Bookshelves and Convos!

[Aurora]

Laughing, “Always be in for the pizza, it’s one of the food groups.” Or should be. “Oh, I always hated that. It’s like, I’m taking time out of my day and you didn’t even get all your shit packed?! Rude if you ask me.” So rude.

“Huh, never thought of it like that.” A brief nod, “A good way to go about it.” She need one of those icebreakers.

Laughing again, “Unless it’s me, and then it’s a friend that can remove the body.” Being a Life Master had its benefits. “But, yah, it can be hard to get to the level of comfort with someone where you’re ok asking for helping.” She understood.

“To be honest? It sounds like you’ve grown quite a bit. Something you should be proud of!"

An absent nod, “Feeling guilty just shows you care about those around you. But at the end of the day, you need to do what makes you happy and helps you grow. Life is funny like that sometimes. We grow into this new life we have, and think we’ve made the right decisions as to where we fit in and belong. But sometimes, we’re wrong, and that’s ok. I used to be a lawyer, well, still am to some degree, but it didn’t feel like where I belonged anymore. So I’m glad you had the chance to reevaluate yourself so to speak,” a light chuckle, “and if you’re happier now? Then it was worth it.” At least it was to her. She knew others felt differently about it.

“Good for you.” And she meant it. “I might have to ask you for some tips sometime. I’ve found myself drifting, both mentally and emotionally. Detaching myself from things around me.” Her eyes staring out the window as she spoke, her voice oddly lacking emotion. “I’m not sure where I belong, and it’s been difficult.” To say the least.

Then she seems to come back a bit, a smile forming, “It’s that warehouse up there on the left.” She says pointing it out as well. “But I’m glad you like you, that’s really important. And I know quite a few people like you too. The journey to self-love can be difficult, so don’t let anyone take that from you.” A nod.

“Wow, this got heavy!” she says with a smirk and low chuckle.

[Kaze]

Kaze laughs when Aurora makes the pitch for pizza! "Amen!" He says enthusiastically!

He listens to her, what she has to say and her thoughts. "Thanks. That means a lot, especially since you've known me longer than most of the people around here, and honestly in my opinion, you're more mature than most of the people I have known since I've been here." Kaze says respectfully sincere when Aurora says he's grown and should be proud of it.

When she talks about her own sensation of being detached, he listens quietly.

"Meditation helps." He offers. "Honestly though? I don't meant to sound like I think I have real answers, but I really have got into 'Brene' Brown' a lot lately, she's a socialologist who did some TED talks on YouTube...she calls herself a 'shame researcher', and she studied what people who are happy have in common, and said that's how she got into studying shame. Basically, she defines shame as anything about ourself that we believe, if other people knew, they wouldn't want us around."

Kaze says thoughtfully. "She says that happy people have a tendency to share that stuff, and unhappy people have a tendency to hide it. Basically, she says it comes down to 'belonging' versus 'fitting in; belonging is when people know what you're really like, and accept you as is, but 'fitting in' is when you change yourself to avoid being rejected, and then even if it works and you aren't rejected, no one really knows you, and you can have a ton of friends but still feel completely alone and unconnected."

He looks over at Aurora and says, "Sorry! Yeah...one problem with me meditating a lot more lately is I do a lot of thinking, and then when I'm in a casual conversation, I drop heavy stuff on it like a brick!" He laughs.

"So...a famous entertainer AND a lawyer? Wow. I have questions!" He says, offering a change of subject if she wants to lighten up a little, as they arrive.

Kaze proves to be experienced and prepared, wrapping the bookshelf in cloth at the points where it touches the truck bed and securely fastening it down to avoid any movement during transit.

"Okay! Ready to take this baby home!" He says, patting the bookshelf in the truck bed.

[Aurora]

Blinking a few times, “Me? More mature?” then laughs, “Not really. But I have toned it down over the past couple years. So I would put the mature card in your court.” She saw him as more mature. In a lot of ways.

Chuckling, “You sound like Alice, who has taught me how to meditate. Though she’s better at it than I am, but I’ve been trying. She recommended it so I could, uh,” pausing, thinking, “deal with what happened better.” Sure, lets go with that. “Brene Brown?” she asks as she listens, “Huh, never heard of a shame researcher. But I’m willing to look into it.” She was always willing to take advice. “Part of the reason I began to look into philosophy was to try and figure myself out. It’s been an interesting journey.” To say the least. “So if that’s what she believes, it would probably apply to me. I feel that way, it’s a daily struggle.” Her voice softer.

