Coping like a man

[Colonel Worm]

"Your friend's right, you know." The Colonel takes his hat off, sets it on the bare earth off to the side, takes his glasses off and carefully folds them. Sets them on top of the hat. "Take me for instance. I've done horrible things." He begins to run through patterns of punches, casually, with a practiced air. Like a boxer lazily working his combinations at the gym. "Before, during, and after. Terrible shit." He dances foot to foot, still swinging. Warming up.

"You ever killed anybody?" He asks Gerrit like he's asking if the Ogre's ever gone to Disney Land. A glance at Ram as if to say I know you have. "Like a person-person?" White-within-white eyes back to the Stonebones. Answers his own question: "Naw. Wager not. At least not on this side of the weeds."

He steps into the space just occupied by Ram, still bouncing from foot to foot. "I have." A statement of fact. "Plenty of killin'. Over here and over there." He stops dead for a second. Looking Gerrit right in the eyes. The looks says it all: he'll never forgive himself for it. Then Worm throws another punch, connecting this time with Gerrit's chin.

1 success

Date	Action	Roll	Result
2021-07-23 06:07:25	Colonel Worm rolls 6 to Strength + Brawl + Specialty + 2 (All out attack) - 3 armor (10 Again)	6, 3, 10, 3, 1, 6, 3	1 success

He turns aside, giving Ram his space, and continues to work through his patterns. Talking, always talking. "But me, I find fights. Dirty fights. Sometimes money fights. And I get the shit kicked out of me. By strangers. People who don’t care if I live or die. Don't get me wrong, I win more often than not. But they still grind me up. And I deserve it. I'll always deserve it." His breath is coming a little heavier now, hissing between his words. "Try every day to do the right thing. Tell myself I'm different now. I'm the guy who helps, not the guy who hurts. But somewhere, deep down? I'm a bad man. Always be a bad man." Seems more like the Colonel is talking to himself at the moment.

A rueful chuckle as he comes back to the topic at hand, "But you? You call your buddy. You have him bring me along for whatever reason. Probably to make things more real. But you call him." A nod to Ram. "Sure, you want to feel it. Want the pain. But you also want something beyond that. So, when you're ready. We can talk. Until then?" He shrugs, more than happy to keep dishing it out. His fists whistle through the air.

[Ram]

Gerrit remained silent except for grunts of pain and telling them to go again. Ram gave a huffing sigh. He wasn’t sure the Colonel’s words were helping. Then again, one of the reasons Ram was talking was to work through his own feelings on this situation, not just to give his fellow Ogre a chance to do the same. Though right now he was still sorting his own thoughts a bit to actually express them. Maybe that's what Gerrit was doing.

Armor negates three successes

6 successes

Date	Action	Roll	Result
2021-07-23 14:30:05	Ram rolls 10 to Str+Brawl-1gloves (10 Again)	5, 3, 6, 9, 8, 2, 8, 9, 10, 9, 6	6 successes

The next hit was even harder. Enough to take someone down if he’d been aiming for the jaw, but the Render wasn’t trying to break anything or bounce around the brain. Even so, Gerrit’s blessing held back only half the damage. Which was a lot, but the supports grafted onto Ram’s joints weren’t just for show. He had been made to break things.

[Gerrit]

Now the Colonel did the talking, so much talking. What a great this was to get to know someone! He followed the Goblin's movements, barely registering what he was saying. Killing someone? How would the Summer react knowing that Gerrit had barely been in a fight his whole life? Well, he hadn't been dishing out, at least. There had been plenty of taking it. But that was a lot to say and the Ogre didn't trust himself with opening his mouth right now. Instead he scoffed and shook his head once. What was Worm getting at?

There was no time to follow that thought: an explosion of pain went off in Gerrit's jaw, spreading through his head like a fire. Worm's voice became a high-pitched overtone to the throbbing, but something stood out, made the Stonebones listen despite everything. I deserve it. Gerrit deserved this, right? Sure, he never killed anyone but some people didn't have to go to those extremes to have bad things coming at them.

