Meeting Phoenyx at the Firehouse

[Kaze]

Kaze arrives at the appointed time, parking his pickup truck outside and knocking at the door rather than letting himself in. He’d actually left his keys to the place behind when he’d moved out recently.

Kaze is dressed like he’s here to help Phoenyx move in to the Circle, wearing comfortable, white cotton trousers and a muscle shirt that he picked up at the flea market.

”Hello, I’m here!” he calls out cheerfully to announce his arrival.

[Kaze]

housekeeping: spells

4 successes

Date		Action		Roll		Result
2019-08-28 11:59:09		Kaze rolls 9 to cast rote Organic Resilience (Life 3 + Stamina 2 + Athletics 2+ HS 2) (10 Again)		6, 9, 8, 4, 10, 8, 7, 5, 3, 5		4 successes

3 successes

Date		Action		Roll		Result
2019-08-28 11:57:01		Kaze rolls 10 to cast rote Honing the Form improve STR (Life 3 + Resolve 3 +Athletics 2 + HS 2) (10 Again)		10, 5, 3, 8, 7, 8, 7, 2, 1, 7, 6		3 successes

[Phoenyx]

Lights flick on from the upstairs and after several moments the door opens and Phoenyx is there. She is dressed somewhat casually for her, in a large loose t-shirt and her leggings, but has done her makeup discretely. She smiles awkwardly and gestures for him to enter, not quite meeting his eyes.

Inside, there are several boxes all ready to go.

"Hi..." Phoenyx says, still looking down. Everything she discussed with October is falling out of her head.

I thought I could do this. But it's so much harder when he's right there looking at me.

[Kaze]

“Hey, Phoenyx! You look great!” Kaze says, smiling warmly. He goes in for a friendly hug.

He looks around for a second, and then looks directly into Phoenyx’s eyes with his sincere, chocolate brown eyes and says in a gentle tone, “Hey. I’m here to help, however I can. I love you. You said you wanted to talk. I am here for that, whenever you want. If you want to move first or while we talk or whatever. That’s what I’m here for.”

[Phoenyx]

The Arrow trembled as Kaze talks. When he is done, Phoenyx isn't crying, but it doesn't look far off. Silently, she steps into the hug, wraps her arms tightly around him, and presses her head into his chest. Even in the hug, she continues to shake slightly for several moments until his arms wrap around her. Slowly she stops trembling, but Kaze can feel a small damp patch where her face is. "I missed you," she whispers into his chest. "Please don't leave me alone again."

For several minutes, she just stands there, holding him. Any attempts to move her or start conversation are met with her clinging on tighter of shaking her head into his chest.

Eventually, she very reluctantly slides out enough to look up. "I... I'm..."

Just say it.

"I'm.... sorry." She couldn't explain it, but something tight in her chest unravels and she sighs heavily before clamping back onto his chest. "I want you to come stay in the Circle with me. If... if you want. Not... not as an Arrow. Just with me." One hand clutches at his t-shirt, desperately.

[Kaze]

Kaze holds Phoenyx to him, seemingly in no hurry to end the embrace. When she slides out slightly to look up at him and speak, he doesn’t distance himself, and keeps his arms around her, looking down.

”Oh wow.” Kaze says after Phoenyx has made her request. He sighs heavily, “Phoenyx...we really do need to talk. I love you. I want to be with you. There’s a lot you don’t know about me though. I never felt like I could talk about what I was feeling, so...there’s a lot you don’t know. I want to listen to you though. I don’t want to just assume that I know what you want, and why. Our relationship before...was really focused on the physical side. I rushed into that because I was really, really unhappy and you were like a lifeline. I should have tried to talk, get to know you and let you really see me, how I really am before we slept together.” He says.
He looks down into her eyes, “First, tell me what you’re sorry for. I don’t feel like you did anything wrong.” He says gently.

[Phoenyx]

The Arrow blushes, and shrugs. "I didn't want to know that. The sex was what I wanted. It is all I had wanted from guys before. The... release. But...you..." She presses her head against his chest again. "Wanting to leave the Arrows.... I don't understand it. But I didn't like it, because... because it brought us together. It was like you were rejecting a part of me that matters so much to me."

She sighs, shaking again. "I reacted badly. I was so hurt by you leaving I never stopped to think about what you might want. That's why I'm... um. Y'know."