“Hmmm.” She says, still listening, but not adding anything. What he was saying was hitting a little too close to home at the moment. But she does add, “I understand the feeling completely alone and unconnected.” Described her pretty well.

Laughing and shaking her head, “No, it’s ok. I just didn’t expect it. I’m not good with the heavy, I tend to avoid it if I can."

Another laugh, “Feel free to ask whatever you want. I’ve always tried to be open to questions, especially when I know they come from good intentions. But if over food at my place you want to ask something, go for it.” No biggie to her.

Aurora will help, though she was not as strong as Kaze was. Clearly she wasn’t using any Life magic to make herself stronger, just offering to lift where she could. Not wanting Kaze to do it all.
“You’re really good at that. Wrapping it and stuff. Though it’s going to be stripped, sanded and stained a different color, I still appreciate it.” It showed he cared about helping.

“Now, on to food!”

[Kaze]

Kaze smiles when Aurora says he's the mature one. He can't remember hearing that before, from anyone.

He winces when she says he sounds like Alice. Not that it's bad to sound like Phoenyx; it's logical, sure. But his relationship with Phoenyx is still...well, he doesn't really know. Maybe he should make more of an effort to find out. Do something with her, just the two of them, as friends. Worth a try. Maybe it's too soon, but how will he know unless he tries?

"Oh. Sorry. I...honestly, I don't know where me and Alice stand now. I think I stayed away for a while, and I just got used to it. I should see if she wants to do something." Kaze confesses. "She's a good person, with a lot of good sense."

"Wow. I'm sorry. It really doesn't show, Madison." Kaze says empathically. "You seem so confident, kind of glamorous, honestly. It never occurred to me you could feel that way." Kaze says when Aurora shares that she feels disconnected. "You seem like someone who is pretty open with who you are, like 'take it or leave it'." He says thoughtfully. "The thing is...when we've gone through something, or done something that the people around us just can't relate to...that can do it too." He says. "That's a big reason why I got out. I could feel myself, not being able relate to people outside of my group, that didn't have to do the things we did. It wasn't a good thing for me."

He follows Aurora's directions, finding a parking space near her place, and letting her direct the operation as together they get the bookshelf up to her place.

"Gladly!" Kaze says, grinning when she makes good on her promise of food!

He looks around her place, admiringly.

[Aurora]

Catching the wince, “Are you ok?” did she say something that offended him?

“Ah.” She says, with a small nod. “But I think you should reach out.” Not giving anything away that Phoenyx had shared with her. “And I agree, she is a great person. I enjoy spending time with her.” And trying to get her out of her shell.

Shrugging, “I work hard to make sure it doesn’t show. Cause then people ask questions and can cast judgement.” Always easier to hide it. “For the most part, I am. But there are some things that I’ve done that not everyone can understand or accept. Alice was there, and she is one of the few I trust, which is why I went to her for help.” She was sure Kaze knew what happened. “It can be hard to relate to people outside of your group. I’ve been working with Alice to try and get her out of that, uh, mindset? Getting her to be more social and focus on herself for a bit. Too much work and all that, not good.” A chuckle.

Once they get inside, she already had a place for it, which had tarps and various woodworking tools already out. “Perfect! Thank you!”

The apartment is more of an open floor loft, walls bare red brick and floor a darker wood. It was clearly a loft that was done by hand. The living room area had oversized couches covered by a beige fabric with brightly colored pillows and a coffee table made from a door and other pieces were clearly done by hand. Soft white LED lights were strung around the room in various places. A book shelf was in the process of being built, shelves leaning up against it. Boxes of books were stacked near it, books spilling out onto the floor. Near the kitchen area was brewing equipment. A traditional carboy, with some beer fermenting in it, as well as a more advanced fermenter.

Her fav part of the loft? Her bed. Which was full of fabric, with a rigged canopy system, also full of flowing fabric and soft white lights mixed in with the hanging fabric. Near a window was a ballet bar with colored mats beneath it. There was also a hula-hoop with five prongs that stuck out on it, as well as a sword, plus some odd looking wired fan thing.