Right?

He felt tears running down the scarred landscape of his face. Why was he crying - he was used to this kind of pain and this was supposed to take his mind off the other thing. The whole thing wasn't supposed to go like this.

Ram connected again, harder this time. Gerrit couldn't supress a groan of pain this time, and still this wasn't enough to drown out everything else - at least not for long. Of course: maybe he was not even able to get beat up correctly, maybe he was too stupid to be a punching bag.

1 successes, forgot to account for the curse.

Date	Action	Roll	Result
2021-07-25 01:05:13	Gerrit rolls 3 to keep cool (Res 2 + Comp 3 -2, curse) (10 Again)	6, 10, 8, 2	2 successes

His hand was shaking as he pulled out the remaining two Blushberries and popped them into his mouth. He stopped to wipe away his tears, and took a moment to gather his composure again. He didn't want to cry, he didn't want to admit what a mess Vivian had made out of him because their pity would hurt worse than their punches. Maybe they wouldn't even pity him, maybe they would twist the knife and tell him how stupid he was for hoping. Get over yourself, you are pathetic. He was, wasn't he? The tears were coming again, this time falling from his hanging head onto the ground. He didn't look up, he just spoke up in a shaky voice.

"Again."

2 Blushberries used to heal 4B.

[Colonel Worm]

Worm's trying to deliver a lesson here. Impart an important message. Something to take away other than bruises and busted lips. Something that might help the distressed Ogre.

And Gerrit scoffs. He scoffs. Spurns the Colonel's attempt to connect, to communicate, to make this bizarre situation mean something.

It's too much for the Goblin. Too insulting. Too condescending. The fuse of his wrath is lit. And the fuse burns quick.

Again? AGAIN!

Without saying another word, without thinking, Worm steps in and delivers a savage body blow.

3 successes

Date	Action	Roll	Result
2021-07-26 08:19:32	Colonel Worm rolls 6 to Strength + Brawl + Specialty + 2 (All out attack) - 3 armor (10 Again)	8, 9, 1, 8, 3, 3	3 successes

"Quit crying," he snaps before stepping away again. "You asked for this."

No doubt, this will be the moment that the Colonel remembers. And regrets. But at present, there's only the burning rage deep in his chest that will never be satisfied. That can only be inflicted.

[Ram]

“Hey,” Ram snapped back at Colonel Worm. Stronger mantle or no, he remembered how he felt on the Fourth of July and didn’t want that for his friend “You won’t kink shame but crying is a bridge too far? World’s got enough ‘real men don’t cry’ bullshit without adding to it.” They had an entire court dedicated to the emotion for god’s sake and Gerrit probably got enough of that hide your tears crap from them.

The Render looked back to his Stonebones roommate with concern. “Are you getting anything out of this? Is it helping?” he asked, unsure whether the tears were from the pain or something else. The blow to Gerrit’s shoulder would have hurt no matter what but not as much as before, like Ram was trying to take it easy till he at least got some sort of answer.

none negated 1 success

Date	Action	Roll	Result
2021-07-27 11:45:42	Ram rolls 10 to Str+Brawl-1gloves (10 Again)	7, 9, 3, 7, 7, 6, 7, 3, 4, 2	1 success

“Maybe if you tried punching back,” he suggested. It’s what helped him. Channeling the violence and destruction that had been inflicted on him. Made a part of him.

[Gerrit]

failure

Date	Action	Roll	Result
2021-07-28 06:42:13	Gerrit rolls 2 to keept it together (Res 2 + Comp 3 - 3, curse)	6, 4	failure

Maybe it were the repeated hits and punches, maybe it was how similar the Colonel sounded like his father or how Ram stepped in for Gerrit like nobody had ever done before - whatever the reason, the Ogre broke down. Not in a way Ram (or heck: his Keeper) would have liked, not in an explosion of violence or retaliation.

