Presence (Focused)
Trained Observer
Dexterity (Lithe)
In the darkness of her room, Sergeant Phoenyx of the Adamantine Arrow dips her pen into an inkwell.
She continues scratching a new page, ignoring the pains in her chest. There is an almost artistic work to the letters, done in a careful, precise style. Her eyes glance to the top page.
Dear Diary,
It was a childish start. But for over fifteen years she had started that way, and was just the way it was now.
My ribs hurt. I think they are broken. I have failed. I am not fit to lead the Arrow.
Lead the Arrow – it sounds like a bad joke. There are only two of us. I wish Galatea were still here. She was blunt and like a typhoon but she would talk to me. I hope she comes back some day. I wrote a letter to Alastor yesterday. I asked for his advice about being a leader. I do not know if it will reach him. It depends what his business is for the order.
A stabbing pain ripples over her ribs, making her hand tremble slightly as she rereads the page.
Emotions are happening again. Feelings clouding judgement and making things confusing. The last time things were this confusing I talked to Aurora…
A pause; where did Aurora go? She just slipped off in the night. Thinking carefully, Phoenyx realises she would probably have done the same thing. Goodbyes? Emotions? Much too difficult.
She starts reading the sentence again.
The last time things were this confusing I talked to Aurora….
She left. Just went. Why didn’t she say goodbye? I thought we were friends.
People move and leave all the time. We have duties to our Orders. Why are you so emotional about this?
It is… Argh! Feelings! Again! They are insidious, like poison!
Scowling, Phoenyx sets the pen down firmly, the loud click striking in the quiet room. She forces her eyes back to the page.
The last time things were this confusing I talked to Aurora. Thinking back I do not know if I ever thanked her for her advice she gave me before you left. If I did not I should have. I would not have slept with Kaze if not for her advice, and now we are together.
Are we? The thought is cold and chilling in her chest.
Yes, I wanted Kaze, but do I… do I still want him?
He bested me. He never beat me before. I am meant to be the strong one. I am meant to be better than him. He called me perfect but that was clearly a lie. He lied to my face.
All my life I have studied. Learned to fight. Learned to use Magic. And still I am not good enough.
Static tenses in the air around the Obrimos. Her broken ribs twinge with pain, making her grimace. Her nimbus rustles, the fiery wings twitch with agitation. To try and force her mind, she stares back to the diary.
I do not know if I ever thanked her for her advice she gave before she left. If I did not I should have. I wouldn’t have slept with Kaze if not for her advice, and now we are together.
Together. She used him to blow off steam, and somehow her own need for validation snowballed it into something far more than she really had wanted.
Validation?? I don’t need to be validated! All these emotions are stopping me doing what I have to do! I just have to beat him. I… I don’t need him! I don’t need anyone! I can…. I….
Staring angrily down at the page, Phoenyx feels her eyes go aching and strange. She shudders, and a strange spot dots the page, smudging and blurring the ink. And another. And another.
Putting her hands to her face, they come away damp, with wet, salty tears.
The Arrow stands angrily, the chair toppling over. She grabs her gun and coat, and tries to storm out, but her ribs make her double over in pain. Emitting and tiny growl and gritting her teeth, Phoenyx rises again and moves more gingerly out of her room slamming doors loudly. Within a minute there is the loud revving of a motorcycle and the screech of tyres out and away.
The tear stained letter would still be left on the desk.
The last time things were this confusing I talked to Aurora. Thinking back I do not know if I ever thanked her for her advice she gave me before she left. If I did not I should have. I would not have slept with Kaze if not for her advice, and now we are together.
Today, Kaze beat me in training. He has never beaten me before. I have never questioned my purpose, my role in the Arrow, until now. For the first time in my life since I Awakened I no longer no if I can do the very that matters most to me, to do my duty to the Adamantine Arrow.
My emotions keep clouding my judgement. Making me weak. Only making them anger helps. Keeping those weak feelings away. Staying strong. But feel like I am becoming less.
I think I need help.
I think____
The incomplete sentence spreads slowly into the tears landed onto page.
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