“Can I get you something to drink? I have beer, of course, and water and juices.” She offers, “And what would you like for takeout? We can do the normal ritual of pizza, or something else. There are some great Chinese and Thai places nearby that deliver too.” Putting a stack of takeout menus on the counter.

[Kaze]

Kaze smiles as Aurora praises Phoenyx. He obviously thinks highly of her too.

He listens respectfully when Aurora talks a little about 'things she's done' that 'not everyone can understand or accept', and says that Phoenyx was there. He's got a pretty good idea what actions the Shaman could be talking about from the context of when that would have been and who and what Aurora is. He doesn't say anything, just nods.

"You know...I'll try a beer. And whatever you are in the mood for, I'll order off the same menu, if you don't mind. Thanks, Aurora." Kaze says, exercising the freedom in her Sanctum to call her by her name that isn't for the public.

"You know...it's funny. I screwed up when I got here, was doing some recon and drew my katana and started hacking away when I should have waited and listened and watched. I didn't really have any feel for the way it worked here, with teams of mixed Orders, not just all Arrow teams."

Kaze laughs bitterly, "That's not the funny part. That was...well, shameful. I made witnesses, and Winter had to clean up." He explains succinctly.

"No, the funny part is, how I felt, when I messed up, and everyone knew it and disapproved...versus how I felt when I used lethal force, but it was tactically right, and I actually got approval and 'attaboys'. I thought it was two different feelings, but now I think that second scenario, where everyone was basically congratulating me, was shame too, and it felt worse, because I couldn't talk about it without feeling more shame, like something was wrong with me for not beingt happy about what I did. At least when I screwed up, people expected me to feel ashamed of what I did, and in a weird way, it was a less isolating feeling."

He looks at Aurora. "Anyway, I really did want to ask your opinion...I have been thinking that with me actually getting a role, that people might see on TV, I am ready to set up a really solid alternate I.D. I don't want anything tying back to my birth name. I actually have been thinking about it for a while, and worked out how with Shodan before he left. I just wondered what you thought, you know, because you're famous, and have a stage name and everything, but have you completely cut ties with your birth name? It's a good time for me to do it since lots of actors end up picking new names that aren't already being used by some other actor in the guild."

[Aurora]

She shouldn’t be surprised Kaze drinks, but somehow was. “Oh, ok. Well, I still have some winter ale in the fridge.” Heading over and pulling out two tan bottles and hands one to him. A magnetic bottle opener is pulled off the fridge as well and offered. “Well, how about thai? There is this amazing place that are quick on delivery and delicious food!” fishing the menu out of the pile, she puts it on the counter.

Taking a drink of her own beer, she nods, “I remember that. And I gained a lot of respect for you because you owned up to your mistake. So many would have fought it, or tried to hide it, but you took responsibility for it. Then improved yourself.” The respect in her voice. "Took a lot of courage there."

Leaning against the counter, she continues to sip her beer and listen. “I think I understand? I mean, Phoneyx has told me what I did saved lives that day. And that means a lot to me as I would do anything in my power to keep those around me safe. But,” pausing, unsure, looking at her bottle, “I’ve never done anything like that before. And I lost part of myself in there, and it haunts me. Have you,” another pause, she was uncomfortable, “ever, uh, killed anyone before?” she wouldn’t look at him, as her beer bottle was very interesting. “How did you get over feeling that shame?” did she feel shame? She wasn’t sure.

“Well, I think an alternative I.D is always a smart way to go with the lives we lead. Even more so if you’re going to be stepping into the world of having a familiar face. And yes, I’ve completely cut ties with my birth name, I did that a long time ago. For me, at the time, it was about making a new name for myself in the industry. I didn’t want to be associated with my family. Then add what we are, and it became more important. What name were you thinking if you don’t mind me asking.” Some people were private about that until they had it.

[Kaze]

"Thanks!" Kaze says, accepting the beer. "Wow. Nice.Malty." He sips the beer, tasting it. "I used to drink beer sometimes in college, and never really liked it. This is a lot better."

"Oh sure, um...." He looks over the menu. "Kai jeow moo sab or kai jeow nam looks good." He decides. "Thanks again, Aurora." He says with a smile.