Gerrit sank to the ground, sobbing. There was nothing manly about this now, nothing dignified or brave. At this moment all the internal and external hurt just was to much for him to bear, so he succumbed to it and let it out. It felt different than the last few days, more cathartic. This was pure Sorrow, the pure mourning of a love lost without any judgement, blame-seeking our trying to rationalize anything.

He didn't know how long he just sat there, overwhelmed by his sensations. The two Summer's really did a good job too - even with the soothing qualities of the Goblin Fruits Gerrit still felt the impact of all the hits with every breath he took, every time he moved. If either of them tried to talk to him during that time he would ignore them, would forbid himself from taking the time he needed right now.

After a bit he calmed down. A few bloody tears still fell from his hung head, but the sobbing has turned into low groans and shakily drawn breaths. He was spent, truly empty. "Vivian." He didn't raise his head and when he spoke he sounded unsteady and rumbly. "She left. I thought I could be with her I thought I could be happy but I was stupid and I was impatient and she left and-" Gerrit's voice broke off, just turned into raspy hot air in the middle of his rambling. Another shudder went through the Ogre's body as he took a deep breath and swallowed. A groan of pain accompanied the exhale. "I thought that I could finally catch a break, that I could finally be happy." He was well aware of how entitled he probably sounded right now, but he simply didn't have the energy to filter what he was saying right now. He hurt all over, inside and out so he didn't dare moving right now: he remained as a broken man on the ground.

[Colonel Worm]

At Ram's rebuke, Worm spins on his heel to face him and squares up immediately. He does not appear cowed by the Ogre in the slightest. In fact, his mantle flares with his anger. The heat shimmer takes on a menacing, fractal appearance in the air around the Goblin.

Scary Worm, 3 successes

Date	Action	Roll	Result
2021-07-28 09:52:48	Colonel Worm rolls 7 to Presence + Intimidation + 2 (mantle) (10 Again)	1, 10, 6, 9, 2, 5, 9, 6	3 successes

"You know what, man: fuck you. You brought me in here to help with...whatever this is. You called and I came. Because that's what we do, right? We show up. I was just trying to talk some sense into the guy. Let him know that there are other ways to go about this whole thing and..."

And then Gerrit breaks down. Breaks down hard. In the face of the Stonebones' honest and open agony, all the hot air seems to leave the Colonel. His rage gutters like a flame in the wind. Finally, it's extinguished and all that remains are the cold ashes of shame.

"Ah, fuck..." the Goblin says and shakes his head, clearly abashed by his own anger and his role in Gerrit's current emotional state. "I'm sorry, man..." he says to Gerrit. Pulls out his pack of cigarettes, extracts one and lights it. Hollow or not, he needs a smoke. "I didn't know about Viv. That she left, or that you guys..."

Worm stands there, dragging off his cigarette, looking dejected. Processing this new information. Viv is gone. Gerrit and Viv had had...a thing? Or maybe Gerrit had only believed they had a thing? Either way, the results for the Ogre are the same.

He takes a seat next to the Stonebones and offers his pack of smokes: "Want one?" A cigarette always helps in the Colonel's experience.

He glances at Ram, his anger at his fellow summer Courtier seems to be forgotten. What now?

[Ram]

“Alright fine,” he said holding up his hands “Just remember we’re trying to help.”

Ram did his best to back down while also getting into a position where he could defend himself and Gerrit. He was scared that the Colonel might end up giving into his anger. Between Gerrit’s ‘no questions asked’ attitude and Worm’s ‘you asked for it’ justification, it felt like Ram was the only one not allowed to say or do anything if he felt there was cause for concern. The concern right now being that between the two of them things might get out of head and become worse for Gerrit.

So when the Stonebones sank and started weeping, Ram dropped to a knee, worried they’d done too much damage. And when it seemed to him that wasn’t the case, he tentatively put one large hand on Gerrit’s shuddering shoulders.

