weeks with them, learning about them. And now they are gone." Phoenyx sighs. "I spoke with my mentor and he said it was unfortunate, but something I would have to get used to if I remained First Talon. He called it one of the hardest challenges, and seemed sad. But it still feels..." she struggles to find the words, "cold? In my chest?"

She shakes her head. "Not as such. It is expected and often happens quickly. The others from the concillium they came from took the bodies - one still had some links to his mortal life and they wanted to pass things through so people would not look for them. Covering up what really happened. I suppose that is a kind of tradition." Dark eyes shift to Aurora. "I always heard it hurt to lose people. I have just not experienced it. I thought I would deal with it properly, but it is just there. And you know about emotions and are my friend. I began to think what it would be like to lose someone like you, that I care a great deal for, and that felt very empty." It was more expression than she usually did, but it was the truth and Aurora wouldn't tell people. "Death... sucks." she agreed grumpily. "Is there anything I can do to make it feel better?"

[Aurora]

Her face lighting up, “Yeah we did! Damn we kicked their asses!” well, the ones that didn’t get turned into fishes. “We need to do that more often.” A nod.

“You are always welcome here whenever it gets too quiet you know.” She offers. “But if it gets too quiet, I suggest putting on some fun music and just dancing around.” It was fun. Eyes shift down to her beer, thinking a moment before taking another drink. “I’m glad you can talk to me.” And here was Aurora, glossing over the fact she almost left again.

“Do you think that made it harder? Learning about them. Maybe the trick is to not learn too much about those under you. Seems like a good way to try and avoid the pain of loss.” Or that was just what the Shaman did. A sage nod, “Your mentor speaks the truth. And I think it feels cold because despite what you have been taught, you will always care. Feeling when someone has lost their life is natural and normal. I don’t know if that gets easier. And the cold will either remain, or you will find a way to cope with it.” She’s guessing.

“Then maybe it’s time for a ritual to be introduced? Maybe something you can do, a small way to remember those who passed, without drawing too much attention to it. Like,” a pause, thinking, “candles. I’ve heard there are some churches that let you light a candle to remember those who were lost. Maybe you could have something like that. That way you know they are remembered for who they are and what they sacrificed.” Just an idea. “It can hurt to lose people. Especially when you let them get close and share things with them. You invest time and emotion, things that you can never get back.” Maybe that was why she tried to hold herself back? Then the mention of if Phoenyx lost her, and the Shaman wasn’t sure how to respond. Just a couple months ago, she was prepared to say goodbye to the fire bird. And now? Well, who knows.

A small nod, “It does. And, well, I’m not sure.” Looking to the Arrow, “It’s a process, emotionally and mentally dealing with death. And everyone works through it at their own pace. I’ve heard that it can take months or even years to come to terms with it. But talking about it can help, validating what you are feeling. Just remember it’s a personal journey, and you’ll work though it at your own pace.”