He listens to her talk about what she did, a little, and ask him about shame. "It's funny." Kaze says, "I have a whole different idea of what 'shame' is now, I mean, it doesn't even have to be something I regret doing, like something I wouldn't just do again if I were in the same situation... It just has to be something that, I feel like, if people knew I did it, they wouldn't want me around. Or I guess, something that, if someone else did it, and I found out, I wouldn't want to be around them, I guess."

He nods when Aurora talks about her dedication to saving lives. Even by taking them. "I specialized in hand to hand, so...I usually got assigned to take someone alive, for questioning or whatever." Kaze says. "And I knew more about Life than Force, or maybe, I was more interested in it, so...I was more focussed on healing. I wasn't nearly powerful enough with Life to use it offensively."

He looks at Aurora, "So, no. I don't know what it's like to kill someone, directly. I definitely had to harden myself, not give into feelings to hesitate, on missions where I knew someone was probably going to be killed and tortured, and they were fighting for their life against me taking them alive." He says. "And...the ones that Winter had to kill...to clean up after me. I feel like I killed them, not him. And they didn't have to die. They didn't attack us first. I didn't think it through. I just wanted to stop them from getting away, well, I heard enough that I thought if I attacked with lethal force from surprise, they would try to run, and I would be able to capture one alive for questioning."

Kaze sighs about the name thing. He grins then, "Okay. You know Crystal? He's got some acting experience, so I told him what was going on, and got his help with some coaching. So...you know about registering names, right? I can't just pick whatever name I want; it needs to be available. My first choices weren't available..." He says, obviously stalling.

"So anyway, I ended up picking 'Christopher Truelove', and Crystal says it's my 'porn name'." Kaze laughs. "I'm still going through with it. Maybe a middle name will help though, like, 'John'?"

[Aurora]

“Think so?” looking at her bottle, “Thanks! Was thinking of winging the next batch actually, not using a kit, but buying all the ingredients and going from there.” Would be a new challenge. Next challenge would be making up her own recipe.

Nodding, she places the order, paying by card. “No problem! Like I said, it’s a tradition. You help someone move; you get food. The tradition must continue.” It was true.

Listening, “That’s an interesting way of looking at it. Do you have moments like that? How do you deal with it?” cause she got it. Believing people wouldn’t want to be around her if they knew.

Fiddling with the beer bottle, “I’ve never been a fighter, can’t even throw a punch. Phoenyx has tried to teach me some basic self-defense, and it didn’t go that well.” She says with a laugh. “But hey, she tried." so credit there. “I didn’t know you’ve known Life this long. Has it always been something you’ve strived for?” it was certainly a useful Arcana.

A somber nod, so he couldn’t really understand. “I didn’t even have time to harden myself, I just acted, without thinking.” Voice soft. “Is that something being an Arrow trained you to do? To harden yourself?” she asks, “Sorry this got so deep and heavy. I’ve just been struggling with navigating the emotions of it all.” And she wasn’t sure what she was seeking, understanding? Reassurance? “You and Winter didn’t really talk too much about it. Are you ok now with what happened?” trying to turn the conversation back on him and how he was feeling.

“Wait, Crystal has acting experience?! I don’t think I’ve heard him mention that.” Huh.

Then she blinks and eyebrow raised. “Wait, Truelove?” seriously. Then laughs when he mentions what Crystal said, “Well, to be honest, I can see why he said that. It would catch people’s attention for sure, but not sure that is the attention you would want. But there are quite a few people with the same name out there, just look in a phone book. Wait, I’m aging myself there.” Laughing again. “And the name should be one you’re happy with, one that maybe means something to you. I just looked in a magazine and picked a first name I liked and then a last name that worked. But what do you want the name to say about you?” thinking, “Middle names are good. John is very generic, easy to pass off as a named passed down a family tree if asked about.”

[Kaze]

Kaze nods, taking a longer, more substantial drink this time. "Definitely." He says. "If it was like this...I probably would have drunk more often." Kaze laughs. "So...probably just as well I didn't taste the good stuff until now!"

He smiles when Aurora justifies buying lunch, supper? Again. Justifying what she does is kind of a thing, maybe...he hadn't noticed before, but he doesn't remember her describing anything she did, just because she felt like it or for her own pure pleasure. Maybe he just hadn't been paying attention. He should, though.

Kaze looks at Aurora when she asks if he's felt unworthy, rejected, or ashamed, not that he'd done the wrong thing, but that no one really could understand the things he'd done. "Oh yeah." He says, smiling slightly. "Big time."