Slowly, Phoenyx peels back out of the hug. "Kaze, I... I don't know how I feel. I don't know if it's love, but I've never felt the same about anyone in the way I feel about you. I know I don't want to lose you. I... I don't worry about the things I don't know. I just know you're sweet and funny, and I care a lot about you." She tries to give him a small smile.

[Kaze]

Kaze listens closely to Phoenyx, watching her face and searching her expressions as she talks.

”Okay. First of all, you won’t lose me not by accident, not unless you decide you don’t want me.” Kaze says. “And I forgive you not stopping to think about what I wanted. I honestly am just trying to figure out what I want now too.”

”Thank you, Phoenyx. For saying it out loud like that. It means a lot to me to hear you care for me.” he says. “I care a lot about you too. I guess...what i am wondering is...do you want to know what I’m really like and really feeling now? I mean not my feelings right now, but when we first got together, we were both new and close in age and attracted to each other and we were committed to each other as Arrows, and we started sleeping together and it helped both of us, I think, to deal with something we were feeling that was hard to deal with...”

Kaze says, “And I wanted more than that in my life, more than I felt from being an Arrow, and now, I know that I love you, I think you actually did a better job of showing what you really felt and wanted than I did. I just...sleeping together, living together, especially back in the Circle...it...makes it hard for me to figure out what I want. I mean I know that I want to be together with you, but I know that I need to figure out my life, the other parts of my life. “

He looks longingly down at Phoenyx. “Would you want to be my girlfriend if we didn’t have sex? If we didn’t live together, and I still came when you called and we went out together and I could tell you what I was thinking...we could both tell each other what we were thinking and feeling, even if we couldn’t tell anyone else. Would you be interested in me still, like that?” he asks.

”I want more than sex and cuddling. I think I might even want... to have a family someday. Get married. I’m sorry, I know that is probably the last thing you want to think about, and like i said, I’m still working on figuring it out, but i would need to feel like it was at least possible...someday.”

[Phoenyx]

Phoenyx looks up at him and tries to follow what Kaze says, but there's just so much of it. It's confusing, and a confused Phoenyx is quickly an angry Phoenyx.

"I don't understand. You love me but you don't know what you want? You think we should be together but not together?" Her voice is growing steadily more frustrated and she pulls out of his arms.

Her fists are balled and she closes her eyes, trying to take a calming breath. "You are talking way too much and it is very confusing." The Arrow tries desperately to keep her voice even. She fails, but she tries. "Kaze... I know we need to talk. But you try to cover a dozen things at once and I cannot do that. So... instead trying explain a lot of things, you have to focus, or I am going to get mad at you again... and I trying very hard not to do that."

The Firebird clenched her jaw and takes a few ragged breaths. She feels raw, exposed. So... find something grounding.

"Why do you want to leave the Adamnantine Arrow?" She asks softly.

[Kaze]

Kaze takes a deep breath and sighs. “Okay. Okay.” he says.

He forces himself to look Phoenyx directly in the eyes and starts again, “The bottom line, Phoenyx, is that I have been going through life trying to be the person that I think I should be, which is usually what I think someone I respect wants me to be, instead of taking the responsibility and consequences of just trying to be myself in the best way I can and risk losing or damaging the relationship with the person I respect.”

”That’s why it’s confusing when I am telling you what I want. It’s because if I am clear, I guess I’m afraid you won’t want what I want, and you won’t want me.”

Kaze sighs again. “It’s so stupid of me, I know. Even worse, it’s cowardly.”

Kaze looks directly at Phoenyx again, “The truth is, I didn’t want to jump into a sexual relationship, but I went with it because I really liked you and just kind of hoped it could develop naturally into a deeper relationship. It really hurt me when you didn’t want anyone to know, but I went with it because it seemed like you needed that to be in relationship at all and I thought you’d see I wasn’t happy and change your mind. That’s how I have been just going along with things that I don’t really want since...wow, since my mom got sick and my dad left, I guess.”

” I never liked competition or conflict, but I was good at sports, so I went out for football when the coach asked me, and it really made my grandfather happy. When he died, his trust said I had to go to Okinawa, and live with some people, and then I awakened and they were mages in the Order, so I just went along with their training and did okay at it, and then I was an Arrow.”

”I have just been going along and not having the courage to say what I really feel and stand up for myself, and except for you I pretty much hated it, and even in our relationship, I felt ashamed for not being brave enough to risk your not wanting to be with me if I didn’t go along with things that felt wrong for me, like having sex when we weren’t even openly in a relationship much less having made a real, public commitment, or staying in the Arrows when I knew that I didn’t want to advance in it or even really be in it.”