The following editorial was published in The Daily Dodo, a supermarket trash tabloid sold throughout Sacramento


Don't Go Near the Water.

Last weekend me and my family decided to take a nice peaceful picnic at Southside Park before it gets too cold. It was wonderful. The kids were playing nicely. And with the weather being excellent, I decided to take the baby for a stroll around the lake, while my other kids fed the ducks or whatever it was they were doing at the time. They were throwing bread or rocks in the water. Well, be and junior had only made it about a quarter or half a mile when we heard a hissing noise. Like you hear when air escapes a tire you just slashed on your deadbeat cheating boyfriends new car parked in front of his hussy hoe ass skanky slut's house. Well, before I could react this white beast launches out of the water and tears the right front wheel off the stroller. I scream for help and all them youngins throwing rocks and what not begin to laugh and point. And before I have time to cuss them children out, that white monster snags the whole stroller and pulls it into the water. Folks, that thing was a monster. At least 20 feet long. Good folks of Sacramento, we have a white gator in our waters and lord it ate my baby. I just know it.

I tried reporting it to the police but you know the po po, they think I was on the juice or dust, or just straight up bat shit crazy. Even had me seen by one of those psycho doctors. Buts I check out fine. And lord, I am here to warn you. Don't go near the water. It ain't safe.

Gator Bait Mamma