When she asks how he deals with them, he laughs, "Badly, mostly!" Kaze says. "I mean...I used to stuff it down, hide it, even from myself, and avoid anyone or any situation that felt like it could stir it up."

He looks more seriously. "Just lately tho, I've started trying to just own it and get it out there. I mean, I don't just cram it into every conversation or anything, but if I'm with someone, and they are trying to get to know me, I put it out there. I mean...the worst that could happen would be exactly what my feelings already tell me will, and it might not go down like that. So far...it hasn't. If anything, I kind of have to be careful, because if I start letting my stuff show, sometimes people think I expect them to do that too!"

Kaze takes another drink, and looks a little surprised to find the glass empty.

"Anyway, for a long time I dealt with it by not talking about it, and spending all my time with other people who didn't want to talk about their stiff either, so they were a pretty safe bet not to try to get me to 'open up', you know?" He asks.

"This whole deal about trying to...just put who I am out there...it's new. Kinda scary. But...really rewarding, too. I feel like I can connect with people, really connect; maybe for the first time in my life, not like with an agenda, like pegging them as a target, trying to seduce someone into a specific type of relationship. Just...for the first time, I feel free to meet someone, and let things go wherever they go, you know? Acquaintance, friend, maybe even deciding I don't like them, or finding out they don't like me, but really finding out, not that...hiding and guessing and having imaginary relationships where I do or say things I'm afraid to really do or say. I feel like I'm done with that."

Kaze smiles, "Sorry. I'm talking a lot." He apologizes. "I've been thinking about this stuff a lot lately"

"Yeah, I was seriously drawn to Life." Kaze says wistfully. "But not really ever fit the Thyrsus thing. Even being more free lately, I'm Obrimos all the way, religious, rule follower, respect authority, wanting to understand the chain of command..."

He grins. "And fire and explosions are...just cool." Kaze says. "I wanted to be able to turn into a bird as much as anything ever though. I think subconsciously, it was a goal to escape being in my own head though. Another way to not really deal with not really liking who I was, but being to afraid to do the things to change that."

"I admit, being an eagle is pretty awesome. And being a dolphin is right up there. I just...don't want to stop being a person anymore."

He looks at Aurora when she asks about Arrow training and being hard and then she apologizes for taking the conversation in a deep and heavy turn.

"Hey." Kaze says. "It's totally okay. Really. I appreciate the chance to...get to know you, like, really talk about what's important to you. I mean, sure, if I had answers, I would gladly share." He says, laughing a little. "I don't. I mean, the Arrows...they didn't make me strangle a puppy or anything. Probably more the focus was on ignoring physical pain. Taking it the next step, making the focus on ignoring emotional pain...was all me. I mean, I was doing that since I was a kid. I did it a lot as an Arrow, to try to fit in, but it wasn't the Arrow Way making me do it. It was just me not dealing with not really feeling like I was right as an Arrow."

Kaze laughs. "No. Not really." He says when she asks about him and Winter. "I respect him. Mostly, I respect that he will do whatever he thinks he needs to, without hesitating. But the fact is...I feel like I'd lose my soul, myself, if I ever tried to be like him. It would be really bad for me." Kaze says seriously.

"I try to keep things professional with Winter. I mean, I'm a civilian with some skills, and he's the professional. If he wants my in on something...I will answer the call. I don't see us ever being friends or sharing a beer, though." He sighs. "I can see how I'm doing the thing though. I don't want to be around him, like I don't feel like I can relax around him, ever since he killed those witnesses. I don't blame him. I mean, I blame me, but I know he did what had to be done. I just...don't want to casually hang around with someone who can do what he can, like turn off the feelings and just...do it, over and over."

Kaze smiles and nods when Aurora tells him about the name, about Crystal having a point. "You know what? I'm not going to fight it. If I get parts for looks, fine. There's a saying I like, 'there's no small parts, only small actors'. I have a loooong way to go to be more than a beginner, but...I don't want to be proud, like look down on opportunities. So, yeah. 'Christopher Truelove' is good. It's up to me to put it out there, what the name means, based on how I act." He laughs, "Like, being an actor, and like, what I am like as a person around everyone."

Kaze says thoughtfully, "I'd rather people shorten it to 'Chris' than to 'C.J.'; I think I'll go with no middle name."