It was late. What the exact time was, she didn’t know. All she knew was she wasn’t sleeping and found herself sitting by the pool. Feet gently moving in the water, a cup of hot tea in her hands. A locked black box sits beside her.

While the usual issues were on her mind, tonight it was a bit different.

Tonight it was the Spring meeting. The Crown. And Ingrid leaving.

She didn’t want the Crown, she wasn’t a leader, never had been and never will be. She might embody the Season, but she couldn’t lead others. But that was the least of her problems.

Someone else she cared about had left. First Mhairi, then Quick. Now Ingrid. And it only reminded her of why she never got close to others.

In the moonlight, she looked at her reflection. Studying her face, the scales, the features, the mask. The different smiles, the friendly one, the happy one, each one practiced to perfection.

Good for you, you fooled everybody
Good for you, you fooled everyone
Good for you, now you're somebody
Good for you, you fooled everyone

The tug of war between her head and heart was ever present. One trying to remind her that people came and went all the time and it wasn’t personal. The other reminding her that no one wanted to be around her. She was far too broken for anyone to care about.

And it was those thoughts that were driving some of the nightmares, driving the urges to the surface. Urges she fought daily to bury and move past. The urge to seek comfort in an old friend, one who never let her down, one who was always there. One she could always count on to numb the pain she fought desperately to hide and ignore. Pain she wanted to run from.

'Cause my monsters are real, and they're trained how to kill
And there's no coming back and they just laugh at how I feel
And these monsters can fight, and they'll never say die
And there's no going back, if I get trapped I'll never heal
Yeah, my monsters are real

It would be so easy to make a few calls and get what she needed. So easy to fall back into habits that left her with that sought-after numb feeling. Life was easier to deal with when you felt nothing.

The urge was growing, her hands aching to grab her phone and make some calls. Her body itching for that familiar rush of relief through her veins.

A hand touches the box, her mind knowing what was inside would send her down a road she couldn’t survive. The needle nestled inside promised both relief and pain. Life and Death.

Her hand shakes as she lifts it, sapphires looking at it before she feels the scream in her throat as she hurled the box across the yard.

Breathing heavy, heart racing, she shook her head. No. She would never go back. She couldn’t.

She didn’t want to be that person again. But the fear was there, an ever-growing lump in her chest, at how close she had come. And the tears flowed at that realization. Maybe she needed help, needed to let someone in. Truly in. Let them see the scars, see the battle she fought, see the pain.

But would it leave her better? Or worse?

Monsters by Shinedown