“Vivian left?” The Render met the Colonel’s glance, confirming that both of them hadn’t known. It triggered a worry that maybe she had been captured or taken under duress but he reminded himself that if Gerrit didn’t think that was the case it probably wasn’t. “I’ll let Circe know,” he said to Worm, giving the ‘phone’ sign. He took a couple seconds to send off a text to the Summer Queen.

Then he gave a growling sigh, getting back to the situation at hand. He’d warned Gerrit. Or at least, he thought he had. Whatever the case, it was too late now. Ram shifted until he was sitting cross-legged across from Gerrit.

“What happened? Are you okay talking about it?” The way the talk was going it sounded like Gerrit felt he’d somehow driven her away but if Ram was honest that didn’t sound like Vivian.

[Gerrit]

Right now Gerrit was thankful for the others' company - didn't matter that the Colonel was pretty much a stranger or that he had a truly frightening outburst just now, didn't matter that Ram was disappointed in the way Gerrit handled this. It felt good to have someone around when you were this raw. He even took the offered cigarette, if only to have something to look at, something to focus while trying to get his thoughts in order.

"We had a picnic. She danced for me." Which partly answered Ram's question: even if it didn't exactly sound as if he was okay talking about it, Gerrit's defenses were down momentarily so he just let it all out. Shuddered breaths and hiccups came out now and then, making the flow of the rundown uneven and broken. "She said I was beautiful, that we could complement each other and- I didn't know if I wanted this, but it felt so right and good, you know? We wanted to take it slow but-" He stopped. What had actually happened? "I don't know."

He fumbled with the cigarette, breaking it in the process. "Sorry, I didn't mean to-" He wanted to apologize for wasting it, but this wasn't the point right now, was it. He sighed, regaining his composure little by little and with it all the useless thoughts and worries. "I didn't want to lose anyone that I cared for again. I thought this time was different." Could Ram and the Goblin even work with that statement, lacking the context of Gerrit's past? Maybe not, but he couldn't go there, not now. Probably never again.

[Colonel Worm]

Worm smokes in silence and listens. Early on in the Stonebones' explanation, the Colonel has already decided: he's going to be there for Gerrit. Help the guy out. Make up for losing his temper earlier. It's his life in miniature: give in to the rage, break something (or someone), try his hardest to do better next time. No other way to go about it.

"That sounds nice, man," the Goblin replies as Gerrit paints the picture of he and Viv's connection. "I'm sorry it didn't work out." He exhales a cloud of smoke and traces an abstract design in the bare earth of the hollow with a long, red finger. "I'm sorry she left..." And not just for Gerrit. For all of them. Viv is warrior, a fighter. The Freehold is worse off without her.

"But, as a guy who has moved around a lot, and not for the best reasons, especially after getting back...I can say that some of us just need to go sometimes, you know? Things get too tight, too close, maybe you're afraid that caring too much makes you vulnerable. And you run." He shrugs, a little dejected, "I'm not saying it's right, what she did. Only that it's not your fault." Cause that's what the Colonel's hearing: Gerrit's looking for a reason. And, of course, the easiest explanation is that he's what drove her off.

If he notices or cares that Gerrit's broken the cigarette, it doesn't show. He gives the Ogre a half-smile, "Don't apologize, dude. You got nothing to be sorry for."

And there it is: they've all lost so much. The thought of losing more is almost unbearable. But there's always more to lose, until the very end. That's why he's Summer to the bone: if there's more to lose, there's always a reason to fight. Still, Worm gets it. Intimacy is hard. Why do you think he's a fan of one-night stands and casual hook-ups? Besides the variety, of course.

"No one wants to lose someone. Especially when you've already lost..." the Colonel kind of trails off here. They all know what they've lost. "And things can be different. I believe that." At least he wants to. "Even if they weren't this time..."

Are his words hitting home? Hard to tell. But Worm's determined to give it his best shot.